i think for some people it is a very real and harsh thing to go thgouth. there are others of us who think it is nothing but an excuse to behave like a child again. I am one of those, i am a firm believer in you move forward with your life as you have made choices in the past that you cannot undo just because you want a midlife crisis.
That being said, i know for some people it is so real of a feeling and issue that they literally need that restart on thier life. And they make it so much about them and only them that they cannot see how many lives they are ruining.

I think it's real but I don't think it should be an excuse. At midlife (35-45) people realize the same thing about their general life - it's on a path and will keep going that way unless they make changes.

I think people use it as an excuse for affairs and the like but it was diagnosed to be a road sign ("WARNING") along the path of life. If you're 38 and want to change careers and leave your spouse, you're supposed to say, "This is probably a midlife crisis and I should take it slow and not make any rash decisions." Instead people make rash decisions as if they didn't know and then say, "I'm sorry - it was my midlife crisis. I didn't know what I was doing."

Onyx, I hear that your sister did big allow it to be an excuse for damaging choices.

I know this much, where women are concerned: prior to the hormonal changes of reaching our reproductive years we (potentially) have a strong sense of self. The hormonal shift takes us out of ourselves and into a headspace where we are more outwardly focused, for the purpose of nurturing babies and our nuclear family. The change allows us to be more tolerant and less selfish.

During perimenopause those 'tolerance' hormones start to diminish, triggering a return to Self, raising questions around who we were before we had kids/spouses and who we might be when those roles are no longer central.

How much of our identity has been wrapped up in those roles will have an impact on the severity of this 'crisis'.

I can't speak to the male equivalent experience, if there is one.

*not*, not big.

wow, good responses all - fiber - thats good insight on the female side - makes sense.

Midlife crisis tends to be a time when people look back on their lives and get depressed because they havent accomplished what they thought they should have or because they have accomplished what they wanted to, but have a sense of now what next? And so some try to bring back their youth by wearing youthful clothing, starting affairs, buying sports cars etc, while others just want to change jobs and change their lives. Some do nothing but get depressed and wait it out. I suppose its o.k. for one to respond how they feel they need to as long as integrity and common sense take precedence.

Its not a biological happening like puberty, that will happen to everyone, but rather more of an emotional thing. I think one way to prevent it is to have healthy, purposeful and challenging activity at all stages of life. I also think that getting involved in charitable activity, although the intention and focus should be on the recipients, takes ones mind away from self and adds purpose to life.

I went through one early, at around 30. I had accomplished everything I wanted to, had the nice house in the nice neighbourhood, nice friends, nice career, and when I realized all my goals had been reached, I became almost immediately unhappy.

self-made didnt mean a thing anymore

all I knew was whatever was inside me that was hungering for fulfillment was far far away from it

i still loved my husband though and we stayed together until we had both fallen out of love

and even then continued to be a family with our only child, just in separate homes and as coparents, not spouses

Joyride confirms what I was thinking, that midlife crises have more to do with life experiences and one's reponse rather age/hormones. I think fiber's perspective is insightful but what about the women who are having their first child in their forties? Their midlife crises would then be pushed down to their 60's........ then that'll be more like senior life crisis!

.....rather THAN age/hormones....

I expect a woman having babies in her 40's would experience parenting differently, maybe in a more balanced way from the outset.

Dr. Christiane Northrup talks about all of this in The Wisdom of Menopause.

Great insight from everyone - I think the common theme in the mid life crisis also is that anyone who is going through one - they are the only ones who can figure it out and say to themselves - hey stop this nonesense of not taking responsibility for their actions.

I like what lovinsimple states with "tends to be a time when people look back on their lives and get depressed because they havent accomplished what they thought they should"

This rings pretty darn true from what I have seen - they get depressed and sometime blame others for their unhappiness - you are the cause - then they tend to go on a distructive path.

The hobbies and challenging activies aspect is very important to occupy the mind and ride it out in a positive way but sadly most people don't do that - they turn to the dark side and destroy rather then build or work on themselves. Lashing out on anyone that they deem might get into their way or they could point a finger and use that as fuel to keep on the dark side.

I also think that some people are a ticking time bomb waiting for an excuse/ any reason to go off the deep end because they are not seeking treatment for their crisis/depression and are poor communicators and thinkers of self - they can't even articulate what is happening to them which leads to everyones confusion.

Its an interesting topic but one that I wish never occured.

well, I didnt fit any of those moulds

funny thinkaboutit.

I have changed careers and I plan to leave my spouse but I wouldn't call it a midlife crisis. I'd call it an opportunity to take advantage of a cheater. When I changed careers I originally took a cut in pay which kept him from spending our money. He didn't want me to do it, but he felt like he was hardly in a position to tell me what to do and I would have to agree.

Fortunately for me, it's been a quicker climb back up and within a year I'll be back to where I was. It's perfect because I'll be leaving before he gets a chance to spend any of it. It's also the job of my dreams as it turns out. I get to travel and meet interesting people.

No midlife crisis on my part but I am certainly glad he used that as his excuse to have an affair!!

40 was a time of renegotiation for me, and the crisis was more for my H and daughter. I was tired of running around taking care of everyone when they were fully capable of doing more. Also realized that just because we got in the habit of doing things a certain way at the beginning didn't mean it had to be done that way for the next 50 years.

Renegotiating those roles and expectations is exactly what needs to happen when the hormones that drugged us into tolerance start to wear off. Maybe women who are less inclined toward traditional roles have less of that 'submit to the needs of family' hormone in the first place.

I have a friend who is pregnant with her 4th babe at 42. She's been all about attachment parenting, co-sleeping, extended and tandem nursing. Not this time. She's happy to be pregnant but she doesn't feel the same as she did during her earlier pregnancies. She's much more determined to keep more of the independence she's regained over the last few years.

Mid-life crisis? Not exactly, but definitely a shift in priorities along with waning hormones.