Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Im hoping I just need a reality check of my own here. Here is my story. Any advice?
My wife rides the train into work every day. Its about a 1 hour commute. This past spring she started mentioning a friend on the train and shared some flirtatious comments they shared. I joked about her new boyfriend a couple of times and she said she could never be interested in him because he is so ugly. She works part time so they only see each other in the morning.
At the beginning of the month she lost her cell phone for about a week. We were concerned that it may have gotten stolen so I logged on to the providers website and reviewed usage. There I notice a number of texts between her and a number that I later found out was her train friend. Most of the texts were first thing and I could understand that to be them just trying to find each other on the train in the morning. However, several were in the evenings and some of them were clustered around the time I am away for military duty (Navy Reserves). I broke down one night and checked her texts but that period was already off her phone. The only texts were mundane hey which car are you in, texts. One was flirtatious.
About a week ago while I was trying to be intimate with her, she was uninterested and wooden. Our intimacy had dropped off since we had kids and has been strained but this seemed different. I asked her if she even found me attractive anymore and she said no. She professes to love me and says that our relationship has reached a stage where I am like a comfortable well-worn sweatshirt that she can wrap herself in. However, the few times we have been intimate she has introduced new techniques. She has never been adventurous in bed.
We have been married for 14 years and I never once considered that my wife might be cheating on me, but I am suddenly suspicious. There are no frequent phone calls and no unexplained time. We are so busy there is barely time for us to breathe much less have an affair. Oddly, the phone when she lost it was at the bottom of her make-up bag, which she doesnt use often. I also realized this morning that she hasnt been taking anything in to work for lunch and there has not been any charges or money pulled.
Im hoping Im just being paranoid, but I cannot shake this and it is consuming me.
My wife rides the train into work every day. Its about a 1 hour commute. This past spring she started mentioning a friend on the train and shared some flirtatious comments they shared. I joked about her new boyfriend a couple of times and she said she could never be interested in him because he is so ugly. She works part time so they only see each other in the morning.
At the beginning of the month she lost her cell phone for about a week. We were concerned that it may have gotten stolen so I logged on to the providers website and reviewed usage. There I notice a number of texts between her and a number that I later found out was her train friend. Most of the texts were first thing and I could understand that to be them just trying to find each other on the train in the morning. However, several were in the evenings and some of them were clustered around the time I am away for military duty (Navy Reserves). I broke down one night and checked her texts but that period was already off her phone. The only texts were mundane hey which car are you in, texts. One was flirtatious.
About a week ago while I was trying to be intimate with her, she was uninterested and wooden. Our intimacy had dropped off since we had kids and has been strained but this seemed different. I asked her if she even found me attractive anymore and she said no. She professes to love me and says that our relationship has reached a stage where I am like a comfortable well-worn sweatshirt that she can wrap herself in. However, the few times we have been intimate she has introduced new techniques. She has never been adventurous in bed.
We have been married for 14 years and I never once considered that my wife might be cheating on me, but I am suddenly suspicious. There are no frequent phone calls and no unexplained time. We are so busy there is barely time for us to breathe much less have an affair. Oddly, the phone when she lost it was at the bottom of her make-up bag, which she doesnt use often. I also realized this morning that she hasnt been taking anything in to work for lunch and there has not been any charges or money pulled.
Im hoping Im just being paranoid, but I cannot shake this and it is consuming me.
In my situation, after I found out about the affair (dday) I was so appalled. Because although I had teased him about this woman being his little girlfriend, I never actually thought he would do that. Especially because she was 22 years younger, had multiple piercings, and dyed green hair. My now ex was pretty conservative. But yet, part of me must have known as I had teased him about this young skank being his girlfriend- and she was. ughh. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.
The fact that she isn't bringing lunch makes me think they are meeting for lunch. That's what my H did. They'd go to her house during lunch and have sex.
You need to investigate further...maybe follow her or have someone follow her. Can you afford a private investigator? If so, they'll probably catch her fairly quickly. You can also get a keylogger to record her text messages and any activity on your home computer. Sorry that you are going through this.
Eventually there were time gaps and "Oh I just have to drop off this paperwork, I'll be back in an hour..." (5 hours later....) among other suspicious telltale signs. However, in the beginning, there wasn't enough "proof" just a gut feeling that things weren't right.
I knew there had been some "strange" phone and Facebook activity, but it wasn't anything huge. My gut kept saying, "Nah, this isn't right..." but I confronted my husband about it and his reassuring response was, "Nono, it's not like that. She's just someone from work."
With whom he was having an affair.
I'm not saying your wife IS - but I'm saying she *could* - any of us could, no matter how strongly we're convinced we wouldn't/couldn't. Introduce just the right (wrong) mix of people and circumstances and... well, ya just don't know what would happen.
A word of caution: snooping around may bring up evidence, but you can't unsee what you find. If you're not prepared to have whatever you find permanently burned in your mind, you might start with working on your relationship full force. Insist that things aren't right and that you'd like to make them better. Even if she's not having an affair, she's openly flirting with someone else - and "wooden" with you - that doesn't seem healthy.
Knowing is much better than sticking your head in the sand and getting blindsided. I just wish I hadn't found out *quite* as much as I did.
Where theres a will theres a way.
And who in the hell would tell their partner they no longer find them attractive-say's alot about her!
Sending you support!
So when the flirting quickly turned to sex chatting, she didn't tell me. And then she found herself wanting to have sex with him, even though she was fighting that, and as far as full intercourse, she almost gave in but avoided it at the last moment. Yet, she did end up giving him a blow job once before he left town.
Once he left, I thought it was over. She would get over him and life would return to normal. I was wrong. He'd fired up a desire in her for other men to flirt and sex chat with, that she ended up seeking them out, still feeling the whole things was a game, a game that made her feel good. But I was obvlivious to all that until I too looked at the phone bill several months later and noticed she'd sent pictures to email addresses with guys I didn't know, name on them. Which led me to putting on a keylogger since she was on the computer a lot, and I discovered she'd been having a full-fledged affair under my nose for over six weeks with a local guy.
Everything you've mentioned pretty much happened to me, and I have wished since discovering all this that I had not doubted my concerns and taken stronger actions to confront her about it. If I had found sex chat text on her phone, it might have brought the whole thing to a halt then. Who knows the what ifs, but this has cheating, or at least the beginning of an affair written all over it.
As mentioned, don't play your hand until you have the facts, but do whatever you can to find out. I wish I had at the time instead of discovering the gut-wrenching truth several months later.
And if it really is nothing, then your results should show that as well and at least give some peace of mind that it hasn't gone very far.
That said, once you know the score, she needs to quit texting and meeting this guy. It is at least a form of an emotional affair. If she spends more time talking and being with him than you, then there is a big imbalance in the marriage force that needs to be addressed. She finds him exciting, no doubt. And that is the problem. She needs to find you exciting.
And once you find out the extent of it, I would treat this as if she were shacking up with him every night as far as consequences, even if all they've done is text a lot and spend time on the train.
Go to marriage counseling. Read "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs, Her Needs" together (the last one may be very important for your marriage). She will need to become transparent, letting you see her text, any online accounts she has, emails, etc. Then she needs to cut off all contact with this guy. This is at a minimum emotional cheating. Maybe barely beginning if you're lucky. She needs to be focused on getting the excitement back into your marriage, not with another guy.
Good luck.
Hated doing it but I needed the truth. I downloaded it onto my wife's laptop and it recorded every site she visited and every keystroke she entered. I received a full report hourly. It's totally stealth; she had no clue it was there. Since I bought her the laptop I had administrative rights so keep that in mind. You need full access for the install.
I caught her and her boyfriend red-handed; they couldn't deny a thing. They met in June and went to 6 hotels before I busted them.
We were married 23 years at the time with three kids and I never would have believed that my wife was capable of doing something so awful.
Some of it was pretty graphic and sure was tough to read so be forewarned. It will change the way you look at her forever. There's no going back..no way to erase it from your memory.
Good Luck
but the change in the bedroom.....
seems very suspicious to me!
And I am sorry that she was so cold and crass to say that she doesn't find you attractive anymore! That hurt like hell a lot, I'm sure. Many of us have either heard that one, or that they don't feel in love with us anymore, but still love us! What a crock!