Ummyou cant but you can write down your questions and have her answer them.. preferably in a controlled setting like a therapist office.

You both need tons of individual and couple therapy..buy books and read them, hang out here.. the people here are real and have experienced the same pain you are.

Welcome and so sorry for your pain

i know when we go to councilor I will have to ask but man I dont wanna know any more than I already do.

Your wife is NOT the same person you used to marry to. There have been two separate and distinct individuals since the affair took place.

The one in the "movie" is not the one you love, adore and respect. Separate these two.

not sure how to do that plaw but I really like that idea thank you

So sorry about this.
I won't sugar coat this....it's going to be hard.
The mind movies were particularly difficult to me and resulted in constant anger outbursts.

I recommend the following:

1.) Go to counceling to learn coping mechanisms.

2.) Exercise. Can be very beneficial to relieve stress and to diffuse anger.

3.) Eat well. Think of good food like medicine. Avoid excess sugar and fast food. Eating poorly can really make you feel shittier. Eating well will have the opposite effect.

4.) Avoid stimulants and depressants like coffee and alcohol. It's okay provided you don't use to excess.

5.) Sleep well. This can be a challenge at this point. Try whatever means necessary to get proper rest. In the aftermath of the affair, I often was exhausted due to lack of sleep. It affected my job and my judgement. Being too tired will make you more likely to snap. Try meditation or relaxation CD's to assist you. Make sure you have a comfortable place in your home to decompress....away from your wife. If it continues to be a problem, go to your MD to get sleep meds. I used benadryl...it makes you just a bit sleepier.

6.) Reach out to a friend or relative that you can talk to often. Someone you feel you can say anything to. This was vitally important to me...a lifeline. There were so many nights I would have lost it if I did not have my friends.

7.) Read up on the subject. It will give you perspective on affairs and the associated trauma. I would recommend reading 'Not Just Friends'.

8.) Reimmerse yourself in a hobby or interest. Preferably, something that requires a lot of thinking. My councelor suggested left brain activities. Museum workshops, photography classes. If you occupy you mind, you will have less 'room' to obsess about the affair.

I have tried ALL of above and believe me...it was necessary...I was going fucking nuts with my thoughts. The combination of the above with TIME is what really helps.

I am now 2 years post affair. I think about it every day. However, NOT nearly as long. In the immediate aftermath, I thought about it at least 12 hours a day. I am down to maybee 2 hours. Futhermore, when I do think about it...it has no where near the emotional impact as it did 2 years ago.
It takes time and effort my friend.
I'm so sorry, but life is like this sometimes.

Also, in time, you will find hidden gifts in this mess. For me, it was ....

Self examination
Reprioritizing my life
Learning to appreciate simple things
Learning not to let things bother me
I got healthier - hey I never thought at 45 I'd be doing 200 push ups a day!

Keep posting... we will help you through!

It took me a long time and some nights I would just cry myself to sleep because the silence killed me. Be patient and look forward to the future, what ever that may bring. It will get easier over time.

Excellent suggestions.

I think for everyone it's different. In the near-term, if you know for sure stuff happened, I for one, would not want to know everything. It's just more of the same, except it hurts each time. PLAW said it, they aren't the same people that you married/knew. Something happened and something else too the place of the familiar person.

I have found running very helpful. During the run my mind goes blank. Afterwards there are endorphins which, at least for me, make it so I don't focus on the affair.

It almost doesn't matter what they did, they did something, that is enough. Don't beat yourself up over it, let it pass and take a renewed interest in yourself, your mind, your body.

Sorry this happened to you and good luck. Keep posting.

Unfortunately I found there emails with its graffic descriptions of what they have done so I need not wonder . I unfortunately cant exercise to much as I am 41 and live with parkinsons disease so the occasional ( when my meds are working ) golf game is about all I get but hard to do in the snow.

I unfortunately cant exercise to much as I am 41 and live with parkinsons disease so the occasional ( when my meds are working ) golf game is about all I get but hard to do in the snow.

Sorry that you have an additional challenge. Just make more of the other stuff I suggested. Also, is there some form of exercise you can do? If you can golf, can you go to a pool?

Keep trying!

Not sure if this will help or not, I found something I was passionate about (animal welfare) and decided to through myself into volunteering and raising money etc. Doing something positive for someone else always makes me feel good! If you can find away to do some charity work for something YOU believe in it will be good for you and good for them. Just be passionate about it!!

And this is the time of year to do great things!

lol yesterdfay I had my shrink appointment . I have 2 shrinks but this one I have been seeing for 7 years. I have always talked to my wife about my appointments and for some reason yesterday my wife got nervous. See this shrink is a female and my wife apparently was worried about me and her. Little does my wife know that this women is almost retirement age very unatractive but a very good shrink that I enjoy seeing. I think my wife is writting her own movie. I assured her that I have no desire to ever cheat I feel it absolutely discusting . Truth be told I hope she is writting the movie in her head , maybe then she can begin to feel what she has done to me. Is it wrong of me to feel this way?

Is it wrong of you to feel this way? Not really. Maybe if she has her own little movie going on in her head, and it hurts her beyond reason, she'll see what she is doing to you. And she should see it...

How to stop the movie? I think you have some good suggestions. I don't really have any. I think the movie kind of petered itself out in time. But it did take some time to get good and exhausted...

Sending some support, L~