Heather,

I understand, really understand how you feel.

You are just protecting yourself. Who wants to be hurt like this again?!
And, furthermore, why would this cheating S.O.B. be deserving of your
unconditional love?! You loved and trusted him before, right? And look what he did!!!

I think this very normal. Don't beat yourself up over it. If he stays true,
and continues to put your first and never strays or gives you pause -
in other words, when you feel safe again - you will begin to love him again.

It's been more than a year since I confronted dirt bag, and 7 months since his emotional attachment ended with his slut. Just now I am
beginning to feel OK.

You can just give him a lot of thank you's in place of love you's. I did
that. I had to explain a lot about how destroyed I was. Had to tell him
that he killed me. But he hung in there and things are so much better.
Most importantly, I am so much better. I was in a very dark place.

Good luck and know that time is your friend.

Time & hard work by both, does help. Be patient. The "A" will definitely change the marriage & you may never have what you had, but you may have something good, just different.

I know exactly how you feel. Not good feelings. I love my H too, but differently than before. I'm not so sure I can ever love with "my whole heart" again. I'm not so sure I even realllllllly want to. How is this fair? It isn't fair. Cheating is not fair. Cheating changes things. It is not fair, but it is true. I know that my CS knew he was taking the chance that his behavior might well end the relationship entirely, and if it didn't end it entirely it would change it irrevocably. So, when I think about the fact that I don't love him as I once did, I remember why, and I remember that it was not me who made that choice. I just live within the confines of the results of his choice. And so does he. You shared that it's like expecting him to bear some punishment for the rest of his life. Well, some decisions are like that, they are irrevocable. And that is the chance my H took, and that is the result of his behavior. It has been over five years now, and I have never once felt as before D-day. I don't "expect" myself to be able to fix his errors. I don't "expect" myself to feel what I do not feel. I let him know that. He knows it. And, he chooses to live with what I have left remaining to give, because, that's all there is.

Make sure he reads "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful." This book is perfect for men. short and direct. If a CS only reads one thing this is it. Cole and I consider it "required reading" for all CS's. This book is first on the "required reading" list followed by Not Just Friends and His Needs Her Needs.

Cole recently published a book with a companion web site from our own experience of healing called "Healing Infidelity." See healinginfidelity.com

From what you say it sounds like he is on the right track already but it can't hurt for him to go many extra miles to make sure he is doing all he can to heal himself and you and the M. It's his job now, his focus. If he wants to keep you then this is his top priority above any other and the changes we CS's have to make are not easy ones. It takes a lot of work and commitment and learning and support.

My H told me many times that his healing was in direct proportion to mine. The more your H works on his own healing, and it takes a long time, the more you will heal. Your journey is still young so don't give up hope for continued improvement.

I know how you feel. I tell him often that I am not sure that I can remain with him. I am pushing him away. Yet I stay. I tell him its got to be alot to deal with so he can leave. He doesent go anywhere. I love him at times but other times I think he is bad for me and my self esteem. There is a big part that wants out, but I stay.

I don't really understand what "healing" means in the context of cheating. Anyone?

that was a very thought provoking question for me sheen. I cheated a bit and found some definitions I like that seem to fit the bill.

"To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure. 2. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us. 3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness."

"a : to make sound or whole . b : to restore to health. 2. a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend

My whole reply didn't post, luckily I always copy paste. Let me try that again.

that was a very thought provoking question for me sheen. I cheated a bit and found some definitions I like that seem to fit the bill.

"To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure. 2. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us. 3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness."

"a : to make sound or whole . b : to restore to health. 2. a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend

Okay, I erased the first part that has now posted twice. Lets see if it will post the rest.

I particularly like "restoring to soundness"; "to restore to spiritual wholeness"; "to cause an undesirable condition to be overcome"; to "heal the rift."

We have referred to this as healing from the beginning. I would not know how else to describe the recovery process from the brokenness and damage. My priest has approached it also from a spiritually medicinal and healing approach.

to me to heal means to find out where I was broken, ill, or weak to begin with that I would allow this to happen and to address the brokenness that has resulted from my actions and work to set it right and bring myself to a healthier condition and a place of wholeness psychologically and spiritually.

As a BS, you are all just as broken but you didn't do it to yourselves. It was done to you but you are broken and damaged just the same. Perhaps Cole will address healing from the BS perspective but it would seem the goal is similar but approached from a different angle, i.e. to restore soundness, heal the rift, restore spiritual wholeness.

I believe this healing should come from a multifaceted approach. Spiritual work, therapy, reading books or other resources, other supportive people in your life, and criss crossing with your spouse which means you both attempt to heal each other while healing your own self.

Healing comes in many ways. There is emotional healing for the parties involved. There is need for healing a broken marriage. Individually, there is need to evaluate and work on our selves. Especially the CS needs to heal the brokenness inside of them that allowed them to chose cheating as an option.

As BSs, we were wounded by our spouses. If we rug sweep, fail to clean and doctor the wound, it will get worse, not better. Once a degree of healing has taken place, there will always be a scar. We are never like we were before the A. While emotional healing can take place, there are losses to accept which we can't get back.

What it means will be different for each person, but I guess the bottom line is healing happens so the person can move forward with their life either with or without the spouse. To have fixed what you can, rebuild trust as much as you can, accept the losses so you can look to the future rather than being stuck in the past, lamenting what you lost.

No time table on healing. We're all different in that regard, and have different circumstances. But it is natural to be gun shy about getting hit with this again. It takes time to heal the emotional wound enough to trust again to the degree a marriage should have.

I have found it very difficult to comprehend the term "healing" when it is in regard to these things. I've read that before, and it always seems to perplex me. Must be something missing in my understanding on that level. I mean, it just seems like such a "factual" situation to me. Absolute facts. Facts that induce emotions.

Emotional injuries are very different from physical injuries to me. And, sickness, is very different from emotional injury to me too. I can get sick and feel like yuck...and it usually goes away and I feel great. I mean, somone can punch me in the face, and in a short time the bruises will disappear. The skin has healed. But, the feelings that punch created don't just disappear. Just because the bruises are gone and I'm busy with my life, does not mean that the feelings I had about being punched in the face are gone, does it? I don't like the feelings of being punched in the face, and I'm never going to like those feelings. The skin is great....the emotions the same. Skin and emotions are very different things to me.

I mean, I've been burned on my hand from making candy....reallllly hot and sticky. Hurts like the dickens! But, in a week or so the hurting stops...the skin is no longer inflamed, and what remains is an unfeeling scar. That scar does "not" "feel" the same as the rest of my skin. And, it will "never" feel the same as the rest of my skin. I know, because it has been 40 or so years since I burned it. Since it's small, it isn't very distracting. And, it doesn't affect my overall life. I rarely even notice it unless something touches it. I notice it then, because it feels strange, different from the rest of my skin. Now, maybe, if it was a huge burn scar it might have far greater affects, likely it would.

How does one ever heal feel? I mean, I could maybe comprehend a bit if ones "feelings" about the "facts" change somehow. Though, I'm not really sure how the facts can ever change, and hence the feelings about those same facts can change. I know that feelings do dull with time (maybe like that scar)...they likely just take a back seat to other more immediate necessities. I know too that from the moment I am aware of the feelings, I am moving on....life is "never" still...it is always...moving on. There's another term that is perplexing...whatever.

In that way, I suppose that the emotional damage of infidelity also hurts like the dickens for a while, and then takes a back seat to other more immediate necessities. And, that part of my emotional capability is scarred too. So, sometimes I "feel" the "scar" of infidelity. That place in my emotional being is "not" the "same" as the rest of it. If something touches that emotional template, it just doesn't feel quite right. And, since I 'know" that the scar on my hand has always remained unfeeling, or feeling differently, I also "know" that my emotional response to romantic love is scarred and feels differently.

So, I suppose that's about the only way I can link it in any way to "emotional" "healing." The most "pain" of the emotional wound is "healed." In that I feel little about it any longer. I am not greatly disabled by it. I know that it is different. I know that those feelings are scarred over. I know that that part of me will never be the same. I accept that is true. I also know that like that punch in the face, I don't like the feelings it induces, and I will never like the feelings that induces. And, I also know that a scar on my hand is very different from a scar on my emotional response. I rarely notice the scar on my hand. But, I do notice the scar on my emotional responses. I don't really "miss" the normal response of that skin on my hand, or rarely. But, I find I do "miss" the normal response of my emotions to love. I know that scar will remain. I know it will, because it has this time. That scar is very, very deep. Likely emotional nerves have been severed. And though I am quite capable of getting on with life, I suppose it's somewhat like the term "virginity," once it's lost it's lost for good?

"so the person can move forward with their life either with or without the spouse."

I think that happens relatively quickly. Life does go on immediately. I mean, just because I've lost a love does not mean that life ends. There are "many" other things. And yet, it seems like some things that are lost leave a noticeable gap. And, I can't quite imagine what could ever change or "heal" that scar.

I've been thinking about emotional wounds lately. I said for a long time that dealing with my ex husband's infidelity was much likehaving a deathbut not being able to tell anybody. I I have been thinking about the loss of my best friend nearly eight years ago passed away in a tragic vehicle accident just as I had found out I was pregnant with my youngest.it was the biggest loss I had suffered at that point in my life. I could not speak of her without being overwhelmed by Tears for nearly three years.that's a long time. Now, I can talk about her briefly without the tears. But any extended thought still brings the sadness. I imagine the recovery from this insult to my heart to be very similar.although, living everyday with the man to hurt me and who is trying his best to help heal me seems to be moving the process along a bit faster.for months out from my best friend's death I need only have the thought of her for tears to well up in my eyes. right now learned to live with a constant mom in the back of my throat and nausea in my stomach.

I'm so sorry Heather. I do know how you feel. I have been with my H for around 32 years, 29 of those years married. So, the betrayal of thirty years of life took a powerful toll on me. That's reallllllly a bunch of years to chuck in the garbage. He has changed up his behaviors. He acts quite differently. And, for the most part, the scar isn't a huge problem. I mean it is, but it isn't. We get along fine. I still find I can enjoy his company. But, when it comes to "romantic" things, any at all, I "feel" that deadened scar. And, I feel a certain sort of sadness that I know I will never feel as I once did. Anniversaries or Valentines Days will never be the same. They seem to abrade that scar, and bring attention to it. He knew that I couldn't overcome that even before I did. He shared with me that he realized the costs of his behavior, the real costs, after it was too late. And, he wishes that he could roll back time and make a different choice. That's nice. And, it would be nice if he could. But he can't.

So? So, we have what we can have. I know that I would never involve myself with anyone else again. It's far too late in life for that. That time does come. So, we can be comfortable, kind-of, companions. And, we can share what the other parts of life have to offer. That's not such a bad thing I suppose. Though, had I known how this would end, I would have ran like a Doe long ago.

Heather: It isn't always like that though. I have forgiven...and felt no pain at all in a very short while. It is very possible for you that will happen in the future. And, it may never happen again.

This has happened to me enough that the scars are so deep they just can't be balmed. I would wish that on no one. And yet, there is some good in it...it won't be done again.

Yes, there are differences between emotional and physical healing. But the objectives are similar. Some physical conditions are more like what you mention. A person who loses a leg has lost his leg, but there is a physical healing so that it stops bleeding and he doesn't die. Then he has to learn how to function without it or make use of artificial limbs. But he'll never be 100% like he was before losing his leg.

Likewise, someone who's had a stroke will, over time, usually regain a lot of their motor coordination, but not likely they'll operate as they did before the stroke. So healing happens, but in degrees. The objective is, however, to live and be able to function.

You quoted me and said:

""so the person can move forward with their life either with or without the spouse."

I think that happens relatively quickly. Life does go on immediately. I mean, just because I've lost a love does not mean that life ends."

I think you took that in the wrong way. Of course the world doesn't come to a standstill. But we tend to. I struggled at work for the first two months after dday to maintain a semblance of focus. I spent a good hunk of the day staring blankly at the computer screen. When I breathed deep and forced myself to do some work, within minutes I'd find myself staring blankly into the wall of my office, thinking about the affair.

Gradually, I got better (healed) and was able to function at work. But I still struggled. Around nine months out I went through a major depression. Then around 10 months I came out of that and came to a place of acceptance. (See the 5 stages of grief).

It isn't so much whether life goes on, but whether you are so wrapped up in what you lost, the pain, the anger, depression over the loss, that *you* cannot look forward to the future. Healing is about moving through the grieving process until we come to acceptance. By acceptance I mean, "It happened, I can't change it, what's done is done so how do we move on from here? What is our/my future?" You stop focusing so much on what you lost and look hopefully toward the future.

To quote 7 of 9 (Star Trek Voyager), you adapt. As long as one's focus stays wrapped up in the past and the horror of what you lost, it incapacitates one from functioning healthily in the present. To move toward acceptance is to emotionally heal. It doesn't mean it is all fixed like it never happened. It means you've adapted and can function in an emotionally healthy way with your life. How long that takes will be different for different people and circumstances.

IOW, I got better. I don't know how you term that other than healing took place. The life pre-A is gone, and I'll never get it back. To quote from our book, it is called rebuilding, not remodeling. It means building something new because the old is gone. Rebuilding can only go so far until one has accepted in their mind and heart that the old is gone.

It is my premise that when a BS (or even a CS) comes to a place of acceptance, they will look at their marital situation, and know either they are done or hope for rebuilding is still there. Because once acceptance sets in, the BS is ready to move forward. If the relationship is still languishing, that's when many decided to cut their losses. But that is just my theory.