Oh yes it definitely hits the WS, my EW went down in flames after divorce.

So for her memories was the last seconds of a plane crash life flew pass her eyes of what happened.

Here's the thing. I have now had two men leave me, well, one I asked to leave but he never came back. I have had A LOT of time to think about this. IF, if, they ever truly ever regret or sorrow over leaving or causing such a mess in my life, they sure know how to hide it. Had I ever done anything anywhere near as destructive in ANYONE's life I could not live with myself. I'm not saying that "things" don't happen that may affect a marriage or relationship causing it to self-destruct. I understand that. But to plot behind someone's back to derail a marriage or to sneak around to hook up and make myself feel better is not in my nature. And it is totally inconceivable to me to be so self-absorbed that I could walk away from my obligation to my spouse and to my children, even to my friggin' PETS. Nah, I could never do it. So, in my eyes, someone that could I doubt has the capacity to feel real regret. If they do, it's bound to be regret as to how it affected THEM. (but this is just from my experience)

Onyx, I was about to post almost the exact same question until I read your post. I'm not the cheating spouse in my situation...but I have been dealing with the same issues you have. As you probably remember, my H has stated that he wants a divorce, that he's happier without me living in the same house as him, and he seems to want to act out all of his horny teenage fantasies now that he's 25 and been married for 6 years.

When my H actually said the words "I want a divorce", I felt like my world came down on me, but it was closure and it gave me the strength to move all of the things out of my house and to stop expecting him to come back. I would be lying if I said that I still did not have hope, that maybe one day we could work things out. BUT the reality is that we will likely never be together again, and maybe I can't see it now, but maybe I'll be better off with someone else one day.

I haven't lived in my house for almost 3 weeks now, and we only communicate via text when we need to discuss money (and even then it's very short and strained). I've been waking up lately feeling like this is all too surreal. I literally feel like yesterday we were happy, and now we're looking at divorce...it doesn't seem real. I don't know that I'm in the "denial" phase anymore. I have dealt with a large range of emotions. I've even heard myself say that this is probably for the best.

I've been dealing with a flood of memories, as you've described, and sometimes it really feels that I'm drowning in them. We were so ridiculously happy. We never wanted to be apart. He was away from me for a month once for work, and he used to call me in tears because he missed me so much. How can he look at me, stone cold, and say he wants a divorce?

I think it's because he's not dealing with his emotions. He's caught up in a different world that probably seems like a lot more fun than his married/homeowner lifestyle, but I hope one day he remembers everything we went through. I hope one day he missed me, because right now I feel like the only one of us that actually has feelings. Does the cheating spouse have these crushing moments where they realize they've made a mistake, especially when the marriage was really great? It would make everything a bit better if I knew he would have these same feelings.

C

For me, to answer simply, ABSOLUTELY!

My W and I are 18 months past dday and going super strong now. But yes, in the early stages after dday there was a lot of thinking about the past of the relationship and how I could have gotten to a place that allowed me to cheat. Thinking about why I married my W in the first place...what made her so special, etc. She was and IS "the one" for me. All the memories of the good and bad times seemed to crowd my day. And there were many days that work was impossible. I missed work a lot during that time. I just couldn't go and be in public and try to help people when I couldn't think straight.

To say a little on what sandysan wrote - Never say Never. I was always the person that you descibe yourself to be. That person that would rather find a way to either work it out, or leave. But never, NEVER to cheat. Yet here I sit as a CS. I never cheated on my past relationships...EVER. So here is this woman whom I love more than life itself, and I cheated on her. In my case there was no plotting, no secret meetings, no planning. It was a one night with a long time "friend". But the fact is it still happened and just the knowledge that I went completely against my own morals is the second most devastating thing, first being the pain I caused my wife.

Mis there are many things I can say "never" to. I will never murder someone. I will never desert anyone in my family when in need. I will never steal or lie. And I will never cheat on my partner or lie to my partner and then disappear into the night leaving him with the responsibility of paying bills or being put out on the street.

sandysan - if you can say you will never cheat on your partner - then your a rare breed in this day and age.

I will never cheat either - because I won't settle down until I really want or wanted to and then that was it or is it. I would engage myself in other hobbies etc to occupy my mind.

my GF and I were having a discussion last night about divorce rates and how they are just going to keep going up - from my grandparents time - to my parents generation - to my and then to my sons. Its disappointing. I hope she is wrong.

Onyx - don't know about how rare I am... I was in a marriage without sex for 15 years. I never cheated. I wanted only to repair the marriage. I actually thought it was all ME after my ex cheated and we separated. I later discovered that I have a very strong sex drive, so it wasn't me being a cold fish that kept me from looking elsewhere. When I commit to someone, I commit. When that commitment is over, I make the neccessary arrangements to move on without causing hurt and harm to others. I can tell you this. In my family and in my families' circle of friends, and my circle of friends, I have not experienced cheating. Unless people were too private to discuss it, it did not exist. My brother and I are, coincidentally, the ONLY two members of our family to divorce. Maybe more than rare I am old fashioned.

sandsan - you were in a marriage without doing the "thing" for 15 years? WTF?

sorry to hear that - why was that?

Ill Pm you.

Just wanted to thank you for bringing this up.

It was a good topic for my husband and I - one we touched on early in our recovery and was never really covered because I would get too upset. Now I'm ready to listen and he's had more time to think, so I feel like we can revisit it calmly and with much better results.

"Does the cheating spouse have these crushing moments where they realize they've made a mistake, especially when the marriage was really great?"

I wanted to throw out there that yeah, this DOES happen.

My aunt left my uncle for another (married!!) man. Three years after their divorce she tried to come crawling back. By then he had moved on emotionally and it was too late for her, but I think wayward spouses very often come out of the fog and realize what a horrible, miserable mistake they've made.

A,

Gee my EX W tried that last month after 32 yrs.

Amazing I would still throw her under the bus.

Yea - I would assume they do this after finding out the grass isnt greener and the FOG and highs are gone and they now have major regrets - but its all way too late.

A friend of mine had this samething happen to him - his ex had major regrets after the divorce and even said he can date her and his new GF.

Another of my moms friends moved on - was waiting for the divorce to finalize because he was giong to get married again with a new girl and the WS tried to stop the whole process.

These things are just plain dumb.

Yes, and I also think it depends on what stage of the "fog" they are in, otherwise those memories mean nothing. Early on, despite the 'memories,' they are resistant and fool themselves into thinking they are doing the right thing. My wife has repeatedly told me that she cannot let guilt drive what she does, that she has to do what makes her happy. Over time, she'll see what "happy" really meant.

An example of resistance: My wife who has been "dating" her AP for the past few months, and her moods are all over the place. Last night I heard her crying almost hysterically in her room. Why, I don't know, but this is almost immediately after she came home (from being with her AP all day) to the kids telling her all about their 'best day ever' playing outside in the snow with dad, etc...,

Just seeing this level of emotions playing out already, I can't imagine her not facing reality at some point in the future..

MRWTF - she was probably crying cause she feels so freakin guilty for being so freakin "selfish" for putting her "needs" first over her own kids and not being there to see their day. Plus a million other reasons - then she will probably justify it some way out of her head again and keep going.

These AP are theives - they are stealing time away from their families - their kids

Thats her guilt hitting her - she will be all over the place - cause this isn't "normal".

She may justify this nonsense and have her battles all day long.

In time - as long as you don't add fuel to her racing car she is in driving 100 MPH - she will see AP for who this scum bag really is - and crash and I would think all the floods will come back on what she has done. Whether your there to help pick up the pieces - well thats up to you.