Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Ok so as many of you know my wife and I are trying to get past her affair. She is honestly doing everything I need her to do I could not ask for more. I find that I am always trying for sex as I feel that I need to so she doesnt stray again. My self esteam is so crushed that I am always wanting to please her so she will desire for me. When all is said and done it just doesnt seem to be working . She doesnt seem to be interested in me when we are alone . The only time she is interested is when her daughter is home. If her daughter is here then we cant get to intimate small house and all. I hate that I am so desperate for her to want me I feel as if I am rewarding her affair by trying to please her all the time. I hate the way I feel when she is not interested. I dont know if I can continue with this if I am going to feel inadequite . Is love really enough . Will I be able to just enjoy our lives together. Should I just stop trying and move on in a life where this isnt always the elephant in the room. MAybe this doesnt make sence I dont really understand it ,myself. I know I love my wife but I hate feeling like I am undesirable and her second choice . Who knows I dont .
I think you might need to work on your intimacy through language and through touch. Take sex out of the picture for now. She is probably struggling with her own self-image issues, she probably feels 'dirty' and 'used' not exactly great feelings for wanting sex.
Start slowly, like you are wooing again.
She's affectionate with you when her daughter is around because she feels 'safe'. That's obvious. But what is making her feel 'unsafe' when the daughter is gone is anyone's guess.
Maybe expectations are too high. When I try to put myself in her shoes I would think that I'd be afraid to disappoint you. I would be also really confused about who I was as a person and I wouldn't be feeling very good about myself.
But the only way you are ever going to know is to talk about it and try to listen to her. Do not start listing all the things you are doing 'right' (which you are btw) but it will feel like pressure to her.
I do think it's wonderful that you are being so expressive, but it's going to take more than a day to heal this mess that she created for sure. But that's what you signed on for.
No, love is not enough--even if there is still some love left.
Above comment is just an opinion, be careful about opinions.
If your wife, as the cheater, admitted the above quote to you, I'm sure there would be fireworks.
Naturally, the following feeling for you may be 'she felt safe and respected' by the OM enough to have sex with him, but does not for me....what gives!
There could be many possiblities for your wifes behaviour. She may not want to communicate the reason if you ask. She may not know the reason.
I think the best way to handle this EXTREMELY sensitive topic would be with a good therapist.
I really don't think her actions are to make mrwojo feel inadequate or bad about himself which is how he is interpreting it.
I posted a similar topic about wanting the closeness... feeling desperate for the intimacy to fill a void I am feeling. So I know how you are feeling with that one. go read my responses... they were very helpful. Especially the Hysterical Bonding part.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/8707960-wanting-intimate
You said "My self esteam is so crushed that I am always wanting to please her so she will desire for me" Wow... that one got to me... I hadn't thought of that before... But having read that from you, I think that is part of what's going on with me. A real eye opener and something to think about.
I think it is completely normal way of thinking right now.
Hang in there and take it day by day... or even hour by hour.
=)
What you are attempting is known as the Prevention Myth. And it is just that....a myth.
Her cheating had nothing to do with you. If you are not the perfect husband and try to change those things, then that's great. But, it doesn't mean that she'll never cheat again. Because her cheating is not about you and your problems (as much as cheaters like to play that blame game). It's about them and their problems.