Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Well I have een married for 13 years now, and have two kids. My husband is a good man, but since after the year of marriage we have had no intimacy at all except for once or twice a year. In the early years I always looked for ways to get him interested, but nothing. He is not the affcetionate type and can care less aout sex. We went into the marriage without having premariatl sex either, so I guess I suspected it was going o be ok since it is probably the easiest thing between couples.
Well after going to counselors, doctors, friends, elders at my church etc. I met someone who got crazy about me and me about him. It was not intented. I was not looking for it, but it sucks. I unfortunatelly had sex with him and moved away after a few months for jobs. I never told my husband.
I have tried to get closer to him, but he is depressed all the time because job problems, trying to make neds meet etc. Now after 5 years of being faithful. I met someone at work and we started being friends. He has always being my friend and nohing else, but stupid me I am so in love with him and Can't sleep. I finally told my husband te truth about everyting. We went to a marriage retreta and hoped things were going to change ofr the better, but nothing.
Seriously I could count the times we had sex in a 9 months and still have finger in one hand down. I dont hate my husband and pray he sees my needs. I have exposed myself to him withtis problem, but he just pretend everything is ok. I DO NOT want to fall in love with anybody. I married him because I loved him, But all I have had is rejection over and over again.
I feel Like I need adulterous anonymous or soemthing. It is not a sport for me. But now I love this man I met at work. We are so very good friends, I could giv my life for him. The funny thing we have never had sex before, and he cares for me just as a friend.
My counselors says that I fall in love with uinavailable men.
Wow I feel like I am cursed. I just wanted to love and to be loved authentically. It was not in my plan to be ver unfaithful o my handsome husband.
Please someone help me!
Well after going to counselors, doctors, friends, elders at my church etc. I met someone who got crazy about me and me about him. It was not intented. I was not looking for it, but it sucks. I unfortunatelly had sex with him and moved away after a few months for jobs. I never told my husband.
I have tried to get closer to him, but he is depressed all the time because job problems, trying to make neds meet etc. Now after 5 years of being faithful. I met someone at work and we started being friends. He has always being my friend and nohing else, but stupid me I am so in love with him and Can't sleep. I finally told my husband te truth about everyting. We went to a marriage retreta and hoped things were going to change ofr the better, but nothing.
Seriously I could count the times we had sex in a 9 months and still have finger in one hand down. I dont hate my husband and pray he sees my needs. I have exposed myself to him withtis problem, but he just pretend everything is ok. I DO NOT want to fall in love with anybody. I married him because I loved him, But all I have had is rejection over and over again.
I feel Like I need adulterous anonymous or soemthing. It is not a sport for me. But now I love this man I met at work. We are so very good friends, I could giv my life for him. The funny thing we have never had sex before, and he cares for me just as a friend.
My counselors says that I fall in love with uinavailable men.
Wow I feel like I am cursed. I just wanted to love and to be loved authentically. It was not in my plan to be ver unfaithful o my handsome husband.
Please someone help me!
I'd switch counselors too! This one doesn't seem to be worth the money!
And one particular point it grew to critical mass in me. I questioned whether she really did love me, as I couldn't figure out why if she knew I needed sex so much more often, even if she wasn't thrilled with it that much, why wouldn't she do it because she knew I needed it? What did she lose by doing it? A little time? And the benefits for a happier husband and closer marriage would have more than made up for the inconvenience.
So one night I sat in my car late at night after coming home from work and cried, and prayed. I went through my options. I did think, "I could find another woman to have sex with if she doesn't want to do it." After all, there was a woman at work that I knew showed me some interest, who complained to me about her "uncaring" boyfriend. Starting an affair wouldn't have been that difficult to do. But I knew I couldn't do that to my wife, or my kids. My mother had an affair on my dad, and they got a divorce and she married the OM. I swore I would never do that to my kids. I know all too well what that is like. And it sucks equally well for the kids.
The other two options I came up with was to either get a divorce so I could find someone who would love me as I wanted, or just accept that this was the way it would be for the rest of my marriage and learn to live with it. Though I was having trouble feeling that she loved me, in my head I knew she did. I knew some of the sex issues arose from things she'd experienced as a child, the idea that it was "dirty." I didn't attribute her avoidance of it purely because she failed to love me as she wanted to.
And I couldn't see divorcing, so I decided I would have to learn to live with it. The odd thing is I asked God for a sign that this would end up working out. Low and behold, I went to bed around 3 am that morning (I usually got home around 1-2am), and something happened that has yet to happen before or since. She woke up, and wanted sex, in the middle of the night. That encouraged me to hold down the fort.
It did get better. She become more open to doing it regularly, even though not as frequently as I would like. But at least I didn't feel I had to beg for it. Her attitude changed about it after a few years. And the only positive thing to come out of her affairs is she now enjoys sex a lot, and wants it as often as I do for the first time in our marriage. Not sure exactly how long that will last, but it shows no signs of abating, even since the fog has lifted from dday on. That change will become one year old this next month. It took 28.5 years to get there, so I sort of consider this part of my reward for being faithful.
Will your husband ever change? Who knows. But it seems you have three choices. Cheat on him, divorce him, or accept that this is the way it will be and learn to live with it until and if he changes.
I would not recommend to do the first, that only compounds the problems seven-fold and more. And any affair you have can't be long-lasting as long as you are still married to him. So it will never fix the problem. Only complicate it.
The second, do this only if it is a deal breaker, if you simply can't live without this, or you know yourself well enough to know you will have a heck of a time not cheating on him without it.
But before you do the divorce route, take some of the suggestions here. Go to him and tell him clearly that this is a need you have to have met, or it will ruin your marriage with him. It will result in the eventual dissolving of the marriage whether he and you want it to or not. Let him know how serious this is, and you doing your best to remain faithful to him.
And once you have him on board with the need to do something about this, you both do together two things to get rolling. One, go to marriage counseling together. Most recommend a different counselor than one you may be going to individually.
Two, read the book together, "His Needs, Her Needs." It will enlighten both of you to identify and fulfill the need for romantic love in each others life. As each person receives and perceives love from another person by different actions. For you, it is sex. For him, it may be respect, or domestic support.
If he is simply unwilling to cooperate, then it would seem you have a decision to make. Either divorce, or accept it as how married life with him will be and get used to it. Not easy, but I'm living testament that it can be done.
One of the things that made me realize what I had done to my wife (not to justify the affair, but to hurt our marriage bonds) was that one of my W's romantic needs was companionship and time spent together. I had been so busy with job and writing that I had little of that to give. When it hit me hardest in reading that book is when I realized that what I had cried over and struggle with years earlier, her not being sexually affectionate with me, was the same thing I was doing to her now. She needed my time and attention, and by me not giving that to her on a regular basis, I was in effect telling her "your need for companionship isn't as important as my need to get things done."
I knew she needed that attention. Had known it for a long time. But I never stopped to think that by not giving her that much, that she didn't feel I loved her. The same as I felt she didn't love me when I rarely got sex, and when I did, I had to beg for it as she shied away from it.
It took an affair to highlight the seriousness of these deficiencies. It took nearly losing my wife to another man to make me realize I needed to step up to the plate on meeting her romantic needs, before I realized how serious it was.
I hope it doesn't take your husband that much to realize how serious this is. Like I said, this is not an excuse to cheat, and any decision to do so will make things infinitely worse for you and your husband, not to mention the agonizing hurt and pain you go through. You'll be hurting the OM as well, because he can't really have you fully. You'll give it only to pull away, unless you do divorce your husband first.
And keep in mind, the desires for this may seem very strong. It may get to the point where you feel you will die if you don't get them. That is a lie. You will live, and once past that, be quite happy assuming other things are in place. He does need to realize you need this to feel close to him, to have a real marriage where the two become one, but what you are experiencing with this other man isn't love. It is infatuation. It is merely the feeling of love that can never mature to the reality. You don't want to go there unless you really can give him 100% of you and your life. Which you can't until you divorce your husband.
Otherwise, you're simply being selfish in fulfilling your wants and desires at the expense of hurting a lot of people. You don't want that. Trust me. My you find wisdom in dealing with this.
You need to talk to your husband and if he's not willing to meet you half way and give you what you need, then you should seriously consider divorce.