I am sure others will have good advice for you but I just wanted to say that this is why we women can't "give up our entire life" for a man. We need our own money, job, friends, outside activities, etc. For right now, I suggest you reach out to any friends or family. You are going to need a lot of support right now. Sounds like he is the one that "has left" you already, checked out of the relationship, and so therefore you need to prepare yourself for what your next step will be. Good luck and I'm sorry this happened to you.

Did u move to the guest room before you found out or after? Anxiety and depression?

He told me early in our relationship that he suffered from a few bouts of anxiety that led to depression and guilt (for going through the panic and depression after). At first those bouts were spread out and short (like 2 days max). As our relationship progressed, they got longer and closer together. He told me he was stressed about work, asked me to postpone our wedding (I did), and told me that he didnt know what outside of medication would work. I asked him if he needed a break from the emotional responsibilities of our relationship too. If worrying about my happiness and if him being unable to fulfill it when he was anxious or depressed made him feel worse. He said yes and I told him to focus on himself for a while and his mental health. I made it clear that we were not broken up or taking a “break”, just shifting the focus to what was important. I moved my things yo yhe guest room about two weeks after. He would look so uncomfortable with me in the bed. He would sleep on the very edge and say it was because he was hot. He wouldnt hug me, didnt initiate intimacy, couldnt tell me I was beautiful. So I figured this would help the both of us because he wouldnt feel pressured. A month or so into me sleeping in the guest room I went to a party with a tarot reader who told me to go home and have a discussion. I told him about the tarot reader the next day. He told me he had “messed up”, that he was sorry, that he chose me. I told him thag I knew and had already forgiven him (not reconciled). A week after that I asked him for the details. He told me the details with out using her name. That pissed me off as I knew who it was. When I asked him her name he didnt want to give it. I pressed it and realized it was “L” the woman at work that he had told me about as a work friend that i was happy he had made because he doesnt make friends easily. I asked him to call her because I wanted to hear from her mouth that the relationship was over. He refused. I threatened to send an email to their job and freaked out saying he would lose his job (she is his direct report) and could possibly get into a sexual harrassment situation if she chose to be vengeful. He has 1 kid and is the primary provider for her. As much as I wanted to send the email I didnt. He called her, or said he did, she didnt answer. By that point since I had to threaten him to do it I didnt care anymore. I told him today that I wont accept any form of reconciliation from him until he found a new job. He sees her every day, he has to mentor her 1:1. He said he would start the process. I believe nothing he says right now even though he has been tearful, remorseful, and trying to “play nice.” I told him that from here on out I wont be taking care of his house, or his child, I will pay my half of the bills and take care of myself. I dont know how I’m supposed to go to work today.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. So many cheaters behave the way you describe your fiancé. Lots of red flags here. Although you are not married (thankfully) you may get some benefit from reading my post "welcome to the newly betrayed" which I will bump to the top of the queue for you. You are doing many things right here: establishing boundaries, trying to get him to do the right thing, cutting contact with the AP, trying to get him to change jobs. With all of that said, you can't change a person no matter how hard you try. Wishing you well.

Thank you. I read it. I asked my boss for another day off. I will need to set up an appointment with my therapist.

I have a difficult time reading posts where there are no paragraphs. I just skimmed yours, sorry.

But if you are not married, you are not entitled to anything. This guy is a liar and a cheater. Get out, move on. And I would out these cheaters at work.
That's it. Make it simple.

I'm glad you are going to seek therapy.

As others have said there are many red flags. The relationship is obviously not over as he won't take charge and end it because he doesn't want to.

You aren't married to him and he certainly is not husband or marriage material. He has a child with someone else, has mental instability, and is a unrepentant cheater who likely is still cheating.

It's time to get out of this relationship. It won't bring you anything but grief. You aren't his mother or his child's mother. He's using you as such while getting additional affection on the side.

I don't see anything resembling love from his end, only dependence.

(if you believe I give a fuck about paragraphs at this point, youve forgotten what fresh infidelity feels like) I emailed “L” yesterday. Sent her a picture of our family getting a dog last week and asked her to call me. She did. She wasnt remorseful, said that because they didnt have sex it wasnt an affair. Told me that while he had said he wanted to end things she believes he truly is unhappy in his relationship with me amd doesnt know what he wants. She tried to lecture me, counsel me, she even quoted a Bible verse to explain that everyone sins. She laughed at me when I called i adultry, and she had every right to. We arent married. Just engaged. I thanked her for her time and information and told her I wouldnt be contacting her again. She was snarky, smug, disrespectful. She called me back later that afternoon. She reminded me that I had asked her to have no contact with Darnell but that “we work closely together so will you be having a negative reaction each time we are in a meeting together?” I told her that I honestly cant predict the future but I reassured her that I wouldnt be contacting her again. She kept pressing me for a hard answer about whether or not her continued work relationship with him would be an issue. I told her she has done a great job not fucking my fiance up to this point and I expect her to continue that journey. She then hits me with “I would never have sex with him unless we were married” because inviting an engaged man over to your home, asking him for massages, letting him give them to you, and dry humping on the hug goodbye isnt really “cheating”. I told her she was in no position to take the moral high ground with me. She told me is was being unreasonable. I called her a bitch and hung up the phone. Blocking her number. While I was on the phone with her I texted him and told him. He came home from work immediately, he said that while he did open the door to another person knowing the intimate details of our relationship and crossing physical and emotional boundaries that he never said we were on a break and that he didnt want to be in a relationship. He said she was angry because he told her a second time that they would be going no further and that they wouldnt be speaking or working together (he said is moving departments as to not be her direct supervisor and then quitting at the end of the year after using his vacation time. I will believe what I see). He said that her contacting me was her way to get back. He foolishly told her “If She wants to speak with you, I will let you know”. As if he has a modicum of control of what information I gather. I have her tag number. The make and model of her car. i know where she works and I’m about to find out where she lives. Its one thing to make a mistake, its another to not have any remorse. When he first met her at work he told me that he had developed a friendship with this chick because they were so alike. He said she was mousy, church girl, spiritual, encouraging and a good person. I asked him to invite her for dinner or something. He never did. Said he felt guilty about bringing someone he had crossed the line with to our home. I think he wanted to keep her to himself. If he shared her with me there would be less of a thrilling secret. I asked her why didnt she come since he told her I had invited her. She said I asked him if I could come over on several occasions when he was in “crisis” (having suicidal thoughts which I had been begging him to see someone for but instead he gets a fake christian counseler from work that likes back rubs and slow grinding but not sex unless she is married).

Now he is on this whole, she tricked me. She isnt the person I thought she was. Her motives werent as pure as I thought they were (when he first told me, he defended her saying she was the more innocent partu and that i needed to deal with him. I told him he brought a third party into our relationship and I will be dealing with everyone involved. He was so terrified of me calling her and begged me not to and to think of it makes me burn with anger). Im numb today. Dull and numb and going to bathe for the first time in 3 days and try to eat and behave like a normal person instead of this deranged psychotic neurotic animal Ive turned into

All of your reactions are normal after D-Day, for what its worth. I'm glad you are starting to do some basic self care, are looking into therapy etc. The AP's comments to you are typical. Generally they like to blame shift the narrative to something like "if you paid more attention to him at home, he wouldn't have needed to seek out my attention at work". Blah blah blah. I wouldn't necessarily believe the no-sex claim either because, well cheaters are liars.

And your fiancé definitely would have wanted to keep her a secret. Its what cheaters do. They want to have their cake and eat it too. And him blaming the AP for *tricking him*...right out of the cheaters handbook. They make up whatever lie or excuse they think you will buy in to. His refusal to seek counseling (and jumping into the arms of a back rubbing ho-worker instead) really says a lot here. Mental illness, depression, suicidal ideations etc do not cause cheating. That will be his next claim if he already hasn't pulled it out of the hat "I was so depressed so that's why I initiated contact with the ho-worker blah blah blah".

One foot in front of the other. Forge ahead and good luck.

"L" is a sheep in wolf's clothing. The ones that label themselves as wholesome nice girls/guys are usually the opposite.

No one needs to self label unless it's a blatant lie that people can't glean from getting to know you.

In any sense I agree with betrayedtodeath in terms of the level of physicality. The one thing you can assume about liars is that you can't trust anything they say without proof.

"L" says that she didn't have sex with him because of her morals? That's pretty funny because she hasn't exhibited anything remotely recognizable as a moral character. More like a God complex....

Move out and move on. He doesn't want or need you, he needs your help since you're helping with bills and his child. You believed his "depression and anxiety" b.s and moved yourself from his room to another. Sorry hun, but that only made it easier for him to cheat. You're not married, move on with your life. I'm glad you stopped helping him and only looking out for yourself. Good luck