Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
As most of you know about 2.5 years ago my H cheated on me with one of my best friends. When I found out I was crushed, my world had crumbled around. Lucky for me I had a wonderful friend who would listen to me, help me through my rough times, built me back up and saw me through all my struggles. She is more a sister to me than a friend.
Last week told me how she had been talking to this old friend of hers and how they are getting close but that he has a girlfriend. I didnt think much about it, since I thought some friendly flirting is innocent, until last night when she told me she saw him and how they had kissed and she seems so happyI tried to listen and be supportive, but all the while a voice in my head is screaming YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN FOR SOMEONE.
So I had to say something. I asked her if she knew what she was doing to his fianc, I told her she was the other woman for someone and to remember how much that hurt me. I said I would say this only once because I love her and I need to say it.. The thing is, I am not sure I can leave it at that. This may sound crazy but what she is doing is hurting me almost as if she were doing it to me. I dont know the guy, or his fianc, but when my friend tells me how she is sneaking around with him, how she tells him he needs to calm down so his girl wont get suspicious, how she calls his fianc a bitch because she was sick and kept her from being able to call him, how she was at his house. it makes tears well up in my eyes. I dont know if I am just seeing a side of her I did not know existed and if that is what is hurting me or if it just brings up old hurt for me and if that is the problem. I know in the end it is none of my business what she does but I cant help but feel like it is. I want to be there for her and happy for her and not judgmental but I dont think I can be because what she is doing is so wrong. I dont want to loose a friend like her but at the same time I feel like I want to distance myself from her.
I am really struggling with this, anyone have any advice?
Last week told me how she had been talking to this old friend of hers and how they are getting close but that he has a girlfriend. I didnt think much about it, since I thought some friendly flirting is innocent, until last night when she told me she saw him and how they had kissed and she seems so happyI tried to listen and be supportive, but all the while a voice in my head is screaming YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN FOR SOMEONE.
So I had to say something. I asked her if she knew what she was doing to his fianc, I told her she was the other woman for someone and to remember how much that hurt me. I said I would say this only once because I love her and I need to say it.. The thing is, I am not sure I can leave it at that. This may sound crazy but what she is doing is hurting me almost as if she were doing it to me. I dont know the guy, or his fianc, but when my friend tells me how she is sneaking around with him, how she tells him he needs to calm down so his girl wont get suspicious, how she calls his fianc a bitch because she was sick and kept her from being able to call him, how she was at his house. it makes tears well up in my eyes. I dont know if I am just seeing a side of her I did not know existed and if that is what is hurting me or if it just brings up old hurt for me and if that is the problem. I know in the end it is none of my business what she does but I cant help but feel like it is. I want to be there for her and happy for her and not judgmental but I dont think I can be because what she is doing is so wrong. I dont want to loose a friend like her but at the same time I feel like I want to distance myself from her.
I am really struggling with this, anyone have any advice?
Then, maybe give her some reading material, the anguished posts of those who just found out might be a good start, or the book 'Not Just Friends' it does have sections meant for the OW. She needs to see the pain she is causing.
Tell her to come clean with the fiancee so that they can work it all out. The GF will either exit the picture (I would if I was her) and she'll 'get her man', the man and his GF will work it out or everyone will go their separate ways.
I would emphasize in the letter that you care about her and don't want to see her hurt either. Otherwise, she won't read your words and think you are judging her.
Finally, I cannot believe any friend who knew about my pain would drag me into their own affair. How unbelievably selfish of her. You must be just in hell. I'm so sorry. I think after reading your letter and the other materials, if she still continues the affair, you are going to have to let her go.
This hurts you and makes you cry because your friend is reinforcing the idea that this is a treacherous world and no one cares who they hurt and how badly they're doing it. Your friend saw your devastation, but ultimately decided that someone else deserved this kind of treatment. It probably hurts, also, because all these cheaters and their affair partners all say and do the same thing;you know someone else is going through the same things you went through and no one seemed to care that you were
hurt. Maybe they laughed at you and said how stupid you were. They weren't paying you compliments. It's the same position the fiancee is in now.
I wouldn't be able to be friends with someone like this. It's just too low of a thing to do for me to be able to be with a person like this. That's just me, though.
It seems so insensitive.
I really like what EYES had to say....great advise.
I feel a little attacked...I did say to her face that she is the OW and that it is screwed up. I also asked her to remember what I went through and that she is doing that to this other Lady. I never said it was just a mistake because in my mind it is not a mistake but a choice. The OW in my case said I tried to stop but it was just a mistake and hell no, we are not animals and we have choices !!
I in no way tryed to imply that I am ok with what she is doing. I have a very hard time confronting people so I was proud of myself for standing up and saying what I did....
I am sorry if I gave the impression I am OK with what she is doing since she is my friend...
I not only reminded my friend on how much my ex's infidelity messed me up, but I kind of challenged him. I told him that it doesn't say much for how he must view himself if all he chooses to date are unavailable, married women.
Same with your friend. Ask her why she is selling herself short by going after someone that is unavailable? Ask her what she expects to accomplish.
H says that to me when I have texted him and uses it against me. Of course the OW doesn't do that. Ugh!
I myself let go of a friendship with someone because he started an affair, after seeing how devastated I was. It just galls me so much that people can be that insensitive, so maybe the post was worded more strongly than intended.
you are right. written comes across different, and after reading ur reply a second time you really did not attack me. I think I felt that way because I know you are right with what you said, all of you are. I know that and I think that is partly why this makes me so upset, not only for what she is doing to that poor woman who will find out someday, or to herself because she will get hurt evetually but also to our friendship. Like you said how could one stay friends with a person like that? Even if we stay friends it will not be like it was before and that sucks. I am all alone here in the states, (apart from my H and his family), my Family is in germany, so she has become my family. She is my sons Godmother. It is like she is a different Person, like I dont even know her....
Thank you all for your support and taking the time to reply to my post
I had one situation where I didn't say anything - and I feel bad about that.
On the other hand, an old flame apparently became obsessed with me and his wife was very upset (rightfully). I asked him how he would like it if his W disrespected him like that and told him that if I was not his friend I would not say anything. I told him I knew it was not me he was after. If not me then it would be someone else - so he was darn lucky he picked me and that I am a real friend or he could have completely trashed his marriage and crushed his W. What ever his reasons were for contacting me, he is looking for something that only he can exude - happiness - and he needed to talk with his W about that and not to any other woman.
I wish someone had introduced a little reality check into my ex or the married OW before things got broken the way they did for us.
I don't see how you CAN be around this and still heal yourself. How can you be around this without it setting you back?
I remember going thru finding out about my EX's last affair. I turned to a friend of mine (still have her to this day!) She cried with me. Very much WITH me. But it was so hard for her to be around me - her H had a huge affair and had gotten someone pregnant behind her back. My dealing with my situation brought it all back for her. She even told me that it was hard for her to be around me.
Not that she left me in this alone.
Your situation is a bit different. How can you respect your friend? How can you subject yourself to all of this without it hitting you hard?
I agree - with DAB? Challenge her a bit to rethink her choice here. Double dare her.
Sending you support, L~