Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
As most of you know about 2.5 years ago my H cheated on me with one of my best friends. When I found out I was crushed, my world had crumbled around. Lucky for me I had a wonderful friend who would listen to me, help me through my rough times, built me back up and saw me through all my struggles. She is more a sister to me than a friend.
Last week told me how she had been talking to this old friend of hers and how they are getting close but that he has a girlfriend. I didnt think much about it, since I thought some friendly flirting is innocent, until last night when she told me she saw him and how they had kissed and she seems so happyI tried to listen and be supportive, but all the while a voice in my head is screaming YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN FOR SOMEONE.
So I had to say something. I asked her if she knew what she was doing to his fianc, I told her she was the other woman for someone and to remember how much that hurt me. I said I would say this only once because I love her and I need to say it.. The thing is, I am not sure I can leave it at that. This may sound crazy but what she is doing is hurting me almost as if she were doing it to me. I dont know the guy, or his fianc, but when my friend tells me how she is sneaking around with him, how she tells him he needs to calm down so his girl wont get suspicious, how she calls his fianc a bitch because she was sick and kept her from being able to call him, how she was at his house. it makes tears well up in my eyes. I dont know if I am just seeing a side of her I did not know existed and if that is what is hurting me or if it just brings up old hurt for me and if that is the problem. I know in the end it is none of my business what she does but I cant help but feel like it is. I want to be there for her and happy for her and not judgmental but I dont think I can be because what she is doing is so wrong. I dont want to loose a friend like her but at the same time I feel like I want to distance myself from her.
I am really struggling with this, anyone have any advice?
Last week told me how she had been talking to this old friend of hers and how they are getting close but that he has a girlfriend. I didnt think much about it, since I thought some friendly flirting is innocent, until last night when she told me she saw him and how they had kissed and she seems so happyI tried to listen and be supportive, but all the while a voice in my head is screaming YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN FOR SOMEONE.
So I had to say something. I asked her if she knew what she was doing to his fianc, I told her she was the other woman for someone and to remember how much that hurt me. I said I would say this only once because I love her and I need to say it.. The thing is, I am not sure I can leave it at that. This may sound crazy but what she is doing is hurting me almost as if she were doing it to me. I dont know the guy, or his fianc, but when my friend tells me how she is sneaking around with him, how she tells him he needs to calm down so his girl wont get suspicious, how she calls his fianc a bitch because she was sick and kept her from being able to call him, how she was at his house. it makes tears well up in my eyes. I dont know if I am just seeing a side of her I did not know existed and if that is what is hurting me or if it just brings up old hurt for me and if that is the problem. I know in the end it is none of my business what she does but I cant help but feel like it is. I want to be there for her and happy for her and not judgmental but I dont think I can be because what she is doing is so wrong. I dont want to loose a friend like her but at the same time I feel like I want to distance myself from her.
I am really struggling with this, anyone have any advice?
At the very least write out what you want to say to her ('talking points') so that you keep focussed and hopefully manage to say everything you need to say to her.
Really, really consider giving her some of the printed stories here. I would be happy to write out my story for her to read as I suspect others here would as well. She needs a HUGE 2x4 to the head to wake up from this fog.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this alone. Is there another friend that you can enlist to help you with waking this silly girl up? Help keep the conversation on track? I wish I knew the right way to deal with this.
we are so indoctornated with this PC garbadge now. we are told we shouldn't be judgemental and we should help people, blagh blagh blagh. its BS!!! we SHOULD be judgemental of certain things. it is NOT ok what she is doing and their SHOULD be consequenses. i aplaude you for your response to "meeting her kids" my GF took our daughter around the OM and it infurates me still. that is uncontionable to involve kids in mess adult immorality of that level. social stigma keeps people opperating in the social norm. this whole if it isnt illegal its ok mentality is foolish at best and sociopathic at worst. also we get so into "helping" only the person can help themself. we cant convince someone they are wrong by talking to them. we cant control other people. all we can do is deside if someone is a positive or a negative in our life and then treat them accordingly. the best thing you can do (in my oppinion) is tell her how you feel and why and that as long as she is living this way she can't be part of YOUR life, in a very straight forward way. i would bet dollars to donuts that she will respect you even if she wont admit it and that when this all inveriably blows up in her face she will say you were right and thank you for being the only person to tell and SHOW her so.
I did talk to her, a few days after I posted this, she came to my house, said she had some important thinks to talk about, and when she got here she wanted to tell me all about the guy. I had every intention to write her a letter but when she started talking I had to say something right then. I told her that I love her and that I think what she is doing is very wrong I told her how I felt and that what she is doing is making me hurt for myself and for that other woman, I told her that she deservs better than being someones dirty little secret and that in the end not only this mans fiance is going to get hurt but that she most likley will be hurt too because he will ditch her and go back with his fiance. I was crying and all when I told her. her response was that the guy told her a few weeks ago his fiance said that maybe their relationship was not going so well anymore and that they should just be roommates. I said that was his chance to get out of the relationship so why didn't he? If he loves you that much...? I think she did not hear anything I said because a few days ago she told me again about the two of them even thou I told her not to talk to me about him because it makes me sick. She said something about how his fiance was staying home from work to keep him from going out and she called her a bitch so I got mad and told her "do not call that poor woman a bitch. She is desparate, and knows something is going on. She is trying to save her relationship...I said that my H"s OW probably cvalled me names for the same reason, and if she thought that was cool. She got a little mad at me and said you r supposed to be MY friend. I told her I am, but right is right and wrong is wrong and what you r doing is wrong and that to me there is a bond between all of us that have been cheated on. she said she is only doing it because of this guy and would not with any other Blah blah blah....the she said how he is not having sex with his fiance anymore....I said bologne. he is having fun with both of you and that I was done talking about him. I keep my contact to a minimum, as much as I can. It is a little hard because we are girlscout leaders for the same troop and her daughter walks to my house with mine after school. All in all I think it was a complete waste of time, it makes me sad and sick to my stomache and very disappointed in my friend. At least I stood up for what I belive and said it like it is, and I will keep on doing it everytime she mentions him to me even thou it seems like she is not hearing me.....