That's a very interesting prespective.

Let's be honest. Some men are giant babies. They leave home and want someone to cook for them and clean for them, take care of them emotionally. They fuss and complain when they are hurt or sick and want a nurse. They "never" show emotions because they are too manly...but they really do. Some guys leave home looking for someone else to fill that mommy role in their lives.

LOL, when I read this title, I thought you were talking about the musician.
But on a more serious note, I can totally relate to this. My H and I always had a healthy sexual relationship, but... (and this might be TMI)...he would never get really kinky or rough with me which I enjoy...
He always has seen me as sweet and innocent, which I have told him all about my before marriage mishaps and he told me his. I suppose it is sweet that he views me this way, but he shared his kinkiest desires with strangers (on the Internet). Maybe men and women become too embarrassed or scared of what their partner's response may be. It is really sad though, because I will not be so inclined to be as sexually adventurous before finding out about the cheating.

My therapist and I were talking about a similar situation. He feels that my husband see me as his virginal wife and he can't engage on his fantasy/kinky side. When I mentioned it to my husband, he said, yes, I see you as my sexy virginal wife who takes care of our home, our children and our lives but has been scared to ask me to experiment sexual because he thought I would get upset. But still claims that our sex life was never the issue with us and that we have a great sex life. He says that we had been so disconnected for so long and I was so caught up with the kids and the home that I forgot about him. Now I am no where close to being Mrs. Cleaver. I am no prude, so, I don't know why he has this preception of me. He is a high rank NCO (Army) and I need to present myself in a certain manner but that doesn't mean I can't be Madame X behind close doors.

The career military arena is very much stuck in the 50's. Women carry their husband's rank and need to present themselves in a certain manner. So, I think he really got caught up with the persona I needed to present.

I would sit down and talk to your H about this. You need to clear the air. See if he really deep down thinks this and start from there by reminding him that you are a sexy, inteligent woman with needs and he needs to remember that. Good Luck!!

It sounds like a hair-brained theory to me. I think many therapists are looking for any means available to help their clients explain the pain in their lives. So they come up with these explanations that absolve the offenders so their victims can let go of some of that anger and hurt. Marriage is not easy for anyone so some partners choose to engage in a fantasy world rather than roll up their sleeves and do what's necessary to make the best of their place in the real world.
My W gives me high praise as a provider, helper in household chores, father, etc. When I began to untangle her web of lies, she told me she was afraid to tell me things about her inner sexual life because she thought I was too much of a prude and wouldn't understand. This makes no sense because I was the one who always had suggestions about things we could try that I thought would be exciting for both of us and she always said she was too shy and acted surprised that I would think of such things. She never responded to my many invitations to suggest things she would like to try. I just spent the first ten years of our life together waiting for her to warm up and decide that having sex with me was actually something she would like to do more than five times a year. Both her therapist and mine have essentially suggested that I need to leave the past in the past and CHOOSE to trust her as one chooses to believe in God. The fact that I'm asking for clarification from W on what has already happened and new evidence to help establish trust in the present lead her therapist to suggest I might be OCD and need medication!!! Any sane person would just choose to forget the lies and place full faith in their spouse now with no questions asked, right?!
At any rate, I'm a little frustrated sometimes by the excuses therapists sometimes make for the behavior of a spouse. I think you should react to the advice with skepticism. I accept some of the advice I get from my therapist and I dismiss other advice that doesn't make sense to me. What makes this approach potentially difficult for you is that your therapist has provided an explanation for your husband's behavior that hints to you that he couldn't help what he did and he's somehow less accountable than he would have been if the therapist said, "your husband began to lose interest in intimacy with you and didn't have the moral fortitude to figure out why and try to fix it; instead he's cowardly chosen to destroy your trust for him by having an affair." You need to press your therapist to get to the bottom of things - no excuses. Many cheaters like everything about their spouse except the sex and intimacy part. If they married us, they need to own up to their insecurities and either work through them so they can receive and return our love or let us go so we can find a partner who can.

Blarney, this is a well-known syndrome that affects many men. Even Elvis wouldn't have sex with Priscilla once she had a baby. It stems all the way back to adolescence when the boys want to have sex with the easy girls, but want to marry the virginal ones. My husband has this problem, too, and our sex life totally fizzled after the kids were born, even though I was more than willing to be adventurous. Don't take it personally, as it has nothing to do with how attractive you are or how sexy you are. This is the hardest part for me, because I feel neutered and unattractive because of his attitude toward me, even though I know it's entirely his own sickness.

We are just at the beginning stages of working through this problem, and I can't tell you yet weather we will be successful or not in changing his mindset, but our therapist tells us it is possible and other people have done it.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain, and know how much this sucks!

Oh my therapist said that i had become his mother and i said if he acts like a child he gets treated like one. Men have double standards they want a nuturing loving mumsy cook and bottle washer and a whore in the bedroom- its not easy to change roles when they act the same all the time, they dont want to be the gallant knight in shining armour just take take take and whats best for me me me thats men for ya

I agree with pianogirl... I was also thinking about Elvis when I read this... and we all know how close he was to his mother...

I think lots of mothers help or damage their sons...
My husband's mother had mental problems and would tell him that she would leave him if he didn't behave...
He always tried to be really good, but she died and did leave him...

I think that he has been trying to get back at her ever since... He knows what hurt her more than any other thing....
"Her husband having affairs"...

I believe his affair really had nothing to do with he and I but about him trying to get back at his mother...

This is so my situation! My H can't say he wants to have sex or make love to me. It always has this juvenile twist like "hanky panky". With the OW it was down on his office floor (although it wasn't hot at all & she didn't like it) & in missionary position. And the texting was him sending her pics/videos of himself and sending her porn, which he would NEVER watch or talk about with me. Before the physical stuff happened, he talked to her about her favorite posistion and has NEVER asked me. His text messages were I want to F you and I want you so bad, I want to make love to every inch of your body. With me it's always a subtle suggesstion or "hanky panky". I want the freakiness and now that he knows that, but has shared that all with her, it's taken away from what we could have. So where does that leave our sex life. I'm so nervous that he'll think of her if we start. We have been more open, but it's hard for me to think he's NOT thinking of her.

Blarney, you're misinterpreting what your therapist said about the Madonna Whore Syndrome. (At least, I'm pretty sure you are.) It's not that your husband thinks of you as HIS mother, just that he sees you as A mother, and therefore, not an object of lust. Mothers, to him, are matronly and pure; they are not sexual creatures.

I've seen this at work in many guys.

I've heard of this too.. that us women become a different model to our husbands after we have children.. ect.. And my H changed alot after all the hard work of having children ect.. in that area.. so not fair!!
Unfortunately it took a nightmare to remind H that I too am down w/ the freakiness...lol ..

mrsArmy.. I love the name.. Madame X.. Awesome ..

Wonder if this is why they hide porn.. ?

For those of you who dont mind it.. and would not mind watching it w/ your H.. dont you find it strange when they still want to hide it... geez.. so silly to me.. i dont know if I need to laugh or cry..

Thanks for all of your comments. What is so funny is that the therapist started out saying she though my H may just be a sex addict, then it was he just got caught up on the internet and it was so easy, now it's the Madonna Whore Syndrome. I'm not sure which one I prefer, I'm thinking it was a combination of all of them. Somehow, we are moving forward, little baby steps at a time.

svdbylove- I have always wondered about the porn thing too. My ex fiance used to always hide his porn and I never understood why. I knew where it was, so it's not like it was really a secret. Hell, I bought him one (I got him the girls of the pac 10 playboy for his birthday and had the girls from WSU sign it for him). Sometimes I even let him have it on in the background while we had sex. So I have no idea why he felt like he needed to hide it. The guy I am currently in a relationship with hides his porn too. He says stuff like, "Oh, I rarely even watch it..." I'm sorry, I know you're a guy and you like to whack it. I've walked in on him while he was doing that. Big deal? I don't get what all the fuss is about!

Maybe it makes them feel naughty if they hide it...like porn should be taboo and they are getting away with it or something. Whatever!

Blarney, I'm sure your instincts are right. Humans are complicated beings and the most important sex organ is the one between our ears. It's rare to isolate one simple explanation for infidelity and there are often multiple factors involved. The important thing to remember it is not YOUR fault and you are not the defective one!

Our MC says that it is a real tragedy that so many men are raised with such conflicting views on sexuality, true love, and intimacy. He is a man himself, not a feminist man basher, so I think he's given this a lot of thought. He has spent many years counseling sex addicts and couples recovering from infidelity and has seen and heard it all, so I highly respect his opinion. We have had only 4 sessions with him and he has been able to delve to the core issues of my H's infidelity, of which the Madonna/whore thing is just a part of, along with other things. We are making baby steps, too, and it feels like a long road ahead, but I think we're finally on the right one.

kristi425, my STBX also loved all that porno and web cam stuff. He told me once half the thrill of it was it was behind my back. He found it exciting. Then that wasn't enough, so he started looking on adult friend finder and other places to "browse" Yeah Right, then he had a full blown affair. So he needed more as his addiction grew.

He hasn't even seen this as an addiction yet. I can't wait to see what happens with his new GF. As things fizzle, he will do the same to her.

Watching porn once in a while especially with your spouse knowing is harmless. When it replaces your spouse, as in my case, it leads to a lack of desire for your spouse.

Some people are just nuts.