Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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fabyperry 08/29/2011

Well I have een married for 13 years now, and have two kids. My husband is a good man, but since after the year of marriage we have had no intimacy at all except for once or twice a year. In the early years I always looked for ways to get him interested, but nothing. He is not the affcetionate type and can care less aout sex. We went into the marriage without having premariatl sex either, so I guess I suspected it was going o be ok since it is probably the easiest thing between couples.

Well after going to counselors, doctors, friends, elders at my church etc. I met someone who got crazy about me and me about him. It was not intented. I was not looking for it, but it sucks. I unfortunatelly had sex with him and moved away after a few months for jobs. I never told my husband.

I have tried to get closer to him, but he is depressed all the time because job problems, trying to make neds meet etc. Now after 5 years of being faithful. I met someone at work and we started being friends. He has always being my friend and nohing else, but stupid me I am so in love with him and Can't sleep. I finally told my husband te truth about everyting. We went to a marriage retreta and hoped things were going to change ofr the better, but nothing.

Seriously I could count the times we had sex in a 9 months and still have finger in one hand down. I dont hate my husband and pray he sees my needs. I have exposed myself to him withtis problem, but he just pretend everything is ok. I DO NOT want to fall in love with anybody. I married him because I loved him, But all I have had is rejection over and over again.

I feel Like I need adulterous anonymous or soemthing. It is not a sport for me. But now I love this man I met at work. We are so very good friends, I could giv my life for him. The funny thing we have never had sex before, and he cares for me just as a friend.

My counselors says that I fall in love with uinavailable men.
Wow I feel like I am cursed. I just wanted to love and to be loved authentically. It was not in my plan to be ver unfaithful o my handsome husband.

Please someone help me!

hardtostay15 08/29/2011

My advice? Displaced feelings and emotions. You are in love, but you aren't in love with your work friend. You are in love with the idea that someone is paying attention to you. And you would never think twice about this friend if your husband was paying the same attention to you as he is.

I need to say this very simply... go to your husband and tell him that this is serious. You thought you could live with no affection or physical activity with him, but you now cannot with without it. Tell him that we; not he, need to work on changing our routine to now include sexual physical touch and affection. Tell him this is something you cannot live without.

You've probably heard already that some animals that don't receive physical attention will die of loneliness. Well, I know I would be a very bitter person without passion in my life. A tough one coming from my relationship with my wife.

Make it serious and to the point.

Thats it. Good luck. Keep us posted.

deleted_user 08/29/2011

Definitely talk to him and make it clear how this is effecting you. Would he be open to honest non-monogamy? I strongly advise against lying or cheating (for many reasons, among which that he will never give you the green light after that to do anything with anyone else). Check out the Dan Savage archives at thestranger.com/savage to learn about responsible non-monogamy (and lots of other interesting stuff). Just keep honesty and integrity your primary concerns.

jimthzz 08/29/2011

I think you ought to divorce this man. You've cheated with two different men already and are zooming in on doing it again.

If your husband is not into sex with you, further time and marriage "fixing" will not help.

It doesn't matter your intent, you find a way to eventually cheat.

Deprivation pushes you towards it even if you feel guilty.

But staying in the marriage that is unconsummated is a state of being that should not continue.

deleted_user 08/29/2011

Get a new husband, one that doesn't mind being betrayed and cheated on. While you might have your reasons for being intimate with others... it is NOT OK to do this to your husband, no matter what. Either join a twelve step program for sex addicts, or leave. You have a serious problem
By the way, if I'm not mistaken, this group is for people who have been cheated ON, not the ones that are cheating
You are sick

deleted_user 08/29/2011

Obviously, you have tried to "fix" your marriage for way too long. The fact that it hasn't changed yet should tell you your marriage is not working, and it's probably never going to get better. I hate to say it, but more likely than not, you will look back ten years from now and see everything is the same or worse if you stay in this situation.
You should also realize that this cheating probably will affect your children as well and even cause them to resent you, if it hasn't aleady

deleted_user 08/29/2011

hardtostay: Good post!
lissygurl: I really, as( being betrayed) cannot still agree with your harsh comments:(
fabyberry:
I think that it is a normal to want affection. Isn't that the reason why we are married at the first place? That is what we expected to come along, we we would not need to have a marriage licence to get a roomate. I can see how this situation has led you to look for other sources.. However, it would be a selfish and continue doing this without giving your husband an opportunity to hear exactly what you think and said here, and then let him know what might happen if you won't get your needs met. Then you should make a tough decessions of what is the next step.. do not contuniue cheatiing, because it will hurt you most (even if u do not see it now), and it will hurt everyone involved. The price will be paid sooner or later..

Crossroads64 08/29/2011

If your H doesn't see that the lack of sex is way out of line for a healthy marriage & want to work to change it, then what choice do you have, really?
No, you don't have the choice to cheat - that is never an option. You have the choice to end the marriage and pursue happiness.

It could be your H has low testosterone or some other problem that causes below-normal drive. But if he doesn't want to address it, if your needs don't register on his barometer, then you have to choose: a non-existent sex-life, or divorce.

I'm sorry for your situation.

fabyperry 08/29/2011

Hi Everyone,
I want to thank you for being honest and thoughtful. It is not easy at least for me to be in the open about this. I am an honest person, and I have told everything to my husband. I have been open and sincere about my feelings and desires, and also about this relationship with this co-worker; who believe it or not we have never had anything at all.

I am just saying that I can get him out of my head and my husband keeps on ignoring me. He is drepressed and yer his testosterone is very low. Regardless of testosterone shots, he is still the same. Sex is not in the menu for him and neither is affection. I know It does not give me the lisense to cheat which I don't want from the bottom of my heart I say it, but I ma starving for the intimacy, love and friendship I signed up for. I want to believe, but at times I just think this will not change unless he wants to.

Sorry I up set some of you, but the category in which we are writing is called infidelity. It is not called ONLY for those who were cheated.

Thanks for the support and advice. It really got me thinking. God knows better and I will trust him. I will get out of this situation soon or later.

deleted_user 08/30/2011

I feel badly for you in that the very same thing happened to me. I know how it feels to recieve no love and affection and to be rejected. However, I did not look outside of my marriage to get what I needed. How can you expect to solve a problem in your marriage with your spouse by looking to someone outside of your marriage? It is that part of your story that doesn't sit well with me.
If your H is unwilling to solve the problems in your marriage, you can't do it alone and you may need to find happiness elsewhere. A counselor saying you fall in love with unavailable men if off the mark.YOU are unavailable and your counselor should be helping you to see this! I hope you will stop cheating on your H and do the right thing from now on.

deleted_user 08/30/2011

typo..."is" off the mark, not "if"

silla00 08/30/2011

"Get a new husband, one that doesn't mind being betrayed and cheated on. While you might have your reasons for being intimate with others... it is NOT OK to do this to your husband, no matter what."

I'm with Lissy on this one. If you have problems in your marriage, you're hardly going to fix them by going outside of your marriage.

"I am an honest person" hmm I'm not sure how honest you were to your husband while you were cheating on him all these times during your emotional/physical affairs...

distancemj 08/30/2011

fabyperry: This is coming from someone very much like your husband. And a situation similar to yours. I was cheated on for the excuse of i was not giving her enough sex and i was not paying enough attention to her and i was not as affectionate as she needed. The difference is she never communicated it to me.
Does your husband work a lot? It sounds like he has a lot of stress to deal with?
I work any where between 50 and 80 hours a week, I have 3 kids to raise, and a house to maintain and household chores to maintain. Plus all the other little stressors that get added to life. All my w has to do is work her 40 hours, come home, sit on the couch watch tv, read her books and play on the internet. And while i can imagine that it can get stressfull doing that at times, i know i have no energy or time at the end of the day to have sex or anything.
I am sure you probably do more of the chores and put more than your share into things. but take a look at what he has going on, see if there is anything you can do to give him a boost up out of his depression.
More often than nothe is never going to be a touchy feely sex type of guy, but my opinion (biased because it ist he type i am LOL) is that is the type of guy that is the best at a marriage. It is the type of guy who realizes that sex and affection are not everything, It is the type of guy that realizes that there are more important things in life to focus on.
I do not mean to offend anyone, but i hear so many women sit and complain that all their guy wants is sex,and they want more than just sex, so when they find a guy who is not all about sex, they cannot accept it.

KRKing911 09/25/2011

I have always believed it's best to finish something before you start something else. Plain and simple.

deleted_user 09/25/2011

It's normal to want attention and need sex from your partner however you seem to be a very confused person to me. You are saying that you are cursed because you are so drawn to unavailable men. No, it's a choice you make. I don't think you are comfortable with yourself and that you need the approval of others (men) to feel good about you. You say that it was never a plan to cheat but neither did you take yourself out of close encounters. It's something we all have to work on in life. Your not alone. You can make a choice to be a lying cheater all your life and make excuses for your behavior or you can face your issues that you have with your husband and/or leave him if you can't be faithful. Harsh , yes but true. None of us has the right to destroy other people because of our own insecurities. Did you think that your husband may sense that you are not interested in him and that's why he has a difficult time being passionate with you. Cheaters always portray themselves as being the victim. How does he feel, what does he want, is he attracted to you, does he have any medical problems such as ED or premature ejac. that he may be embarrassed about? You need to continue getting help from your counselors. Also, if you love this man at work then why haven't you left your husband? Is he just the choice if nothing else works out?

fabyperry 09/25/2011

It is easy to judge at a glance about people who hurts because they feel trapped ina life situation. To "Grancten" I wrote this posting because I really need help, not to get my head cut off. We are human beings an suffer and even make others suffer. I do not pretend to stop my marriage, but I feel like I got to a place where it seems non existent. You ahve no idea the nights I have spent crying and lonely right next to him because there have been months and months with nothing between us. No even a friednship.

On the other hand, I consider myself an honest person. I have fallen into temptation. I sahred the whole thruth with my husband and he still pretends to liev a life like nothing ever happened. I have not gotten physical at all with this friend, but I feel stronly attrackted to him. My friend simply wats to be my friend and my hyusband dont know what he wants. I just feel lost in the whole situation. I ma not trying to forget about my husband while being with him, I just feel trapped by my own desicions to love and to be loved.

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