This is a tough situation. I am sorry you are going through this.

Did your partner say why they had the one night stand? And, why did they tell you later?

How was your relationship before that happened?

Are you sure it was only the one time? Do they go out with their friends to bars or anything like that, have you caught them in any lies about anything else, etc?

Maybe you could give us a little more background information about you two, so that we can support you better.

It says you are 25 years old, how old is your partner? Is this you guys' first real relationship?

I am sorry you've had this distressing situation happen. Both of you are fairly young and it could be that each is changing in a way that pushes you apart. Age 25 is about when the brain is finished developing and before that time, people often make stupid decisions. I say this because sometimes the relationships in our early adulthood die because we each grow into different people than when the relationship started. Just natural maturation.

The partner cheating is not about you as you, it is about them and their choices and character. Sometimes we feel rejection or they blame us for doing X or Y so they felt okay to cheat. I had a boyfriend once whom I loved so deeply but he was so insecure he felt it was okay to cheat on me. My gut instinct was to end things because I finally saw his lack of integrity and good character. But I stayed and eventually felt so distant inside, so hurt, that I broke up. I just couldn't trust him any long so I couldn't relax and enjoy being with him. We have to honor our own self worth and value.

Things are up and down in what way?

You get to decide when you feel it in your heart, soul, mind or "gut". Don't try to go along to hang on to this partner. Time apart can be good for two people at your age.

I'm going to suggest you sit down with pen to paper and make two columns. One for reasons to stay and one for reasons to go ahead and end the relationship. List them out without judgement or any blame. You have to know how you feel, so I'd suggest a third paper to write out all your feelings. Name them. Don't judge them just name them. Sit and think about those feelings. Often we bottle up our feelings because we are afraid to be alone or end it with this person. Sometimes relationships run their course and sometimes people cheat to create that ending.

When you know more how exactly you feel, then you will have more clarity and some of your answers.

For some more information - we are 27. He has always been faithful and not lied before this (that I know of). He told me because he felt like it was weighing on him around our relationship - he acted differently for a few month and I thought it was MH related which is was but obviously the reasoning was unknown at the time. It is my first real relationship but he has been in one before but never cheated before.

When I say things are up and down we are both so unsure about our future and how we feel. I am so committed one minute and the next I can’t think about being romantically involved with him because of what he did.

We had conversations over the last few days and have decided to break up but how do I know if that is the right choice? I’m honestly just so confused.

I’ll try the paper list tomorrow, thanks for the tip!

My apologies, your page said 25.

I think that if both of you feel like the future is too cloudy and should break up with each other, then go with that. Give it time apart. It is no good doing the self torture of the up and down.

You have to do a deep dive into your feelings to know what is the right choice. But the main thing is he wants to break up. Listen to what he is saying and accept that this is his true feelings. Just one wanting to break up is enough. Maybe after you do the list thing, work towards what is called radical acceptance of the end of this relationship.

And take it one day at a time. Feel how you feel. Work on your healing. One day at a time. Don't project about the future.

I know this is a hard time but you are probably better served by time apart and not trying to hang onto a guy who is wishy washy about the relationship and cheated. Not to be ugly towards him but to honor your own value and worth and look at things with clarity.

What does MH mean?

What is so hard about relationships is it only takes one of the two people to decide they are done and want out. It just isn't fair! I have been there, believe me. It can be so heartbreaking.

Best to just go with it. Can't force anyone to stay with us. Start now with No Contact (look for some good and helpful videos on YouTube about how to do "No Contact In Breakups"). These videos are really helpful and help to get through this.

Start thinking about what you now want to do in your life. Things you couldn't do because of him. Things you wanted to do but he couldn't or didn't want you to. The future will be good for you, whether he is part of it or not.

Try your best to have zero contact, for awhile at least. Now is the time to clear your head and get your thoughts together. You're going to be okay!

Once someone has deliberately hurt you like this it's not only statistics that say it won't work it's my and other people with the same experience that agree that once this trust is broken you will never trust or love him or her the same. Your partner dishonored you and time will only make you hurt more and that pain will turn into resentment. When you said , should I let this once incident define our whole relationship I have this to say, He defined your whole relationship with this one decision. He made a choice to be intimate with someone else, no matter his excuses. That's huge !
I know exactly what you are feeling. How do you throw away all those memories and love you built together ??? It's so heart wrenching. You have to remember that he threw it all away with his selfish choice.
You can let this drag on and on and it can land up taking yo to a very dark place. Or you can let go and go through some hard times , go to counceling because yo will need it. Be patient and find a coucelor that you feel is realy listening. If the first one or two don't work for you try another. You need to let go .