Im sorry for what you are going through., Yes there is no doubt in my mind this was a "plain old normal affair" She was not raped and "tricked" into an affair, lets face it, if she truly was raped and he somehow threatened her so bad that she truly had no choice to continue a sexual affair, A: would you not have noticed her demeaner, someone that is suppressed and gets raped weekly surely is not a happy bubbly person, she would have been deeply depressed, mentally messed up and you would have noticed, B: she would have told you she was raped and filed charges and C: she would never ever expose her kids to someone that is actively raping her. If she does than she clearly is an unfit person and mother and I don't believe that.

No she had an affair. Whys he says she was raped can have 2 reasons A: she is shifting blame (most likely) or B: she is so disgusted and ashamed of herself that saying she was raped is easier for her to live with than the truth.

Yes you should talk to her about it, sit down when kids are away ads this will be a long chat.
I was sickened with worry that you "trusted" her that she got STD tested. She lied to you for a year or more how can you trust someone after that when she says she got tested, she likely didn't. But Im glad you have an appointment booked.

Sad situation, stay strong

PyroTechNeck,
I hate to be harsh, but your wife cheated on you, lied about it and when caught dead to rights told you some long drawn out blame shifting sob story that only someone who's truly gullible or mentally deficit would believe.

Want to know why she did that to you?

She did that to you because you are apparently the kind of guy who will overlook any behavior, swallow any tall tale she wants to throw at you, and will stand right there and reconcile even though she's not sorry, refuses to accept responsibility, refuses an STD test, and is dictating to you who you can can't talk to like you are the one who slept with another woman rather than the reverse. The kicker is, she is continuing to straight up lie to your face. This entire situation is messed up, reversed and you are allowing her to run you right over with a big mac-truck.

To believe even for a second that your wife was drudged and tricked into having a year long affair that involved weekends away, your children meeting his mother and pictures of them in bed is absurd. That she would try to exploit the me too movement the way she has and the fact that she drug the kids into her affair tells me she has no moral character whatsoever. FYI: When a cheater introduces their kids to the cheater and his family that's a strong indication that they are trying to replace you or that the children belong to the cheater rather than the husband. Something happened. Maybe he left her, she realized you were more gullible and easy to manipulate, or his family rejected her for carrying on an affair while married. Whatever happened, you are likely the second choice.

I'm betting that the longer you keep hanging around and talking about with your wife, the easier it's going to be for her to talk you right into believe this was somehow all a gigantic conspiracy to separate her from the man she loves. Wake up time. Please wake up now.

Pryo....ever post you write to explain more about your wife the more telling it is of who she is.

She seems to have sociopathic tendencies if not just being a sociopath.

Manipulation every step of the way and continues to do this without shame or remorse.

Divorce is hard on kids, but this is on her not you. She doesn't seem fit to be a mother taking them to see the affair partner's mom.

She need professional help and lots of it. It may or may not even help given her ongoing actions.

If you for some reason actually want to stay with her get a pre-nup. It's highly likely in a divorce she will cry abuse and try to take you to the bank and get full custody/alimony/child support and the house.

I'm sorry, but I think you may have married a monster.

Wow, its amazing how everyone can size this woman up without ever meeting her, or hearing her side of the story from her. Support isn't always agreeing with the poster. We don't know him.

I am not excusing her cheating but I will say that you, PyroTechNeck, showed a part of yourself that leads me to believe that there is A LOT more to this story than you are willing to admit.

You said, "I have made my own mistakes, sure have. I got on Hot or Not and Tender after I found out for the attention. Was it “right” no not at all I’m still a married man, but the desire for “acceptance” is a pretty clear cut phase in healing isn’t it?"

Right there you admitted that there's an acceptable excuse for you to cheat in your marriage. You downplay your cheating while continuing to obsess over hers.

"I" think there's cheating from both sides. "I" think there's a lot of dysfunction in your home and "I" think those precious little girls are seeing some really awful stuff because you and your wife are too focused on yourselves to put your family and marriage first. "I" also think things will never be resolved as long you focus on 'one upping' her and trying to prove who's the best and who's the worst.

Stop being a hypocrite. Refurb is right; those girls need a man to guide them. One with integrity, honor, compassion, and morals. They may have husbands one day. Is this what you want for them?

You can't control your wife's actions. Fix yourself and stop using your wife's flaws as an excuse for your own bad behavior.

And you’re right. I’m not down playing it or saying it isn’t wrong. I will say that I didn’t do that until months after she finally admitted to the affair. It’s wrong, but there is a lot more to the story.

I’m not obsessing over her affair and down playing my own mistakes, she knows mine, why they happened, when they happened. She also knows that I’ve been tempted to get attention but have developed healthy ways to combat the emotions and feelings and not repeat the same mistake. I just don’t feel there’s either been open honesty on her part or an action that shows she’s being truthful. Hell for over a year now I’ve tried to get her to explain when it started so I know how long it lasted, she “can’t remember”, and I’m not asking for a date more like just a season..... narrow it down to “fall”.

I will say that yes seeking attention is wrong, but online attention and an affair in the flesh with sex and weekends away are far different.

If you’d like I’ll send you a PM thats more detailed about the entire thing so you’ll be able to understand and provide some insight.

LillyGabriel is right about the tinder type activity. It may not be as bad but it is the slippery slope lots of eventual adulterers.

I didn't realize it has already been a year since D-day for you. Seems like not a lot has progressed.

I believe you will find that once a spouse cheats and they are no longer living together, he can do as he pleases. Don't know if you were officially separated or not but that does matter, legally.

That’s a detail about it that I should put out there. I “found” the evidence of the affair in 2013, For the next three years she would adamantly deny anything had happened at all. After three years of her denying it, I finally reached out and spoke to him. Once she had to admit to it she was finally willing to. So the affair itself ended in 2013, but we couldn’t even start to reconcile the marriage until August 2016. So we’ve been on the process of seeing a faith based counselor periodically. When she first had to admit to it, she said it was just about attention, she didn’t even know why she did. I spent a lot of time realizing that the affair hurt, but it’s a symptom of bigger problems in the relationship. I kept asking questions such as “I know I worked too much, was that part of it”, “I know we had the kids and I finished college and life took over”. Her answer to them all was “you couldn’t have done anything differently”. Then the assault information came out afterwards. I’m not bashing my wife and praising myself here, I’ve got my flaws and faults like everyone. What I am saying is that because we had kids I want to work through this, but you can’t work through anything if the truth isn’t on the table. If her explaination is a lie, which it appears to be, then how do I address that. Sexual assault is a very sensitive thing, as a man I have no way to understand it from a females viewpoint. I do feel that the story doesn’t fit the situation enough to have trust in it. All her actions before, during, and after it say it was an affair. That she chose him over her husband and family. To me it breaks down a little bit like this...... the story if true is so bizarre Hollywood could make a mint off of it, shouldn’t there be an action that shows that its truthful? If all her actions show that no it isn’t, then do I accept it as false. If she say tonight “hey I lied about it because” then my commitment is still there, I just don’t think it’s possible to recover if either the pieces of the puzzle don’t fit, or there isn’t a clear action that overrides that in a way.....

I’ll add another bit of info I think is important. And then ask just a couple very direct questions.

When I first found the evidence of the affair, I was given a pretty tall tale type explaination, I KNEW she was lying. The story just didn’t make sense at all. That’s what I would tell her. I would show her why the story didn’t fit the evidence, it didn’t fit how she acted or the actions she took. But for three years she sure didn’t mind still lying to me, and telling me that my suspicions were my fault, because I just didn’t trust her, even though she hadn’t done anything that would mean I shouldn’t. After three years of being on a wheel of denial (here’s what it looked like.... 1. I know you’re lying, 2. Okay maybe I’m just looking at this wrong, 3. I’m the horrible one because I’m finding it hard to believe my own wife, I’m the issue here. 4. Depression, because who wants to be a horrible untrusting husband when they love their family. 5. A light bulb moment of “nope you’re lying” followed with a “honey I want to save our marriage and be happy, but you have to be honest with me, whatever it is just put it on the table”.... 6. She would lie again and start all over)

Now I feel that I’m on a similar wheel. The “story or truth” doesn’t fit logically in any way. She’s pretty adamant about it being the truth and it’s my fault I don’t believe her fully.... we’re back on the same wheel again almost. And I can’t do three years of doubting every single thought I have.

So here’s the questions.
1. In this situation, wouldn’t it make sense for her to take an action that is appropriate to the situation? Meaning in this case, write a statement, take a lie detector test, and hand it to a DA. I’ve even offered to write a statement, take the test, and lock it in our safe Incase the day came she did make the decision. So shouldn’t common sense say “I’m making my husband believe in the impossible again, here this time I’ll do something that shows blah blah blah.

2. Is it fair for me as her husband to say “listen, you lied so much in the past that I can’t just believe you on your words, I have to see that you’re willing to take action on it. You will write a statement and I will pay for a lie detector test, from there what you do with it is your choice.

3. If she isn’t willing to take any type of action, should that mean I take it as what it appears to be at face value and face value alone, or should I go ahead and do that now.

And just to clarify, we weren’t fully separated (not by our states definition legally), but I had sat her down and told her I wanted a divorce and why. We’re still together because since I made a mistake the entire thing is now my fault.

SO in a nutshell, here I am, another story that just doesn’t add up and doesn’t make any damn sense at all. I want to heal from the abuse she has put me through over the years and years (because turning someone against themselves in thought an emotion in an effort to have them view reality the way you want is abuse), but in order to do that and keep my family together it’s got to be truth or action for me, is that fair?

Do you think you were pressuring her for the reason and at first she said attention and you asked about what you did wrong, trying to make sense of it and she just threw that out to shut you up?

I have to say this much. People who do really shitty self serving things often don't really understand the why of it. It was opportunity mixed with sexual need mixed with the excitement of getting one over.

I think that cheaters are flawed individuals and trying to figure out what you did wrong that made her have an affair is totally the wrong approach. Like she said, nothing you could have done would have prevented it. She was sending you an honest and forthright message that she wanted a little thrill on the side and no matter how good things were with you, she recognized that she would have grabbed that candy.

It's selfish entitlement and that's something that most mentally healthy people have a hard time understanding. We keep thinking there as to more to it than that. There has to be some relationship issues we've overlooked that will make all the pieces fall into place. What kind of woman would betray her own husband, endanger his health and drag her kids along for the ride. She was selfishness and felt like she was entitled to do whatever she wanted. It really is just that simple.

The only way to move forward in a positive direction is the understand it's not primarily a marital problem. For me the answer would be leave or have her participate in individual therapy until she understands why she thought it was okay to have sex with another man behind your back, lie about it, get your kids involved and cozy up to his family. The answer is always related to a personal weakness of character in the CS. That will never go away and she will always be at risk for repeating the behavior or doing some other underhanded thing, until she discovers why she thinks the rules of decent behavior don't apply to her.

Have you visited chumplady?

The people on that wesite are spouses of the kind of cheater your wife is, narcissistic. Her cheating story is pretty absurd. On that site you will find hundred of men just like yourself who were betrayed, lied to, string along, and their stories are just about as ridiculous as yours. The lady who runs the site is very logical and unwinds all the bull that spouses dish out.

I married when I was a teenager so I was pretty immature to begin with and I would do some crazy things to try and figure out why my husband cheated and who with. I think his lying bothered me more than anything. I completely lost all feeling and respect for him.

I don't know how you're going to get the answers you're looking for. I never did. You have more invested with children involved so I'm lucky that we didn't have any. I agree her story sounds far fetched but it's been years and she's still sticking to it. I'd say that's a dead end as far as getting anything more from her and you're just driving yourself crazy trying. You've got to decide if you want to move forward with her just as things are now or not.

Why don't you write her a letter telling her how you feel, without making demands of her for polygraphs and such? Decide what you want and do it. Sometimes just that takes years. You're beating a dead horse as far as her making a full confession is concerned. Personally, I couldn't stay with someone I couldn't trust but I don't have children to consider. I remember wanting every detail but never getting anything more than I could find out on my own. I just couldn't live like that anymore. You're not to blame for her cheating.

Either way she needs help herself or she is helping herself with the double life characteristics. Save yourself and your kids from this. This is not any easy fix for her if she actually wants to be fixed. Sometimes couples can get thru cheating but affairs are much harder. Think about what you need so you can attract what’s is meant to be for you.

1. You are trying to take control over a situation that you have zero control over. You can get her to take a lie detector test but that only gives you the truth but not because she wanted to confess or wanted to change. It is pretty obvious she has no intention of changing or growing.....so as someone already said you are beating a dead horse. The reason she doesn't give you details because the web of lies will fall apart....there are already so many inconsistencies in her story if she were to embellish further it would just become comical. That why, I can't remember is the safest route for her.

2. As before, she shows no signs of wanting to be honest or grow/change. Lie detector test is useless and I doubt she would take it anyways if she is lying.

3. Reconciling is really hard and slow process that is mainly pursued by the cheating spouse. Nothing you have posted so far gives me the faintest impression that she is willing to take any action at all.

You can't worry about a marriage she already ended and has little interest in repairing. Right now the focus should be on your own healing and nurturing your children.

.A small percentage of cheaters will change and become decent people, ergo the generalization that once a cheater always a cheater.

My wife ended it herself, confessed, and is putting in hard work with individual counseling and at home to help with reconciliation with no long term promises from me. Still there is no guarantee that she is part of that small percentage.

@forwardmotion,

Thank you very much for your post. That pretty much sums up in a way how I feel right now.

I guess if she really wanted to reconcile the marriage and move forward to being a healthy person and wife she would make sure it came down to one of two things.

1. She confesses the truth and the truth makes sense, it might hurt like hell but it’ll all add up. It’ll end up being she was selfish, self centered, and ultimately decided she could have a husband and family at home, and also go have an affair because... why not. The world was hers to do with as she wanted, we had kids and she knows how dedicated I am, plus if I never found out, the freedom was hers to have.

2. She takes an action that says hey sadly I was still fully willing to make all these decisions that hurt you, endangered your health, the health and well being of our family but they were done because of this completely bizarre and illogical reasoning. I’ll go get help and part of that help is to make sure I do my part as a survivor of it to ensure he isn’t so free to do it to other women.

Neither one of those has taken place, and I think that’s what the problem is. I personally haven’t had a problem telling her my thoughts and emotions over the years, and I’ve dedicated myself to repairing the relationship and moving forward, but it had to have truth to it, not 110% all the facts, but the truth had to make sense, it had to draw the rough sketch at least, didn’t have to be a finalized painting. But this picture couldn’t look like an island in a tub full of spoiled milk to me and anyone else while you tell me that no it’s a picture of a mountain.

We’re going to have a pastor and his wife of 40 years over to sit with us while we talk about this, I’ve also been told not to talk about it with her without someone there to guide us in the conversation, but maybe I just need to come right on out and say “hey I don’t believe you, the story is just far out there and doesn’t make sense, I’m still willing to save our family, but I’m going to fix me, you go fix you, and we will pick the conversation back up IF we can both get to a place that it’s even possible, right now it’s not”