I think I need to mention that I am not always this much of a mess. I am typically pretty stable and goal oriented. I know what I have to do, and I'm going to do my best to make it happen with minimal impact on my kids. Adopting a "victim" state of mind will not accomplish anything. I am aware of that. I come here to vent my frustrations. I don't have the option of calling my mother or a close friend when I have reached my limit and need someone to talk to, so I come here.

I am a good mother. I am fully aware that being exposed to a toxic situation will negatively affect my children. Going to a shelter would be worse. My oldest child has autism and absolutely needs a consistent schedule to thrive. At home he has that. I have worked with teachers and counselors to give him that. By all accounts he it's healthy and well adjusted. When the time comes, I will make him a new home that provides him with consistency and comfort. I will be able to ease him into it without reversing all of the progress he has made. Ripping him away from what he has here and moving him into a shelter will affect him much more than it would most children.

I will not reenlist as a single parent. I was enlisted once and saw far too many friends lose custody because the other parent "could promise more consistency." Any half witted lawyer my husband might procure would mention the possibility of a deployment, base transfers, and long work hours. There's a good chance a family court judge would side with him, and there is nothing I could do about it.

Despite how my previous posts on this thread have made it sound, I am not, in fact, a pathetic specimen that refuses to help herself. I'm not wallowing in self pity waiting for someone else to save me. You just get to see me at my worst. I'm frustrated that I'm in this position to start with. I'm angry because all he had to do to keep our family together was to love and respect me as much as I did him. I'm grieving the loss of the life I thought I'd have and the person I no longer am. I'm here because there is no one else I can say that to, and sometimes it just has to be said.

clm08, have you talked to a lawyer? I would suggest finding even a halfway knowledgeable lawyer that might give you a free consultation. You said you thought of re-enlisting, so if you're a veteran, can you still get legal advice on base (post?) I'm not saying pull the plug and file, but at least get some information especially as to your rights in the current situation. Stay strong.

Look into the 180. Ill try to find it and bump it.

I have spoken to a lawyer in the past. My rights are pretty straight forward. It would play out like any other divorce. We would split the assets and he would have to pay support. The problem is we have no assets. I would be starting with nothing. The money I had when we first met is long gone, and the savings I'd established when I was working is spent. Though he may be mandated to pay support, there is nothing saying he actually will. If he doesn't, he'll go to jail...and I'll still be getting no support. I'm not saying I'll never leave. I'm saying it would not be smart to leave until I am able to take care of my kids independently.

Make decisions that work best for you.

clm08 you are not alone in your situation. It has been 3 years for me as well and my CS responds the same as your CS does. I feel the same way, if I did not have kids I would have left a long time ago. I have 2 daughters so I struggle with what I am teaching them with regard to what to accept in a relationship. I am not sure if they know any details but I know by their negative behaviors that they know something. I too feel stuck and have tried all suggestions; counseling, meditation, 180, etc. and I still have moments of being stuck and extremely sad.

It F***ing sucks that we have to live with this pain for the rest of our lives and see no remorse from the CS. However, somewhere in all of this crap it will make us a stronger and better person. Many times I say that I am tired of being the strong person. LOL It is a struggle but I do try really hard to turn my thoughts to the belief that God has something really GOOD for me in my near future. :-)

I read a book that helped me a lot, called The Dandelion. It helped me to view my situation from a different perspective and helped with my negative thinking. It is written by a psychologist and she incorporated many self help techniques.

You are a good person, a good mother, and an awesome wife!!! You will get through this.