Come clean with it all. ALL of it. It doesn't matter how small the lie is. If she wants to know the truth, tell her. She isn't able to correctly process how to proceed without it. And it isnt fair to her.

grow a backbone, be honest even when it doesn't get you what you want, grow up, be an adult, consider that other people matter

Hey man. I struggled with the same thing. When my wife discovered what I was doing, I told her a little bit, but just enough to shock her so she wouldn't ask me anymore. I was initially asked to leave the house. After about 2 weeks, she asked me to move back in. We were talking again. The shame was just so strong that I couldn't bear living the lie anymore and just blurted it out. In retrospect, I think I would have appreciated some guidance in my disclosure process. I hear about people getting support from both partners' therapists and their 12-step sponsors.

Everyone is different, but in our coupleship, we agree that our disclosure was sloppy and alot of information was shared out of anger and shame that did not help our recovery. I agree that all the behaviors must be disclosed to give both partners and the coupleship a meaningful recovery. However, some details can be left out, at the discretion of a professional. For example, if I was unfaithful, exactly what we did, hair color, what she looked like, etc was not helpful to disclose. It only traumatized my partner more. It was, however, very important for me to tell my partner that I was unfaithful, so that she could take steps to protect herself, like STD testing, securing her safety and our kids' safety by figuring out where to live and how to support them with limited income, etc.

This post is better served in the Cheaters Anonymous group please.

You might be met with some anger from unhealthy or triggered people on this site, but please don't let that deter you from asking for the help you need. You can always message me or other people who you can relate to.

recoveydan, i'm confused, you reference "our couple-ship" and "both partners" therapists, do you mean your adultery friend or the person that you made vows to?

Please seek help for sex addiction.

You know, if the information wasn't held back in the beginning I would have healed much quicker. If you keep lying and lying and lying will only prolong her suffering and yours. When all said and done, do you still want to be married? women are more likely to stay with CS's when they are told about the A and not found out.

I am going through this with my husband right now. He cheated. I forgave him. But I could not move past the fact that he works with the woman. But what got me the most is that he could not always be honest with me about their interactions and. I don't know if it was the shame on his part oe what but he stopped showing affection towards me. Thats what I could not handle. I had to leave. So please if you want to save your marriage always be honest, be respectful, and show her the affection that she needs. She needs to know that you still desire her. There is nothing worse than knowing that you are not pleasing your partner enough, that they need to go elsewhere. It is so painful.

This thread belongs on the Cheaters Anonymous board, as Lenoire kindly suggested above. But for RecoveryDan: so betrayed spouses are "unhealthy" when they are "angry" or "triggered" about being cheated on, lied to, deceived, and exposed to STDs? Should we feel happy about this? Should we forgive and forget, just move on, get over it already? I'm afraid unless you have been betrayed, you do not know how we feel. Please do not make generalizations about us. You are not one of us. Please do not presume to know what should or should not be disclosed. Lying by omission when the betrayed spouse has asked for information is still lying and it should never be spun as a measure to "protect" the betrayed spouse. This is where many therapists, 12 steppers and cheaters get it horribly wrong. Cheaters only want to protect themselves if they are truly honest about why they withhold information (lie).

I concur with you BTD in everything you say. RecoveryDan I'd like to remind you that insults are not welcome here, nor do they meet Daily Strength's guidelines for posting.

If you can't 'help yourself from lying', then you need to make sure your therapist can give you tools to practice on being open with your wife and yourself.

You are in therapy right? Because if you truly want to win your wife back you are doing everything in your power to learn why you had those behaviors and what you can be doing to make sure they are not happening again. You've also given her open access to everything in your life. Right?