I guess if both you and your husband have full disclosure and agree on an open marriage, are honest to potential partners, practice safe sex, and can somehow protect your child from potential fallout, then knock yourself out. It ain't my cup of tea and I would be concerned, most of all, at f-ing with my child's head, but that's me. I am sure there are other people who feel the same as you do. You probably wont find many here.

Sparkle, I'm new here but my marriage was like yours for about 5 years. I'm an ex-military, retired law enforcement officer who is about to turn 50 now. When I was about 45, my testosterone level dropped way down, and so did my sex drive and interest in personal relationships. I could have sex about twice a month and although it was longer than yours (about 30-45 minutes) it was not enough for my wife with a high libido.

I went to several doctors and eventhough my T was much lower than it used to be, it fell into the low end of the normal range and no one would work with me on TRT. Viagra worked for a little while (erection wise) but did nothing for my libido. Then the Viagra stopped working so I moved on to injections. They didn't work after the 3rd or 4th time.

My wife started treating me like crap, and would get angry when I tried to have sex but failed. It was embarrassing, I couldn't get medical help and didn't know what to do. I shut down emotionally and physically. I avoided sex and talk of sex. This protected my feelings.

We had the talk where she asked permission to go outside of the marriage, and that just doesn't work with an Alpha type, ex-military, retired cop type. It was out of the question. My wife had become angry with me and bitching at me VERY disrespectfully several times a day. I lost respect for myself and the kids lost respect for me and treated me just as bad as she did. I just shut completely down.

Finally, I learned about penile implants and decided to get one. I had the procedure and bang, all my parts work when I want them too. Just knowing that I can perform gave me confidence and guess what? My T levels started to rise on there own. Who knows why, but my libido was back.

Then I learned by accident that my wife had been cheating on me for 5 years. It crushed me. I actually caught her 1 week before I was about to get the implant. Why couldn't she work with me? Why would you still be doing this when you know the problem is about to be solved? Why? Why? Why? Damn this hurts!

During our time of little to no sex, I offered oral but she refused, I offered manual and toys but she refused. She said she only wanted real penetration from a real penis. Well, she sneeked out and got it on a regular basis while I was working my ass off to support her and the 4 step kids I have.

She is happy now with our sex life since the implant but I'm an emotional wreck. I'm depressed, hurt and un-trusting of her. I'm now seeing a therapist because of her infidelity. There is a good chance I'm going to divorce her because of this. I can't seem to get past the hurt, and I don't have much respect for her at all now. She didn't stick by me in my time of need or help me find a solution. She selfishly went out and betrayed me, having unprotected sex with local men she met on an adult web site (AFF).

I lost my job (couldn't concentrate) and have become DEEPLY hurt and depressed. At first I considered suicide but came to my senses. I even considered having an affair just to hurt her back and rub her nose in it and divorce her, so I found someone myself online. My therapist talked me out of that so I ended the potential OW contact.

She says she's not going to cheat again, but she's also not going to discuss it anymore. She's come to terms within herself and SHE can live with her actions. How the HELL does that help me get through this?

Do you really want to hurt someone you love like this just so you can get get some D...? Come on? Are you kidding? It's not worth it if you love him! Get some professional help so that he will quit withdrawing to avoid the problem.

He needs some prodding and some ego support. You both need help. If you don't want to put some effort into fixing the problem, then at least have the respect and decency to divorce the man! Don't strip what's left of his dignity! That's all this will do...

You will find that 30-45 minutes worth of strange D is not the answer to your marital problems. It may scratch the itch for now, but in the end you will disconnect from your husband even more and ruin any chance of a happy outcome for the present marriage.

Here the kicker....Just the thought of my hubby having sex with someone else would send me over the edge. I want to have sex with other people because hubby isn't trying to help our relationship...If he came to me and said he wanted an open marriage...without ATTEMPTING to fix the issues in this clsoed marriage...I'd wouldn't handle it well

Titan said, "If you don't want to put some effort into fixing the problem, then at least have the respect and decency to divorce the man! Don't strip what's left of his dignity! That's all this will do... "

The above is powerful.

While reading your posts, I feel as if you're seeking validation to go have your fling.

"Leaving my marriage just because our sex life isnt good is rediculous."

Well, this is not what you have presented here. You have described your H as an "emotional cripple" who has basically abandoned you emotionally for the computer and video games. That's not just a bad sex life.

I agree with mommy425. What are you looking for here? If we're not helping, we need to know.

No not at all. I do not want he A. I would like to work this issue out.

This has been the best 10 hour therapy session. I do not want the A and I hope no one will encorage it either. I'm going to have to keep trying to get my sexual needs met. I consciouly realize that an A...is not the answer. What got me was the post about strippin his dignity. My husband is very proudful...i guess this may be a scarifice I will have to make. Taking is Dignity is like taking his soul....That i can not do......OK I GOT IT!!!! Now I am in tears. I just love and need him so much. I'm gonna have to keep talking, praying and pleading and maybe just be satified with sex once a month for 10 minutes.

In the meantime...I will volunteer more...take my son on more trips and spend more quality time with friends and family.

I kind of get mixed messages from your words. On the one hand, you want your marriage to work and crave intimacy (both physical and emotional). Yet, as others have pointed out, it seems as though you want someone to tell you that an affair is ok under the circumstances. You describe your husband as great in one post and terrible in the next. Best friend and emotional cripple vs. your neediness and controlling.

You sound confused. Confusion itself is not a crime against humanity or an offense to your marriage (yet). Time for some serious soul searching. I really hope you seek legit help in sorting out your confusion.

Ttian61...THANK YOU SO SO MUCHHHHH> I have been crying non stop since I read your post. You and hubby are the same...ex military...25 years in law enforcement...and you both love your wife. You articulated so well what my husband couldn't!!!!! I GET IT>>>>OH BOY DO I GET IT!!! I'm so sorry your wife didn't stick by you. You didn't deserve that treatment and neither does my husbnd. I will stick by him...horney as hell...but I will stick by him. I'm going to print ouy your post and show it to my husband along with a heartfelt hand written letter of support. I'm sorry your marriage didnt work but you REALLY REALLY REALLY HELPED ME> I started this post this morning at about 8am and here it is 6pm....You were the finally hitter and hit a GRAND SLAM home run..I GOT IT!!!!! andyou did it for me.

I struggled so long.... lonely and confused... wanting love, attention and affection and al I got was resistance and withdrawl. Now...i don't think my husband will go to the extremes that you did but I'll keep trying to talk him into it. I'll start with that blood test hormone level. Our marriage is the parent/child type he gives and does anything I ask him to do especially if it is in both of our best interest.

I'm going to name my next plant Titian...Right after you :)

Forgot to add. No more feelings for affairs for me. This was the first post by a man and it such a coincidance that he was about the same age as hubby...both military, both Law enforcement, God's intervention at it's best:)...I feel happy and hopeful...Thanks again Tee

Sparkle, My marriage isn't over by a long shot... It's just a struggle, and somewhat in peril because of my hurt. I will fix it one way or the other, but not by hurting my wife or lowering my moral standards as she did. I don't want to (anymore) put her through what she did to me. I love her that much. Our relationship is much like yours... She asks, I give...

I'm glad my crappy situation has actually help someone. Good luck, and BTW, Titan is the name of my penile implant that was made by a company called Coloplast.

His solution may not need be so radical, but even if it is, he will have to acknowledge the situation and mentally resolve to find a solution. You can help, but don't push. It takes time to accept this, and he will beat himself up mentally in the process, you don't need to add to it, you need to help his ego (read self-esteem) while this is going on. Once that's done, the battle is almost over.

Words can not express what you have done for me. I was in so much pain and wanted affection from my husabnd. My desperation over rid my logic. You hit it on the nail with that dignity thing. I will pray for your family. The suggestion of going outside my marriage was kinda like taking a drink knowing you are an alcoholic. You are in so much pain and so confused that you look for a short term fix that WILL lead to life long consequences. Thanks again. Coming to Daily Strenght really helped me.

Do not have an affair. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I wish my wife had done what I am going to tell you. Be very direct with your wants, desires, and needs. Men don't get hints. When he is watching tv, get right in his face and tell him exactly what you want. Discuss you sexual desires. Tell him directly if he doesnt act on it, you will go somewhere else for it and you are not joking. I wish to God my wife had done this. He may not be really hearing you. Make it crystal clear......please....don't think of having an affair. My life has been ruined from my wife's.

Sparkie..., I'm glad to hear that something someone said struck THE nerve in you that needed to be struck. What I hope for you is that you remember your words not just today, not just tomorrow, but for many many moons to come.

And if you do ever forget this day and find yourself on the cusp of going astray on your H, I hope you think not just what you'll be doing to your H by having an A, but what you'll be doing to yourself. You'll NEVER feel rewarded for living a lie like this. The aftermath is way more ruinous to your life than the current lack of sex you're having now. Way, way more.

A clear conscience may not grant you a perfect life, but a guilty conscience will surely grant you an imperfect one.

TheRule

Kristen on reply #5 may have hit on the problem. She mentioned porn as a problem Reading your description of how he responds to sex, or not, and intimacy issues, fits the description of a porn addict. Porn addicts often get where they are disinterested in real sex. They often lose desire for their mate. They often progress into sexting, vidocams and even worse. Does he watch it? If he does that may well be the problem. And that...is a tough one.

NO ONE IS FORCED TO CHEAT!!

I was a CS, and though there were reasons I sought an EA, they were wrong ones. I was at the point where I thought my marriage was unbearable. Since she showed no desire to change, I should've filed for separation then, and if that didn't motivate her to change, looked for a divorce on amicable grounds. Instead, after the A, all I have done is deeply hurt both my W *and* the OW, and now we've got all that do deal with as well. DON'T DO IT!!!!

If your marriage has really gotten that bad, you'rew better off to get an amicable divorce, live nearby, and stay friends while you pursue a new relationship. An affair (even *with* his permission) will do NOTHING to fix your relationship. Good luck!

PNSC