Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years and have two children that mean the world to me. Years ago I discovered an affair, of course she lied and denied the affair and I was ignorant enough to allow her to. In October 2016 I finally talked to the man I had suspected her of having an affair with years prior and had enough information about it all to where she couldn’t deny the affair. The confession, after three years of adamant denial, started off pretty much admitting to the affair. She didn’t offer any answer to why, what she was attracted to, or when it started. I know when it stopped, the day I found a picture of her and him laying in his bed together in her email. After 6 weeks or so the answers started to take a turn towards how she didn’t even want to have the affair, he basically drugged her and raped her, then manipulated her into the affair. I know without a doubt the affair lasted 12+ months and she went and spent weekends away with him and took our children to meet his mother. The infidelity itself doesn’t matter to me anymore, it’s the emotional damage and manipulations that do, the abuse is never okay. But I do wonder, how likely is it that this really occurred? That he drugged and raped my wife and then was able to manipulate her into a full blown affair, or is it just that she went down that route to escape in a manner of speaking the responsibility for her own decisions and actions? I’ve told her that if that was the case she has a moral obligation to speak to the authorities, our pastor even knows our local DA personally and could set a meeting up. She’s obviously adamantly against this idea, which just raises the question, was it that or was it just an affair plain and simple and now she doesn’t want to take the accountability for it.
She thinks you are stupid. She had an affair because she wanted to. It's that simple.
You caught her and she made up that crazy story so you don't divorce her.
That wouldn't be a bad idea. Get full custody of the kids.
She looks to be pretending to be a victim and blame shifting.
Unrepentant cheaters who do not take responsibility for their affairs will have to justify/minimize/blame shift in order manage their own self image.
A lie detector test could be a good idea....and possibly STD and paternity tests.
This affair could be the tip of the iceberg of skeletons in her closet.
A warning is that people with high sociopathic tendencies can pass these tests because they lack the emotional triggers that tests pick up on.
What if what she says is true, and as a husband I’ve refused to accept all together that it may have occurred that way.
How do I approach a conversation that at its core basically says, “hey if this is what happened we WILL do a, b, c.” If she isn’t willing to pursue the correct action against him, then I’ll have to accept that the story is falsehood. A story made up to shift away blame and can it up in a nice neatly packaged “do not open” container.
Is it common for women who commit infidelity to lie about rape to avoid responsibility? That’s what I’m looking for.
Either way, you can't force her to do or say anything she isn't ready to. If you want answers and have the funds, maybe you could have him investigated? If he did drug and rape her, its likely she isn't his only victim.
I suspect your children are already affected by this as its been a part of your lives for years. I wish you peace with whatever turns out to be the truth.
Thank you for your input on it. And I’ve contemplated how difficult it would be for her, and I know she has mentioned that as part of the reason she doens’t want to pursue any action about it. The part that really holds me back from being able to accept that as the reality is the 12+ months of going and spending weekends away with him, befriending his mother, taking them parts of our Thanksgiving dinner one year. Those things indicate to me that this wasn’t as traumatic as I would even like to believe it was for her. It the experience was debilitating to her with the trauma it caused, I can’t see her keeping a relationship with him for over a year behind my back that easily. Eventually I would have assumed the “trauma” of it all would have broken her and she would have ended it, the easiest way would have been to speak with her husband and not have to go see him anymore. The truth is that it only stopped once I discovered it, and she wasn’t honest about it until she had no choice but to be. I can see her not wanting to just up and tell me about it, but I can’t see denying it for over three years if it was assault.
Just a really crappy situation to process and understand all around. We’ve done some counseling sessions together and the therapist and our Pastor have even told her that if that’s true she has a moral obligation to do what is right and speak to someone. Ugh, just seems to be no clear way around it.
Cheater lie; it's what they do.
Why would anyone have a relationship with a rapist?
for whatever reason the two them haven't decided to run off together.
you don't know if sh's still fucking him.
you don't know if she's fucking some other guy.
you know that she's been feeding you a big pile of bullshit.
you don't like the after taste.
get tested for stds
get all of her passwords, if she balks, you better run to a divorce attorney
if she gives you access to all, are you prepared to divorce, reconcile if it's ugly truth? same if it is good truth?