Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Tonight the saga of the strange mind of my husband continues.
While I am struggling to make a direction in my life and he starts a new 'relationship' (I call it that as it is not really one), with his slut, we talk.
He tells me tonight, that although he is with her, he is thinking in terms of plans for he and I in the future. Yes, he is thinking about how he could change how he works and where we live etc etc and about a future with me. Yes, he is out to dinner as we speak with his slut and they will go back to his unit tonight and do their thing. And he is not going to stop doing that until he is ready. After all, he has spent the last few years of his life doing what others have told him to and now he wants to do what he chooses to do. That being seemingly having her, getting his rocks off with her until he has had his full...........
I asked him if he had perhaps told her of his plans, and was she aware that he was thinking this way, and of course he has not. She is, as far as we know, just thinking she has 'won' and that the pair of them are going to see if they can make a go of it together.
Now how they can do that while he tells me all this other crap, I do not know.
When I dare mention that perhaps it may not be an option to come back to me he just replies 'well, you said that you would always consider me'. Of course at one time I did. I explained carefully that perhaps his 'thing' with his slut in this small town, where he is now taking her out publicly, may in fact hurt me a tad too much and did that ever cross his mind. You know what? I dont think it did.
My God, what some men think! He genuinely thinks that he is ok doing his thing his way as it is what he wants. I really dont care that little slut gets hurt in the long run, but where does this husband of mine get his licence to run his life like that?
Can anyone make any sense of him?? Any different opinions or takes on it?? or is he just completely f......ed?
While I am struggling to make a direction in my life and he starts a new 'relationship' (I call it that as it is not really one), with his slut, we talk.
He tells me tonight, that although he is with her, he is thinking in terms of plans for he and I in the future. Yes, he is thinking about how he could change how he works and where we live etc etc and about a future with me. Yes, he is out to dinner as we speak with his slut and they will go back to his unit tonight and do their thing. And he is not going to stop doing that until he is ready. After all, he has spent the last few years of his life doing what others have told him to and now he wants to do what he chooses to do. That being seemingly having her, getting his rocks off with her until he has had his full...........
I asked him if he had perhaps told her of his plans, and was she aware that he was thinking this way, and of course he has not. She is, as far as we know, just thinking she has 'won' and that the pair of them are going to see if they can make a go of it together.
Now how they can do that while he tells me all this other crap, I do not know.
When I dare mention that perhaps it may not be an option to come back to me he just replies 'well, you said that you would always consider me'. Of course at one time I did. I explained carefully that perhaps his 'thing' with his slut in this small town, where he is now taking her out publicly, may in fact hurt me a tad too much and did that ever cross his mind. You know what? I dont think it did.
My God, what some men think! He genuinely thinks that he is ok doing his thing his way as it is what he wants. I really dont care that little slut gets hurt in the long run, but where does this husband of mine get his licence to run his life like that?
Can anyone make any sense of him?? Any different opinions or takes on it?? or is he just completely f......ed?
Do you think he may have some mental issues...bipolar or some sort of personality disorder? I know that my wife thought she was invincibile during her affair. She didn't care how things affected me or anybody else. She thought she had every right to do whatever she wanted because she deserved it. But, when the bubble burst, she came down hard. We ended up in the emergency room because of suicide plans.
At first I was going to say no I can't make sense of him, but unfortunately, he sounds so familiar to me.
I have been married twice before...the very first time, hard to count since I was 17 and thought I was an adult...yeah right...he was the same age, and although it ended with abuse and cheating most of it I chalk up to our age. BUT, just a couple years ago...when we were both 35, I saw him again, we had a daughter together, now both of us have moved on to other people, and other children and almost no contact in the middle, he pulls out letters and cards I had given him then, and with his WIFE upstairs with my HUSBAND tells me how he's never stopped loving me, we could make a life, am I really happy etc...WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? My ex husband was the same way...cheated, abusive, alcoholic who thought nothing of his behavior all the while questioning mine, even after I left, even after he was with someone else, he too still chased. Am I that great? No, they are that bad. They are not honest people who can see who they are and what they do....it's all about them and what they want.
As for the slut....I have NO sympathy, as you know in my case this SLUT walked in with eyes open that he was married, and as far as I am concerned she deserves every hurt and slap she gets...
He doesn't get the right to act like this, and you deserve so much more. A man who only wants you, who will do anything NEVER to hurt you, and who truly values who you are as a person.
This guy? LET the door hit him in the ass on his way out...he deserves it.
I agree with the others, he is behaving in a very grandious way. My husband got "high" at first, He actually thought I would say something like "Oh Honey, I am so sorry that I had two surgeries in the past 6 months and you weren't getting enough attention. Golly, let me fix this right away!" He didnt even think I would be hurt, because I am always so strong! Well,first I fell apart, second I read him the riot act non-stop for weeks. After he crashed he shook his head and wondered how he could have thought what he was doing was ok. Because he wanted it! That is why. He is a caker (love that phrase)and since I had never been easy to anger...hell, I dont know what he thought. My best guess is, believe it or not, the infatuation high, was behind it. An infatuation, especially under these circumstances, alters people chemically. Add alcohol (my husband was drinking he admits 10 to 14 drinks a night, at the bar, with the bar slut!) He did not drink like that at home and he believes he went on a binge in order to allow himself his usually taboo pleasures??? Who knows if that is true, but I remember his strange behavior and thinking..."THIS IS CRAZY!!"
Don't let it make you crazy. The behavior is strange but not unknown.
Nave
One last question. What would you be unwilling to put up with, where is the line that he can not cross?
Today he asked me to give him until 10pm Monday night to call it off with his slut. He told me he has made his mind up that he wants to come home and talked about it with her last night. Apparently he was crying as he missed his boys growing up each day and he did not want to be a part time father. He also missed me as a happy go lucky person in his life.
I did not want to agree to the deadline, but we are separated at the moment, what can I do? It seems he has plans for her for the weekend. I am so cut up about this today I wanted to give up on everything.
I am making myself not believe what he has said for it is only a recipe for another big fall. But the hope is still there and I DONT KNOW WHY I CANT GIVE IT UP.
He has pushed the boundaries of decency too far. I explained that to him today. I told him repetitively that I could not take him back but he kept on and on about how it is what he wants. He got angry when I said a few things and said that he would go with her and when I agreed he quickly turned about and told me he wanted me.
I know I will put some of my hopes on him. I dont want to, but I know I will. I WISH I KNEW WHY MY STUPID HEART KEEPS OVER -RULING MY HEAD.
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
I have spent the evening with good friends who have also reminded me that actions speak louder than words. I just have to look at his actions to see who he really is as his words are just used to pretty himself up.
Many thanks for this.
Love the 180 as well and my mom could have written that book. She told me to follow much of what was posted, which I did (even if it was just a front for H) and he came running back at one point.
You have got to knock the fence sitter OFF the fence and not allow him to have his cake and eat it too.
Tell him never to call you again. Never to contact you again ( unless it deals with kids or finances, if there are any) and that you no longer will listen to him saying that he wants you.. that you just want to hear NOTHING from him. That he is out doing what HE WANTS and that CONSTITUTES A DIVORCE- NOT A "YOU CAN COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE DONE".
He is playing you from both ends of the string. Cut the string and REALLY show him that you are moving on and that you mean business.
He will either stay with his whore.
Or come running with his tail between his legs.
But in either instance... would it be any worse than what he is putting you through right now?