Hi. The pain caused by infidelity sure is the most painful I’ve ever experienced. One day you’re happy thinking everything is great, life is finally going the direction you’ve prayed and worked hard for so long then boom - when my H infidelity came to light, it rocked my world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I had no energy to do anything, not even talk. And like your friend, I couldn’t even enjoy listening to music.

It’s been almost 3 months for me now since dday and just a week ago, I noticed I’m starting to eat and enjoy music again.

In my situation though my H is putting in a lot of work and effort to try mend our marriage. He’s determined to save our marriage. Still he hasn’t taken responsibility of why the A happened, he keeps putting the blame on the OW - maybe I hope with our counseling he will realise (I think he’s in denial) that it was his mistake too.

I don’t know your friends situation though, is her H working on the marriage with her? Are they both going on counseling? Is he trying to put effort to make things right? From what I’ve watched/read about this topic of infidelity - it’s hard to move forward/save the marriage if both H and W aren’t on the same page.

I hope your friend gets the help/support she needs. The pain of infidelity is so great I would not wish it on anyone, even my worst enemy.

Thank you for being a good friend to her, especially in her time of need.

I think the best thing you could do is let her feel what she needs to feel, in her own time. Be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.

Everyone processes grief/infidelity differently. Even though you might think she "should" be feeling this way or that way, doesn't mean she is You. She has her own way of dealing with this trauma.

Just be there for her, let her vent without judgement, maybe try to arrange some fun things the two of you can go out and do. Such as a lunch, shopping, a movie... just something fun for the two of you friends to do.

How she is reacting now might not be the same way you would react. And that's okay! Depending on her, and the circumstances of the affair, it could take several years to go through the many stages of grief and betrayal.

And the fact that she saw them?!?! That must have been traumatizing. I imagine she is feeling *numb* and in shock still.

Give her time....

I agree she is in shock, a very traumatic experience for sure.

I have heard that anger is actually a masking emotion, meaning we feel anger which masks something else that is more difficult to deal with. Her goal right now is to stay in the marriage and she has to figure out a way to do that emotionally. I did the same, and it took me years to realize my soul was dying with that marriage due to how bad husband was, how narcissistic and uncaring he really was. I put up and stuffed my true feelings. It sounds like she may be depressed, naturally, who wouldn't be. She may be telling herself she is not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough so her man strayed. She may not see this is a problem in her man, not her. If she speaks about what her husband says to her, like if she says he says it was her fault for not giving him enough sex, as an example, you could gently refute this by saying reality words to her but always gently and kindly and not push. I might say to someone that this is not their fault, for example, and its not about what the other spouse did or didn't do, that is an excuse by the cheating spouse to not take responsibility for their own actions and is a lack of empathy to her pain. Do not criticize him as it sounds like she can't hear that now. Because for whatever reason, she needs to stay in that marriage. So how can you help her stay in that marriage by supporting how she feels. The only way to move forward healthily is for both spouses to deal with it and both acknowledge what is or is not their responsibility. I am guessing your friend feels guilt, shame, embarrassment, and depression. Since she has decided to stay with the marriage, she is likely stuffing down a lot of her emotions unless you know the couple is getting good joint counseling with accountability. If nothing changes within the marriage, within the husband's thinking, then the wife often has to stuff her feelings and pretend nothing is wrong. If you can consider that maybe she is stuffing and pretending which causes depression many times, maybe there is a gentle way to tell her she has value and worth and choices. She may be blaming herself. She also has to acknowledge how she feels. So maybe you could ask her how she is feeling and don't accept a "fine" - maybe you could say something gentle and kind about how you see her sad eyes and you think she maybe is feeling (fill in the blank). Most humans don't talk about feelings, we stuff them down and ignore them.

The belief that grief has “stages” is a fallacy. There may be classic emotions/behaviors that people experience when grieving, but that doesn’t mean we have certain boxes we have to tick off to get through it. Recovering from infidelity is a very personal journal and everyone needs to do it in their own way and in their own time. I’ve watched people spend decades with a partner that *I* felt wasn’t right for them, but then I’ve also had friends walk away from marriages that most other people would have fought for.

Ultimately, there is no one way. Your friend is lucky to have you, but let her do this her way. It’s OK to be her cheerleader, but if she’s not ready to move out of her sadness, there’s little you can do. It sounds like depression to me, so maybe encourage her to seek counseling or talk to her doctor. If you want to be super underhanded about it, (look, I’m not above being a little shady to get people the help they need), you can always say something like, “if you want to be the best wife you can be and have the best marriage you can have, you need to make sure you’re as healthy as you can be.”

I totally agree with all of you! All great points! I absolutely let her feel how she needs to feel. We had a whole conversation last night on how she is stuck and she hates it. Which is why I put the question out here. They have tried couples counseling she is doing counseling on her own. She has had 3 counselors tell her to walk away. She recognizes that her husband is not giving her what she needs and all he ever says is I’m sorry I love you. She wants him to hate the neighbor as much as she does but he never says anything bad about her…he never says anything bad about anyone. So to her the I’m sorry and I love you doesn’t hold a lot of weight when she doesn’t feel like he is doing anything to change or to back her up. I would never ever insult him or tell her she needs to leave because I’m not in her shoes and life isn’t a one size fits all. I desperately wish there was something…anything that would make a light come on so she can say THIS is my path! But it hasn’t come. And here is something I would never ask or say out loud. I think if it wasn’t for her 3 kids she would end it. I think inside that may be what she wants but isn’t ready to confront that feeling. Sigh…I need to ask about depression meds. Maybe suggest she talk to her therapist about that. You all are great!