Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
About 3 months ago I found out that my wife of 20 years had been having an affair for about two months with a younger man. I was working a lot of hours at the time and missed all of the signs that the affair was going on. Looking back at it, it was very obvious, almost as if she wanted to get caught.
Anyway, she broke off the affair immediately and we have been attending marriage counseling. I have been checking her phone records, emails, facebook, etc. very closely and very often since I found out about the affair. As far as I can tell, she is telling the truth about dedicating herself to saving our marriage. My wife is not very tech-savvy, but I am, so I'm as sure as I can be that she has been faithful to me ever since.
I am far from a perfect person and husband. I simply wasn't paying enough attention to her needs and to that of our family. Through counseling I am changing my behavior and my wife says that she is the happiest that she has been in years. I have made it clear to her that I share a large part of the blame in damaging our marriage, but that it was her decision to have the affair and bring us to the brink of divorce.
Sorry for the long introduction, but I felt that some background was in order.
My problem is that I cannot think of her or look at her without remembering that she cheated on me. The pain of her cheating just dominates my thinking whenever I'm by myself (driving to work, walking the dog, etc.).
I really do believe that she wants to make things work, but I need to be able to think of her as my wife, not as the woman who cheated on me and caused me great pain.
Do these thoughts lessen over time?
If there is anybody that has experienced something similar I would love to hear how it turned out for you and how you handled it.
Thanks.
Anyway, she broke off the affair immediately and we have been attending marriage counseling. I have been checking her phone records, emails, facebook, etc. very closely and very often since I found out about the affair. As far as I can tell, she is telling the truth about dedicating herself to saving our marriage. My wife is not very tech-savvy, but I am, so I'm as sure as I can be that she has been faithful to me ever since.
I am far from a perfect person and husband. I simply wasn't paying enough attention to her needs and to that of our family. Through counseling I am changing my behavior and my wife says that she is the happiest that she has been in years. I have made it clear to her that I share a large part of the blame in damaging our marriage, but that it was her decision to have the affair and bring us to the brink of divorce.
Sorry for the long introduction, but I felt that some background was in order.
My problem is that I cannot think of her or look at her without remembering that she cheated on me. The pain of her cheating just dominates my thinking whenever I'm by myself (driving to work, walking the dog, etc.).
I really do believe that she wants to make things work, but I need to be able to think of her as my wife, not as the woman who cheated on me and caused me great pain.
Do these thoughts lessen over time?
If there is anybody that has experienced something similar I would love to hear how it turned out for you and how you handled it.
Thanks.
I read your post and if I didn't know better I would have thought that was my post!!! Same deal been married for 20 years, I'm tech savvy shes not.. I've been checking her phone records and everything else I can... The only difference is it been 14 months since I found out... The pain gets less but I still think about what she did almost constantly... The anger builds in me... When I do try to talk to her about it it turns in to an agrument or she just wont talk and goes to bed... This has ruined the last 14 months of my live, its also made much improvement too... Its like a catch 22.... It's made me mentally alive again, I've lost 30lbs, started exercising, quit drinking and im pretty much in the best physical shape Ive been in a long long time.... I did confront her boyfrien and I also told his wife.. I confronted him so much he had to call the police on me!!! Funny how this could make a once sain main SO insane!!! I hate her for what she did... Will the pain go away??? I will I ever forgive her IDK.... It should be a crime for what they did... I'm sure what I just wrote wont help any one....
Like you, my spouse has done everything to make amends for what he did to us. He has been totally transparent since dday and he genuinely seems remorseful. We went to MC and we both took ownership for the roles we played that caused us to become so emotionally detached that an affair became possible.
One of the best books I read was "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It really helped me understand how an affair could occur plus it helped me get a handle on all my feelings.
In the early months, like you, I just was not sure if I could continue in my marriage due to the betrayal and the fact that I just did not view my H in the same light anymore. Who the hell was he? Not the person I thought I knew.
I had to really examine myself and some days I felt really guilty for staying with him while my heart was "checked out." But I put in my effort with my motto "Fake it Till you Make it." I wondered if I was working to rebuild my marriage and get my children's hopes up (they both know about the affair, sadly) only to dash everyone's hopes because I could not live with what he had done.
It has been a long....slow process. With time, some of those awful feelings have subsided...but they still show up on occasion. I try to remind myself now on bad days that the good days are tipping the scale much more.
There is also a discussion group on here called Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity. It was a big help to me to join because sometimes the Infidelity forum can really hit those triggers again and set you off. Both forums have helped me tremendously with understanding my feelings, not feeling so alone, and having an outlet to vent on occasion.
I hope you will allow yourself time. Statics show that it can take up to two years for healing. In the beginning, I was surprised that it would take that long. As I get close to my one year mark, I believe it now.
I will be married 23 years in May. I am willing to devote 2 years to doing my very best to repair my marriage and to learn from both of our mistakes - even if it seems like a long time out of my life. I do not want regrets for not giving it my all.
Sending you strength.
It gets a little easier everyday...then it gets tough again. It's a roller coaster. As time goes by the good times are more frequent and the hard times are easier to move past.
Your wife will dictate a lot of this for you. If she's committed to making your marriage work and helping you cope with what has happened in the way that you need, it will get easier.
Hang in there! We're all in the same boat here and are willing to help in anyway we can....
After D-day, the thoughts completely overwhelmed me. I couldn't get through an hour without ruminating. Now, almost a year later, it's not quite as frequent. We are replacing bad with good. I guess as the cliche goes, "time heals". I also am waiting for the next shoe to drop but every day that goes by w/out finding out that she has strayed, helps with that. I've also "reframed" her infidelity in my mind. Thinking of these items help, things like "I didn't marry a virgin" and "she was emotionally depraved and not herself", and "the good that will come of it probably saved our marriage" and "some wifes commit adultery and are never found out and continue it for years, whereas we were able to put a stop to it" and "it could have been far worse, like her wanting to leave me or a pregnancy or a STD"..........
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
The emotional side of you pushes away the logical thoughts.
You KNOW she is sorry, remorseful, ashamed, trying, as well as her many good qualities.
These positive things get pushed aside and replaced with ANGER, JEALOSY, SADNESS, etc.
Ironically, that is how affairs happen as well, but with different emotions.
Once it heads down the slippery slope, all logic is pushed aside.
The affair feels good, so they push aside all of their guilt etc.
This is why they often feel tremendous guilt AFTER discovery.
The guilt feelings rise to the surface.
To answer your question.....for sure.....in almost ALL cases that I am aware of...the thoughts "lessen" over time.
I am three years out, and I still think about it for several hours a day.......but that is MUCH less than 3 years ago.
In your case.....you seem to me a great deal further along the healing track than I was at 3 months out.
Based on that, I think you will be in much better shape in 3 years.
I think it's unbelievably brave of you to look at yourself, and your shortcomings so early in this healing process. This fact alone shows me that you are a cut above many men who have experienced this.
Remember, it does take a few years to heal from this (if both are working on recovery).
You appear to be on the right track.
In the meantime, I believe the obsession has it's place in healing. Your mind is trying to process it.
Don't get alarmed...its VERY normal.
You can try thought stopping techniques (google-obessive thoughts and thought stopping).
I wish I could say I never think about it any more but that would not be the truth. I found out about my H affair 2 years ago. He, like your wife has done everything and anything to put this behind us. We also went for counseling and I continue (even after two years) to check emails, phone records etc.etc. I'm not going to say it hasn't gotten better because it has but some of the feelings I have I feel will never go away. I still replay the moment I found out about the A over and over....I still think about the affair everyday, it may not be as raw as it once was but I still think about it. I feel like I will never truly believe anyone ever again, that I'm sure of. I trusted and believed in no one like my H and he ruined that forever. Do I love him....yes will our relationship ever be as trusting and carefree as it once was...I don't think so. I guess that means I don't truly forgive him even though I told him I do. I don't even bring it up anymore because I feel like he thinks I am just trying to torture him with this over and over again....I don't think that's what I am trying to do but he took something from me that I don't think I'll get back.....I hope you have more luck than me.
I'll give an update on my status, but with an advance warning: if you are looking for a happy ending, then don't read any further.
But if you want to read something juicy, then go get some popcorn and your favorite beverage.
In re-reading my original post, I really, really wish that I could go back in time and slap some sense into my (other) self.
Basically, I was hopelessly naive about the whole situation.
The things that I am going to relate below happened (or I learned about) over a long period of time, but in order to keep this entry somewhat reasonable in length, I'm going to greatly compress it.
About a month after I posted the original entry, some of my wife's (former) friends sent me a letter that they thought that my wife was still seeing the scumbag. I met her friends in person and they then clued me in on everything that my wife had done.
Obviously I was devastated. My wife was an excellent liar (which was news to me). I purchased a tracking device and placed it into her car. On the very first day that I tracked her, she spent 2 hours at the scumbag's appointment. The kicker was that she went there immediately after we had a marriage counseling session.
I kicked her out of the house (which felt very satisfying).
I then talked to a lawyer. Unfortunately, the state that I live in is no-fault, so regardless of her actions, it cannot be used as factor in the distribution of the assets or in any alimony (maintenance). I had asked her to get a full-time job previously, but she had always resisted (she always had an excuse). Now that lack of work came back to bite me hard: not only would she get half of our assets, she was also entitled to half of my income, for several years, if not for life, even though she has a college degree and is able-bodied. The technical legal term for my situation is "fucked". lol
Additionally, my lawyer told me that I had no legal right to kick her out because the house is half hers. Her lawyer told her the same thing, so she moved back in.
Also thrown into the mix is our two teenage sons. I wanted to make sure that they had a good home and money for college, and now both of my goals were endangered.
The juicy stuff? I'll give a quick summary of the highlights (lowlights?) of her escapades:
The other man was a 40-year old bus boy in a Mexican restaurant.
He has no money or car (he has 3 drunk driving arrests, so she had to drive him around)
He's a convicted sex offender (she knew about this, but chose to believe that the other woman lied about the consensual nature of the sex)
He gave my wife herpes. Note: he also gave his rape victim herpes and she had sued him for personal damages in addition to the rape charges. Note 2: Even though my wife never used protection with the scumbag, I managed to escape this disease.
My wife also had an emotional affair with her sister's long-term boyfriend (sexting, emails, letters, phone calls, etc.)
There's plenty more details, but that's enough for now.
Where am I at right now? Just trying to hang on long enough to the marriage so that my younger son can finish high school. I'm pissed off about eventually losing half of everything to her, but I'm trying to give my son a decent home until that time comes. It's not his fault that he has this "person" as his mother.
My username (steadyman) is a reference to my wife's opinion of me: I'm the steady one in our relationship. At the end of the day I'm the cliched "good provider" type of man and the most important thing in the world to me is to give my younger son a decent chance in life. I should say that my older son is now off to college.
Sorry for the lack of a happy ending, at least at this point. I'm hoping for a happy ending in a few years.
I wish you all the best of luck in your own personal struggles.
In re-reading this, I should state that my overall outlook is positive: I am a better man than I was before all this happened and I fully realize how much I love my sons and how important they are to me. I'm also not down on women; I just married a bad one (understatement, that) and I am looking forward to meeting a good woman and having that happy ending with her, even at half of my previous income. lol
Take care,
steadyman
So glad you provided an update.
Sorry about all the later events that happened to you...it must have been very hard on you.
You have amazing strength to persevere through this, yet remain optimistic.
Your story DOES have a VERY happy ending of sorts.
It shows us that no matter how hard things get, life goes on and you can still look toward the future.