Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Motherly Instincts or lack thereof.
A lot of people have pointed out to me that my STBX has basically no motherly instincts the definition of that would be the obvious - added with putting themselves first before their own children and not wanting to spend time with their small kids at a very rare and innocent time rather, having someone else watch them so that she can spend time doing whatever. The short highs, long term damage all around.
Also, when your children are young, you want to keep an eye on them and know they are safe at all times. Accidents can easily happen when one or even two parents are around and normally a mother would want to know what/where her children our and around at all times. Hence me always stating shallow.
I personally think most of these women out here that cheat and have kids have very little Motherly Instincts. Putting themselves first over their own children is normally something very rare but it seems to be more common now (sadly).
Thoughts?
A lot of people have pointed out to me that my STBX has basically no motherly instincts the definition of that would be the obvious - added with putting themselves first before their own children and not wanting to spend time with their small kids at a very rare and innocent time rather, having someone else watch them so that she can spend time doing whatever. The short highs, long term damage all around.
Also, when your children are young, you want to keep an eye on them and know they are safe at all times. Accidents can easily happen when one or even two parents are around and normally a mother would want to know what/where her children our and around at all times. Hence me always stating shallow.
I personally think most of these women out here that cheat and have kids have very little Motherly Instincts. Putting themselves first over their own children is normally something very rare but it seems to be more common now (sadly).
Thoughts?
My cheating h was so selfish in the way he thought only of himself. I can't wrap my head around it. My h was selfish, but he also buried his head in the sand about dealing with our life as a family. I will never in a million years understand how he thought he had a right to do this and seriously think it wasn't going to be such a big deal if I found out about him. Thinking about it gets me sick.
I cheated. He didn't.
The whole concept of "family" means parents and kids. If you are willing to put that sanctity in jeopardy by cheating on their father (or mother, in the opposite case), then there may be some negative correlation when it comes to feeling a connection to the children you will be harming.
That was unfair. Infidelity is rough to swallow, but that's a long stretch.
I do appreciate the post non the least.
As hard as it may be for some to take, and as much as I regret it in hindsight, I did not know then what I know now and in some ways I feel that affair saved my life. I was suicidal for years leading up to it and had I followed that urge instead of the other my kids would have lost more than they did. Knowing that it would destroy them was all that kept me from driving into oncoming traffic, an impulse that hit me most days. I kept myself alive and available to them. That has to count for something in terms of parental instinct.
However ... it's a huge adjustment in the beginning and I had to get in the mindset that my life is put on hold for X amount of years because she needs me and childhood is a short but critical period of time. None of the pregnancy books quite prepared me for how all-consuming parenting is and its not like life just goes on and you have a sideikick who needs occasional attention.
My life dramatically changed while my H's did not - he still kept the same schedule and didn't' have to make any huge adjustments other than having another person in the house. He "helped" me and did the parts he wanted and left the rest to me. Was I resentful? Hell yeah and that's probably where our problems started.
I felt like I was in prison at times - but a good one because I loved my daughter and enjoy teaching and all the milestones that come with those early years Adored my daughter but started to resent the hell out of H because he wasn't getting with the program and looking back I was probably a little depressed too. I didn't have time to do anything creative or learn anything new. Those are the longest days and the shortest years.
There were days i thought about leaving because it would be better for me, but stayed because it wasn't good for everyone else. Even briefly thought about having an affair to try to reconnect with the person i used to be - adventurous, creative, social - but that wasn't the answer either.
I eventually registered in an art class to save my sanity about the time my d was 4 years old and H wasn't too happy about it but tolerated it.
I have no idea what your situation was onyx, but I'm guessing your wife felt trapped by motherhood and couldn't figure out a way to get a little freedom and breathing space in an acceptable way. Affairs are the easy solution to a complex issue.
It might look easy to some but this motherhood gig is so HARD! And so many women get caught up in comparison (the thief of all joy), competOrion ,judgment of each other at a time when we need community and to support each other more than ever.
It takes a village to raise a child and too many women are without.
I think (hope?) that men find other, healthier, more primal ways to compete. Maybe we women would be better off if we split into teams and played flag football once in a while. But that would take a village, too. Clearly men are better at being village people :)
I think that's the problem- yes, you DO have to put some things on hold for your kids. But you still need to put yourself first in some respects so you DON'T begin to feel like you lost yourself. I don't think it has to be an all or nothing. Like, I make time to work out, work on my writing... But gone are the days of happy hour and all day shopping outings. I try to look at it that my priorities have become rearranged. But if I start feeling like I'm sacrificing myself, that's when I need to take a step back. I should still be able to breathe whilst being a mom.
But it is an issue where I don't think guys look at it that way. I think their "sacrifice" begins when they decide to marry, not become a parent!