Cole: I "think" I do understand acceptance. Meaning, I think, this "is" what is. This is what "realllllly" is. These are the facts and they must be lived with for the rest of my life. And, now, immediately, I'm moving on toward whatever future is possible with all the facts of a newly discovered and reconfigured life.

If that's all there is, and that is...all there is...then let's keep dancing....etc....etc...Ha! Not so easy as all that. And, sometimes, I'm not really sure what the dance is even about. I'm still not sure, or maybe I am sure, and it sucks....? I mean, I remember thinking it was like living in a world of Ferraris and finding I only drive a Volkswagon. Hello? Ya look pretty obvious and ridiculas! Something like that?

Really, it seems like, I struggled terribly this time with decisions about whether or not it would be best for me, and all concerned, to fish or cut bait as far as the marriage was concerned. That of course would have major affects on most all of the other parts of my life. I think, though I had a plethora of feelings running all about, that was the main issue at hand. I did know immediately that everything had changed, hence the shock, and that the marriage I had thought existed was now over for ever. Is that what you mean by the term acceptance in this scenario?

The scope of my feelings was most prevalently due to the need for some serious decision making. I mean, so many things become so obvious and yet perplexing at the same time. My H was obviously unhappy in the marriage. Hence, the behavior. I had no idea until D-day that was true. I mean, I had no idea how unhappy he "really" was.

And, of course, I became very unhappy on D-day. Wow! That's an understatement if I ever heard one. Our daughter was involved and traumatized. That fact hurt me far more than any other thing could have. I have been dissed so much, it's almost a given. I'm tough, I can handle it. May not like it, but I can handle it.

But, an innocent youngster, only 21, to have to begin the process of overcoming emotional treachery, lies, deception and attempted manipulation was realllllly hard for me to take. I'm gonna have to say that if he wanted my rapt, and unwavering attention, that was likely the best way ever to get it. He got it. If he was "ever" going to get my full attention, he definitely got it.

And, so his tears and aplogies were ridiculas. I found it very hard to make any sense of why he had stayed around at all, much less asked to continue. And why when the truth was finally revealed he just didn't acknowledge it and walk away. Maybe, one of the most perplexing things? I think I may have repeated that question dozens of times during the shock/confused state I found myself in. I really hate that feeling. What the? Why on Earth did you stay around here when you were obviously so unhappy? Good grief! No one should live with a person when they're that unhappy. You should have just told me, and moved on. What the?

I went through so many phases over a looong period of time...something like hurt, anger, embarrassment, shock, more embarrassment, horrible rage, simmering anger, then deep and lingering sorrow. I have never been so messed up for so long over anything ever. Even though I was for the most part getting on with the responsibilities of life, I definitely wasn't enjoying anything at all. And, I changed most everything I did. No more routines. Little Miss Busy With Life came to a screeching halt.

That's all gone now. I came to the conclusion that it is likely better to make the best of what is than begin again at my advanced age. Far too late in life for such radical action, though I've done it before. Five years and counting. No more shock. No more rage. No more anger. Nor more, or not much, sorrow. Words have been said. Tears have flowed. Books written by others read. Counseling sought. Words with vague meanings thrown about. Time has passed. No more questions. No more talking about it. For what? Mostly comfortable companionship.

And yet, there is that great grey elephant in the room. There is that place in me that has remained vacant. I can't even quite touch it myself, though sometimes I can remember what it felt like to feel loved and cherished, even though that was never really true either. I do remember the "feeling" "I" had though. Maybe like remembering the freedom of childhood, or the romance and excitement of youth. I'm not sure how to define it.

I really thought nothing could ever convince me to accept less than I believe a marriage ought to be. But I have. I think that is due to many things. Age? Responsibilities? Adulthood? Practicality? And though I really feel it's best, that vacancy sometimes haunts me. I try not to think of it often. There are far better things to do than think about the deficiencies of life? And, when it arises, triggers for memory, I dismiss it from mind as soon as possible. Since I can't think of a way for it to change, then I must live with it. So dismissal seems the best recourse. Acceptance? Very different from other words I might select to describe marriage? I once thought of it in very different terms. Maybe they were terms that don't ever really exist but in fantasy? Mine!

I have faced this same type of situation may times in my past. This is not new to me. My first husband of 12 years was a real humdinger. I learned a lot there. Not quite enough. Nuff said. And, in this marriage I have learned even more. I have learned the differences in romantic love, and practical love. I accept that they are different. And, I accept that I will never again experience that vague, peaceful, contented feeling of romantic love. I have gone on with life, as if it's possible to do much else? And yet? I think I seek to dampen, smother, forget, or not feel the and yet.

Just to clarify on my last post, I was voice to texting and I did not check it. He is not my ex husband, we r still very much married and i live with the man 'who' hurt me, not 'to' hurt me. And I live with a lump in my throat, not a mom. Lol! Technology!
Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.I haven't given up on the chance that my heart may still be functionalwith the sscars. ...

Heather: I so hope you are able to restore every bit of love, romance, and everything else you want and need from your relationship and that it is returned ten-fold! You're a brave strong heart, and you deserve to feel complete.

SheenRe,
Thank you..you are ever so kind.