Tryingtomakeit....I think the whole point is, it doesn't matter what a bs did or didn't do, if a cheater is so low they will cheat, they will use whatever excuse they can to justify their flaws and failure to be decent human beings....THEY HAVE A PROBLEM, and if it was their spouse they should have fixed their marriage by being a better partner or got the hell out of the marriage BEFORE they fucked up everyone else for their own selfish pleasure

My cs never blamed my messy house keeping skills for his cheating. But he always complained about the mess, and that I didn't dress nice or cook enough. Those complaints were the precipitating personality changes he developed a couple of years before his affair began.

I would say we need to improve our marriage. What can we do? I would say I want more time together and to make that time count. Like let's play card games and talk more. Let's tell eachother things we like about eachother. Then when it was his turn to tell me how I could improve the marriage he would list off the following, more sex, dress better, more cooking, and cleaner house.

For me all I heard was shallow superficial requests on his part and I resented them. But tried to fulfill. It was hard to become a more "acceptable" house wife (even though I worked outside as well). It felt violating and phony on my part. Like an act. Meanwhile I rarely got what I asked for. I was desperate for a deeper connection and wasn't getting it.

My act would last for short periods of time. I haven't read the five love languages yet but I would bet we could have learned a lot from it back then.

I think there are plenty of women out there who play the perfect wife and still get cheated on because when we are so busy painting that picture of perfection, we neglect our hearts.

Now I try to do a 10 minute tidy before H comes home because I want to let him know I appreciate him working his ass off and give him a "somewhat" clean house to come home to. I do cook about 4 times a week because my kids are getting older and eat something other than nuggets and noodles. He no longer whines about it so it's done with love rather than obligation.

I was actually kidding with my last comment. To be honest, I think it's 100 percent ludicrous and ridiculous for a clean house to be a reason to cheat. If my X had said, "Had you kept the house cleaner, I wouldn't have cheated" I would've asked if he was an able-bodied man and was he allergic to windex?

My husband didn't cheat on me because I neglected the housekeeping. He cheated because I neglected him. (Our case, not saying all are that way, of course!)

He didn't complain about our messy house or make it a reason for cheating, but I know a lot of people do. I suspect it's just a place to put the blame and an easy one to put a finger on. It's easier to place blame on the other person than take responsibility for one's own actions.

The cleaning discussion can bring out some things. I discovered that I had some resentment about not getting credit for the things I did but my ex had just 1 or 2 things she really wanted done and they were things I didn't know about and didn't do. It was poor communication. Not a reason for divorce, but it highlighted that she didn't know how to talk about things and I didn't know the right questions to find out about them. It took pressure off to do those 1-2 things and the rest was stuff I wanted so it didn't matter if I did or didn't do it really. She was happier and I had less on my plate (but it still didn't stop the divorce).