Sorry I don't have any advice because I do the exact same thing. I just try everyday not to obsess over it. It is so hard and am here to listen. We can help each other not obsess over it.

I'm only three months into this mess, but I know exactly what you mean. For me, I'm past the whole "how could he do this to me?" phase. Now I'm just sick with anger for what he's done to our family....our CHILDREN.

I'm no seasoned expert here, but I'm taking advantage of all this anger, and using it to work on ME. I can't even think about "us".

All we have is time, my friend. Good luck to you!

I agree with everyone else. I don't know if it's possible to get over it or to think of them as much other than cheaters. I'm pissed. I doubt that's going away. I just cant get past the lies and how our child's life is going to be screwed because he had to screw some stupid bitch who is half our age. Ass.

I don't know how you can stop thinking about her affair. But, when I can distinguish the decent women I married to (my wife) from the wacky sleazy one now I have to deal with (the cheating spouse), I feel much better.

Hope you can do the same....it cannot extinguish the pains, but it can alleviate the sufferings that seem never end.

My 2 cents.

You know, you bring up a very important question. Since I've been on this site, I don't think I've ever heard a reponse from a male who's dealt with an A and then stated how much happier they are now then before the A. In other words, are there any long-term betrayeds that DO look at their wife as a 'wife' and not a 'cheater'? If there is one, I'd sure like to know how they've reached that stage.

And just so I'm not acting all high and mighty, I cheated on my wife as she did me. We both would like to see each other in the same light as we did a long, long time ago.

-TheRule

I don't think it's just your wife - I also just see my H as a cheater now. a predator. I tell him that all the time so he can know how low he has dropped in my estimation. Maybe the end goal is not to forget - but to remember that we are all just human? There is no excuse but nothing we can do will erase their actions. I think it's a case of can we live with them and guard against them for the rest of our lives? Are they fundamentally worth that effort?

Steadyman, that is great your wife is willing to work on the relationship and has broken off the affair. As far as the thoughts and imagery consuming your thoughts, etc., yes, it's hard. Try and talk to her when that happens, but not about the images, keep it light and small talk, the normal day to day stuff. Perhaps that will steer your thoughts away from those persistent memories? I personally don't think mulling over all the fine points will help.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. However, in a way, I think you and yours are lucky. I too have a wife who's cheated and is still doing so. She won't stop, won't go to counseling, won't talk about it. At this point my marriage / relationship is just an empty shell.

I don't see my spouse as a wife or mother anymore. Haven't for awhile. When she tries to insert herself as the "mother" I get very irritated. I see her has a cunning deceitful liar predator who has complete disregard for those closest to her. And, she fails to see the damage she's doing. Each day that this goes on the image of the wife/mother dies a little bit more. In my case, I'm giving her a chance to turn around, or for the other person inside of her to die out completely so that I can then just walk away.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

I am almost 10 months past D-Day now. It does get better, but I can never forget what she did. I have the same problem when Im alone, I will obsess over it. I question everything and dont completely trust her. I really doubt I ever will. All I can say is I have more good days than bad days now, and the rollercoaster drops are less frequent. I am hoping that as time goes by they will disappear.

I am currently 2 years post D-day.

Yes, today the thoughts are less consuming than they were.

Today, I probably ONLY think about it for 2 hours daily....which is a considerable improvement. However, I am not able to forgive her.

It will lessen in frequency and intensity as time goes by...but I am afraid it was always be there to some degree.

Wow, reading this I thought I was writing it myself. I caught my wife 3 and half months ago using Ashley Madison. I had ignored her, work was involved but also our marriage had hit a rocky point.

She stopped right away and we have been working on things since. However she took her time to open up and attend marriage counselling but we are doing it. she still has more work to do for herself but its not fast enough for me and I struggle with that.

I am more angry these days, and in a depression. I have two little kids that would be affected if I call it quits as I do feel that many days, especially when I am alone, driving, just like yourself.

Talking about it is one of the best course of action, but as we know the spouse does not always want to talk about it so I have my own counsellor and I have a friend that I can share with that is helping support me. I also keep a journal on the events since my mind spins most days.

She knows it was a mistake. She needed some self gratification, and seeked it selfishly, admits that, but look at the pain it caused. Now, I cheated on her 7 years ago and paid for it every month until she went out and did it herself. I can not last 7 years with the BS and I will not treat her the way she treated me, even though I deserved most of it. Enough was enough and I burst in March and told her to get out. I let her back in but I gave up mentally and now look at where it got me. The victim, and it hurts soo bad.

I cry a lot, I get angry a lot. I go to the gym now, that helps, I play basketball in the winter and that tends to help except where I play is 5 minutes from the OM house. How ironic.

So, does it get easier, well, I'm reading what those that have gone through it longer then us say and I do hope it will. Is running away from it going to help, I don't know. I doubt it because I still won't forget and if I met someone else, do I tell them?

We are all in a tough situation with no miracle solution.

Steadyman,
I agree with Blindsidedagain that time will lessen the thoughts eventually. Even if the thoughts aren't erased completely, they won't be as bad as time passes. Hang in there. ~ Sling

I want to thank everyone for their responses and relating their own personal experiences. Everyone has a different situation and I wish all of you the best in whatever path your decisions take you.

They say that time heals all wounds. I know that I need to give it more time and to be realistic about my expectations.

But this also cannot go on forever; it would not be fair to me, to her or to our family.

I am not old, but I am not young either. If I need to start over then I want to do so in a year or two.

At some point I will need to make the tough decision as to whether or not my current marriage is better than what I can reasonably expect by starting over. If my thoughts improve dramatically over time or else if my marriage deteriorates over time, then that decision will be easy.

But if I am still in limbo a couple of years from now ...

Like all things in the real world, there are no silver bullets or "Easy" buttons.

Again, I appreciate everyone's views and support.

Good luck to all of you.

I am 2.5 yrs from it and honestly there are some days it doesn't even cross my mind. Time and a lot of work on our marriage has helped me forget.

Best wishes.

I found out about his affair mid September. He called my cell phone with his secret affair cell on accident and then tryed telling me that I was crazy when I asked what number he was calling me from! It took him 6 weeks of his watching me going absolutely crazy for him to finally come clean about the affair. He has been cheating on me with his first girlfriend of 30 years ago. We have been married for 27 years. His affair with her started in March of 2008 when she contacted him on Classmates.com. Within a month it was sexual. I found out about it at that time because of phone records and he said it was just talk....he was curious about how her life had turned out. He said that he would stop and I actually believed him! I was so stupid and so wrong to do that because they both bought to go phones and continued the affair till the day of that call to my cell with his affair cell. He lied to me for 6 weeks about WHO the affair was with. He made up another woman to protect HER. And now I cannot seem to let it go. I think that the lies that he repeated over and over again to me have done something to my brain and the way I think now. I dont know if I will ever be able to forget and move on. Someone please help me. I dont know what to do anymore.

Everyone, I am so sorry for your pain.

It's funny the emotions we feel. For some bizarre reason I have not felt even a hint of jealousy. I don't know why, but I am glad I haven't felt it.

But I sure have felt betrayed and man have I felt anger.

The best thing that helps my anger is to realize that my stbx has finally cut the misery. I mean, imagine being with a person for the rest of your life and always feeling the pain of never being completely connected to that person.

She set me free, and even if we were to get back together she still set me free, for I have learnt so much, and wouldn't take half as much shit from her as I did before. I feel I have power back in my life again, without being used, manipulated, undermined and underappreciated.

Thinking on these things helps me anger, it doesnt take it away, but it helps.