I'm sorry you are going through this.

The problem is you don't know what the truth is. Is this really the only time he has looked on hook up apps? And if it was really just from the fight you two had, why wouldn't he just talk to you, why is he looking somewhere else for sex texts? Are there other hook up apps he is on now?

A husband should turn toward his wife, not turn away from his wife.

You need to do some thinking. Have there been any other signs, "red flags", that he may have cheated in the past? Unexplained whereabouts, him going out "with his friends" that didn't sound right, any strange late night phone calls, him coming home late... etc.

You could do marriage counseling. Find out why he would even think to do such a thing that would destroy your marriage.

And he was just never going to tell you? You had to find it by accident? The lying, the deception, the double life... all things you could address in counseling. But think back to if there are other signs that he may be keeping things from you.

Sometimes.... when a couple gets together very young, such as you two did, one or both wonder what else is out there, what have they missed out on, what other people are out there. They think the grass is greener somewhere else.

No matter what happens, you will be okay. This isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. He made a choice to do this. You had nothing to do with this happening.

Hi in the research that I've been doing to recover from infidelity a lot of qualified professionals say that you do need to have the truth and that would probably be best done in the presence of a therapist so the anger doesn't turn to venom and make the situation worse.

Like is he still at the denial stage or is he at the part where he is actually sorry and offers a sincere I acknowledgment that he wants to make it work.

And on your part it would be a good idea to seek therapy of your own because even if you guys are gonna wantna make it work it's not something that either of you can probably stand talking about every minute of every day even though you want him to fess up you know what I'm saying.

My fiance of 3 years, I discovered his affair last week and I've been really struggling it happened a year ago and like you I was completely shocked but here we are.

The 1st couple of days he just wanted to forget it ever happened and and we don't have kids so it was easier for me I was just gonna pack up and leave but he convinced me finally that he was remorseful and would do everything to make it work.

So I am in possession of John gottman's book what makes love last and we each have a copy although he hasn't started reading his yet... He does work 7 days a week about 14 hours A-day.
(You can find it at your library or on kindle for a good price, I bought ours online)

I think he started working so much after the affair so he wouldn't have to face me but then I started picking up More shifts so now I work about 70 hours a week 7 days week because I was tired of being home alone literally waiting for my price charming that turned out not to be. Oof.

It's sunfortunate that we don't have a lot of time to spend together but maybe it is fortunate that we are keeping busy I don't know I'm just trying to find the silver lining at this point.

Sorry sort of got off on my own but experience strength and hope. Good luck and seek help, it helps.

So as far as red flag I didn't see them then. But now looking back i realize when he went to the bathroom he always took his phone and he was in there forever. Or when I would ask to use his phone to check the weather if my was dead he would break his neck to look over to check and see what I was doing. And the last thing is he gets a 30 min lunch break and he always calls me on it but recently the last couple months he barely called me at all and if he did he talked for 2 min and rushed off. I guess he wanted to have plenty of time to send disgusting texts to these women.

Yes, we were literally on our way home from my birthday dinner (thank god the kids weren't with us) and I grabbed his phone to change the Spotify song, hit the wrong button which ended up showing open tabs, and bam....there it was! I only read a couple sentences but I immediately knew what it was and my heart exploded. I started crying and said to him what's this. He said "F**"" .... He knew he had been caught. Then I said take me home. When we got home he was very defensive and basically blaming on me. Saying it started because of a fight we had and that I wasn't giving him what he needed. I left. I went to my friends house for a few hours. The only reason I came back was because he had gone to pick up the kids from my in laws and the next day was the first day of school. When I got home he was sitting in the living room. I didn't say a word to him I just went to bed.

Since this happened almost 4 days ago and after that first defensive night he has just been crying, very apologetic, he claims he has told me everything, he claims he deactivated his account on telegram & deleted the app. But again.... How can I ever trust him again?

Well, blaming you is him just being a big coward. You had nothing to do with any of this! He is the one that made the choice to go looking for - something. He is wrong on all accounts. You did absolutely nothing to cause any of this.

Since he is so apologetic and sorry now, how do YOU feel about the two of you going to marriage counseling? Is that something that you would want to do?

what is a telegram app ? and is it free , other Apps i checked gotta pay for ..love to find something to show her history on the location of her phone , even as far as 8 yrs

I have 2 best friends. 1 I showed up that night on her doorstep crying my eyes out and even though it wasn't my fault I was so embarrassed. So embarrassed that I was in this situation after 14 years together. My other best friend who also works at the same place I work at knew something wasn't ok with me. My eyes were so swollen from crying I couldn't even get my contacts in. I finally told her as well but again for some reason felt so embarrassed. And these 2 people I normally would be able to tell anything to.... The point of all of that is I have no idea how I could sit down and talk to a complete stranger, a counselor or a therapist, about this. I guess it's easy to type it out to you all because it's all online. Have you all been to therapy? Have you ever felt the same?

I had never heard of the telegram app until this. From the research I have done it's like a private chat app that can be used for normal chatting. My husband just decided to use it to be a scum bag. Not sure how long the history stays or anything like that.

You getting individual counseling will help. Will he go to marriage counseling?

The trust has been broken and it will take a long time to build that trust back from him. Don't expect it to happen overnight. He will have to work like crazy to earn your trust back. This is not something that is easy to come back from. He needs to be 100% serious and dedicated to do anything it takes to earn your love and trust back. He has to do all the hard and constant work that he needs to do. To find out why he did this to begin with, to make you feel safe and secure again, to fix everything that he broke in this marriage. This is all on him now.

I hope you won't feel embarrassed. You did nothing wrong. Is it the embarrassment that you picked this kind of guy? I am not sure what it is you are feeling embarrassed about?

I guess I'm just embarrassed that I had so much trust and faith in him and then he did this. Like in our friends group when cheating would come up like whether it be a celebrity or someone that we knew I always said I am glad I know I never have to worry about that! And I guess now I just feel like I got played if that makes any sense.

It makes a lot of sense. Feeling embarrassed, even ashamed. My story, which I haven't had the balls to talk about, is similar. My response to it is very much like yours. I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of what she did- some of this is our wounded pride I admit. In the end, though, we have to realize that no one held a gun to their head and forced them to do anything. It was a choice.

I think it's okay for you to feel embarrassed and feel duped. If you suspected nothing, and all of this just sprung up from a single fight- then that in itself might be a red flag. I would make him earn your trust back and hopefully he will put the work into doing that to show you he's serious.

People, even good people, make mistakes and do the irrational. Sometimes we cant understand it because we aren't in their moment. To me, it's like a white canvass with a small red dot on the side. You don't really notice it all the time, but you always know it's there. When you think about it, you look over at it and see how ugly it is. He needs to work every day to remove that stain.

Yes!!! DyslexicBeast that's exactly how I feel! Duped! And to be honest the first couple of days I thought I was just going to be done! Leave and be done! But then even though he did this horrible thing to our family I couldn't get around the idea that If I didn't try to work it through that I would be breaking up our family. Hurting our children. And so now I guess we are trying to work it out. He is in the "nice, paying attention to me and the kids, picking up the house, being thoughtful" stage and I am in the stage that whenever I see him with his phone I want to vomit. And my mind never stops spinning. I constantly think is he still doing those things? Did he do other things that I still don't know about? Does he really want to be with me or is he just saying so because of the kids? How long will this mister nice guy go on for before he just goes back to sneaking around? Like my mind never stops and it's exhausting!!!!!!!

Be patient and kind to YOU. This happened less than 2 weeks ago. That you found out. You are in the thick of things right now, with your emotions going everywhere. This is all normal. You are going through a lot of thinking, emotions, love, hate, confusion, wondering, etc. Practice self care and nurture yourself during this difficult time. Some say being cheated on is a trauma to the person that was cheated on. Make sure you are taking good care of YOU.

It helps to write in a journal. Write write write. Anything and everything you want. No one has to see it. It helps to get the feelings out.

Keep talking to your therapist about this, and also to your girt friends.

Also, he must get into therapy. Has he made an appointment to go?