I just went back and read your original post, and I would agree with the advice you were given. It all sounds the same, because years later, going to support groups and reading here, all of these situations are the same. Of course they all have different nuances, but if you go back and read and hear people's stories, it's the same old situation over and over again. Except, this time, it's happening to you. You are right, no one here knows you or your husband, but we know the story, and it sounds all too familiar. Back when I discovered my wife's affair, im sure you could have asked any of our friends or neighbors, and they'd say the same thing you hear about your marriage right now, "oh, the perfect couple...no way there was an affair...". I, too, could tell you the OM had an MO and was a "known home wrecker" - so, then...why didn't your husband avoid her like the plague? Yes, I would agree, if you both are determined to make your marriage work, it can...but you have to realize, total and absolute honesty is key, not just with each other, but with yourself. You had a reason to suspect him before you had concrete proof - and he denied it. When you caught him red-handed, he subtly blameshifted...the affair started "after" you accused him. So, now it's your fault. If you hadn't started suspecting him, and then accused him, he would have never even thought of cheating....right? So, now you're sitting in limbo, while he decides what HE wants...who cares what YOU want. Tryingtocope, please believe me, I've been in your shoes, and you have to believe me, that limbo will become status quo for your husband, and he could go on for years trying to "find himself, decide what he wants, etc". But, that same limbo will slowly and painfully drain your heart and soul and even mental stability and you wouldn't believe how much weight you could lose but feel totally shot all the time. You will have to be the proactive one to move your marriage forward or end it, because the more you try to support him making a decision on both of your futures (never mind the kids), he'll settle into indecision. I hope I'm wrong...but hope you'll take the insight.

tryingtocope - I was the exact same as you. and my husband DID love me beyond anything and still (3 years post-divorce claims to), but it didn't stop him from cheating. After several instances of finding more lies and more cheating, I finally had to face facts. It was the hardest thing in the world to give up on that dream - on that happy life - which WAS still happy even when he was cheating - not sure how he managed to continue to treat me so well in every other way. But the lying and the stress of not trusting him got to me. I was sad for a very long time, and I'm not even sure I know the extent of how much or how long he cheated. They "trickle truth" - give you bits at a time..... I agree wholeheartedly with you that everyone is different though, so don't make a rash decision until you are sure you can't stay married anymore. Sometimes it does work out!

But also don't be naive either. Protect yourself. You deserve to be treated right.
Hugs as you go through this tough, tough time....

addendum - there were times post-divorce/separation when I was so sad that I considered going back to the marriage and just accepting cheating. Now I'm glad I didn't.

You sound a bit defensive. None of us here are trying to judge your decision to go back to him. We all have been in the same position and all of our experiences are similiar but not exactly the same. If this is the first and only time this has happened, i commend you for trying to work it out. If it's the second or third time (believe me some of us have gone through this many many times) then think about yourself and your family before you think about him.

You seem to carry a slight arrogance about your situation, or is it ignorance. Your words remind me of a betrayed spouse who remains in denial over the affair. So much so, they turn away from advice and look to blame the cheater's state of confusion, which in itself is confusing, and the claws of a home-wrecker, for their husband's acts.

"No one knows me or my husband. No one knows what we are like. This is truly torturing both of us. My husband is not the type of man to do this. And if you ask anyone who has met him he is truly in love with me. He is the the type of man who would do anything for me."

We have all uttered these words, to ourselves, our friends, here, and sometimes repeated them in our thoughts, because we couldn't fathom anything less. Each and everyone of us on this board, has been where you are now, even if just for a moment of disillusionment. Your situation is no different than ours, and in a way, it's disparaging for you to presume as much.

i hoped the same of my ex-wife, no not her,
while i believe there may be a path of forgiveness, i don't thin k that comes without accountability

I am neither arrogant or ignorant. And he has had complete accountability. We have been working together. And everyday when he comes home from work he tells me about every interaction he had to have with the other woman. He has moved departments so he does not have to deal with her as much. Every day we go through his phone together. And that kills me to feel I need to do that but for now thats how it's going to be. He understands that it is going to take me time to feel trust again and he also understands that while I might be able to forgive him at some point. I will never be able to forget it. And that it will always be there. I am not saying we don't have a long hard road ahead of us, but 20 years of marriage 5 kids and a grandkid is qorth trying.

You sounded like I did 26, 18 and 10 years ago. My ex appeared to give it everything he had. He did everything I asked of him. We went to years of counseling. He loved me and still does. They can love you and still cheat. They can say they're sorry and jump through every hoop you give them and go 8 years and still cheat again.

Give it everything you have, because if not you'll always wonder what might have been. But please believe me when I tell you, we've all been where you are now. I held out hope for many years. People on support group sites would give me the same advice you're now getting. I didn't listen because "they didn't know us." The trouble is, they did know us...I didn't know us. So, I didn't give up for a long time.

But if you're going to stay with him, no matter what he does, admit it to yourself, so you can accept that this is now your life.

I have been on both sides, a BS and the one who cheated (after I found out).
I think everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with. Some cannot handle it, leave and never look back. Others want to try and make it work, especially if there are children involved. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. People here can only go by their own experiences and are trying to help but realize some come from a very bitter and angry place (and rightly so) and put their own feelings and spin on your situation. You need to do what is best for you. The only thing I can tell you is if (and that is a big IF) he wanted to still stay in touch with her he will find a way. You are not going to want to live the life of constantly going through his phone or emails. It gets tiring and you will become resentful. If you both want to work it out, you will and he will be honest and do everything in his power to win your trust back. You will know as time goes by. I wish you the best.

Im currently going through this, my wife keeps telling me she loves me, asked me to book marriage councillor, even been to a session, but she is still lying and cheating.

We we're the best couple, as far as I was aware we could talk about anything, really open and honest, we got each other... Were not average people lol.

But somewhere along she wanted something different and I myself am not going to stand for the disrespect of someone I'm supposed to be able to confide in, to have total trust in.

She has told me she has stopped everything, but she is still in contact, even adding more men to her ways, using her phone off the network so I can't monitor her.

Its about personal choice, if you feel you can make it work, try it, some become stronger but both need to be in 100%, sadly I tried and now I'm talking to lawyers and am going to have to pay to get on with my life so my kids and I can be happy.

Good luck

ElizabethM, I really like how you've written this,

"People on support group sites would give me the same advice you're now getting. I didn't listen because "they didn't know us." The trouble is, they did know us...I didn't know us. So, I didn't give up for a long time."

A pertinent detail that was written in the original post that I'd like to quote that may put this post into perspective. The link to the entire post is below.

"Said it started shortly after I accused him. And says he does not love her but isn't sure that he wants to stay with me. He says that he needs to know if there is someone else out there for him. So a week layer we are sitting in limbo while he decides what he wants. I am so confused and hurt not sure where to go from here."

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/infidelity/discussion/not-sure-how-tp-handle