You sound miserable.

I feel bad for the kid who has to take the brunt of this mess.

I am sad for you, it must be difficult to work towards reconciliation alone.
I didnt want my wife leave after her affair but she did so I'm not a success story.
It seems like your husband has not really come back after his affair.
Reconciliation would include remorse on the CS end, to be worked through and let go off, but to have none indicates a self centered person.
Reconciliation would also include respect and it sounds like he give you very little.

Maybe counseling for yourself would open your eyes as to how good and nice a person that you and therefore how you should expect to be treated in a relationship

You can't heal without talking this out. That is why you are stuck. If he won't help you heal you may need to evaluate whether it is worth staying in this relationship. My H lied and evaded for a long time and I arranged to move out; I just couldn't take it. When he saw that I was done he started talking and trying to understand. His efforts at that point (almost too late) were all that kept me from leaving. Your situation is harder to manage because he has a child by the AP and his attitude towards you seems very arrogant. If you can get some counseling it might help you, but he still has to own his own garbage. His statement about being glad it happened is insensitive in the extreme. I'll bet you are not glad it happened? The statement about never giving up on you is another work of art. He apparently doesn't realize that taking a lover is giving up on your spouse. Now he doesn't want to do the work to repair the damage he's done. He also seems to feel that he is the one showing patience with you for your normal reactions to his betrayal, when in fact it is you who have shown patience. My H also felt that I was not reacting as I should and he wanted me to stop talking about it and just get over it magically and spare him any of the difficulties that he didnt want to face. Facing those issues made him a better person; a person I could begin to trust again. Without his willingness to talk and work with me on repairing the relationship, we would not have made it. Our marriage would have ended or become mummifies and lifeless. I hope your H comes to see this before it is too late. You deserve to have someone in your life that cares how you feel and is willing to work with you to make your marriage viable and satisfying for both of you. HUGS

I hope you can talk to someone that can help you get feeling better and moving forward but it does not seem to me that it will be your husband.
It seems that he is controlling and manipulative. I am so sorry that you are stuck in this place it sounds awful.
I don't know that without remorse and not feeling bad about how much pain he caused you that there is a lot of hope there for you to heal.
I wish you the best and hope things get better.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. In this group, no one will ever feel or think that you are bitching, that's your H talking. You are surviving a multiple-car train wreck, and your husband has put a strangle hold on you. It is best if you can let it all out here, where you are surrounded by like-minded spouses.

If you can seek some sort of counselling, it may help you understand your situation better.

Your wound has festered deep into your psyche, and it oozes each time he makes a derelict comment. You may also be experiencing hidden anger, a condition that leads to serious health problems, here's a link to some of the symptoms.
http://www.drgore.com/hiddenanger/

I am concerned for your health and your state of mind.

I wish you well.

At this point, getting out isn't possible. We have 3 children. After our third was born, I quit working to stay home with them. Every time I mention going back to work, he shuts me down. We only have one vehicle. I have no way to save money. I have nowhere to go and no way to support our kids.

I've tried to talk it out with him. I got responses like, "You need to just get over it." "Will you just drop it?" "You need to stop feeling that way." If I was upset, he'd leave and tell me he'd "deal with me when I was happy." Directly after I found out, if we'd fight, he'd leave and sleep with her in retaliation.

Things are better now than they were then. It kills me to think that, if we'd made the changes we have without the affair, we would probably be in a better place.

I can't go to counseling. I went for a while after the affair. I tried to get him to go with me, but he refused. It got to the point where the negative comments he made about me going became more stressful than the counseling was helpful, so I quit going. (To be honest, I think I had a pretty terrible counselor, so it wasn't much of a loss.) Right now, I have no insurance.

I appreciate everyone's feedback. It is helpful to have an outlet for some of this. This site was a great resource for me after the affair, but once he found it, I wasn't able to use it. I'm glad to be back.

If you have not seen any of my other posts I have recommended taking a look at marraigebuilders.com "How to Survive Infidelity" page. It can be found here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Dr, Bob Huzienga's short youtube videos can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FXXFge_9VI&index=24&list=UUPIBpFRhkzq68wPvTdrXIMw
Heather Carlile, a relationship coach/expert videos can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVn8LG1-PN9PG59IJlzpfGw
One final link is from a woman who went through the discovery that her husband was having an affair. Here is her brief story. It mentions steps that she took to in dealing with her situation.
http://surviving-the-affair.com/
I hope all or at least some of this helps!

All of these helpful places are free of course.

I really feel for you, what an impossible situation. It is obvious to me that he doesnt deserve you but the fact seems to be that you need him, or at least his resources for the time being. I would suggest one thing beyond the good advice here... Find a way, the strength and conviction to never take another piece of you. Berating, yelling and the like are certainly not love and your pain is obvious. Write him a letter stating that you want to work on it but that you have rules and lay it all out there...love yourself enough to put an end to the bullshit.
Do not give up on you.

Reading your words, I can 'feel' your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is an unbearable situation. Is it so terrible that he saw your words and your anguish on an anonymous discussion board? Maybe it somehow gives him a sense of your pain.

His responses to his own A are cowardly. Sometimes people respond with anger rather than working through things. He needs to own his poor choices, as well as the deep pain he has caused you. Perhaps he is trying to find good in a bad situation, but really what he should express is true sorrow. Under those circumstances you may be in a better position to begin healing, possibly forgiving and eventually able to move on.

You are not bitching. You are grieving. I feel the same way and I completely understand. You are right to find a way to talk it out. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

to your reply #6,
he sounds like a control freak, if so, they tend to operate by breaking down yourself respect
if that is the world you live in, that is not good for your kids

to your reply#1
he monitors your account....correction, he is a control freak,
do you have a trusted family member ot friend that you can confide in,
if this guy is a control freak, $ doesn't matter, your kids & you do,

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like abuse. Maybe not physical, but definitely emotional. He has all the power in this relationship. He shuts you down when you talk about getting a job? He monitors your online activity when he's the one that had an affair?

What's his problem with this community? Too much support for you? I think you need to talk to someone and see what your options are. This situation does not sound healthy at all.

We can all feel your pain and I'm sorry that you're going through it but your CS does not sound at all remorseful, in fact it sounds like he threatens you with what he did. Please seek help in real life and just see what's out there for resources.

http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spousesandillegitimatechildren

There's a room set up for those of us who's cs produced a child. You situation sounds tough and I am sorry that this is happening. Nothing is impossible. Has anybody ever suggested the 180? Or have you ever called an abuse hotline? Just from what you've told us, it sounds like borderline emotional abuse where he's isolating you.

And a quick note to justme2892, WTF? Just when it seems like you might not be a troll and I feel like everybody is coming down hard on you, you say something so callus. Your response is neither compassionate or helpful tough advice. Its just shitty.

Hi clm08,

I'm 4 years out from dday and without the tools of counseling, transparency & a commitment to our marriage from my CS their's no way we could be where we are today. With 3 children in your home, your situation may seem hopeless however, there are many avenues you can seek out. And any one of them would be a wake up call to your H that he doesn not run this relationship. Start with a women's shelter. Talk to an attorney - they can definitely get the ball rolling in terms of financial support from your H. You may not be looking to end your marriage, which is fine, but living the way you are without any kind of support or out is no way to live & your H needs to know that. Take care of yourself and those children. Sending up support & strength!

I really appreciate everyone's responses. I've been having a pretty terrible day, so to come back here and see that you have all taken the time to respond and offer advice is a huge relief.

To answer a few things: him seeing my posts to the discussion boards wouldn't be an issue if he were a rational human being. As a matter of fact, when I first started coming on here, I asked him to create an account as well, hoping that he could join discussions and see how the rebuilding process has worked for others and that the feelings I was having were normal. He refused. Some time later he checked the computer history and saw that I was still frequenting the discussion boards. He tried to sweet talk me into giving him my password. I told him I'd prefer not to because there were private journal entries that I didn't really want to share. He waited until I left for work and then figured out my password. He spent my entire shift sending new text messages berating me for everything I wrote. Apparently I was supposed to defend him when people said negative things about his actions and I wasn't supposed to be feeling the way I was. I was supposed to be over this. He took away the only source of support I had, so it was a pretty big deal.

As for the "poor child involved in this mess"... He's not involved. Once the OW realized she wasn't getting what she wanted, we never heard from her again.

Money is an issue, unfortunately. I have no car, no job, and no place to go. If it was just me, I would live in a box if that meant this craziness could be over. I will not leave my kids behind, and I won't drag them into a tumultuous situation. They are young and know nothing about what is going on. They haven't been affected by this yet. I'm in no hurry to make that happen. I would never see any financial support from him. He's extremely irresponsible with money and can barely pay the household bills. If I leave, I need to be able to take care of the kids on my own.

My grand plan was to reenlist in the Army. I would have to stick it out with him until my enlistment was up because child custody laws do not favor active duty parents, but I would come out financially independent and able to provide for my kids. However, something happened recently, and I just don't think I can stay with him that long. Now, I'm back to square one... hopeless, frustrated, and depressed.

Sometimes we feel there is just no way we can manage to help ourselves, but usually it is because we do not want to look at some options. You would be surprised at how much kids of all ages know what is happening. They may not know the exact circumstances, but they know all is not right. Most kids will blame themselves.

An attorney can help you with custody issues if you reenlist. A shelter can help you find an attorney if you are experiencing abuse. There is always a way, it is just sometimes a difficult road.