i think I just give up.  What I did was terrible.  I did cheat.  I was black out drunk.  I think I was in some kind of altered mental state, due to one of many things.

i had been asking for help for many years, from a woman too selfish to hear

a woman whose many emotional affairs and intended affairs I had forgiven, as best as one can. What I did, I did without intent and impaired.  All her indiscretions being intentional.

she is without empathy or forgiveness.  Maybe I don’t deserve it.

despit the flaws in our relationship I have always loved her.  Maybe I just want what I can’t have now.

i am making big changes to my life.  I don’t think it’s going to enough.  She has always been very controlling and cold.  Everything having to be her way.  She seems unable to accept any part of the sequence of events.  

I had been asking her for help for many many years with our children.  I had been living on the barest shred of intimacy for nearly a decade.  I had tried to explore these issues with her oh so many times.

but she just froze me out.  Only ever doing as she pleases.

i see now that I was going to make a mistake.

i do love her.  Desperately.  I want to put things back together, better than they were before.  More communication, a sex life where I am not restricted to her minimul requirements, twice a year.

Truth is I felt sexually inadequate.  She has desired other men, being in inappropriate relationships with them and never did anything to help me move past it.  Just shutting down and saying sorry.  I always always felt second best.  As though I was not a priority.

i really with I had a time machine or a shotgun