Imdealing...I like that answer..I think I'm going to try this. Not that I will eventually cheat but the ball will be in his court to either face the issue and help us or give me permission to have my sexual needs fulfilled else where with the danger of me becoming emotionally connected with someone else which will affect our relationship...Thank you..This was the advice I was looking for:)

Blindside...typos im 44 he 54

Wow. Maybe it's just me being grumpy today, but I read your last comment as basically telling your husband "put up or shut up". Put out or I'm going to f*** around on you. Beware of ultimatums, they can backfire. It seems as though you view yourself as being the only one in your relationship pulling the strings and making the decisions. Please be aware that, though you may eventually choose to have an affair while remaining married, that your husband may tell you to go fly a kite. Are you baiting him to make a move that you are too afraid to make ?

appollinaire....Terrible husband in the sense that there is no intimacy, sex is bad, doesnt aknowledge valentines day birthdays or mothers day. On time I told him that mothers day was coming up and i would really like something from him. I reminded him 2 days before and the day before. On mothers da at about 6:00 after he saw me moping all day, he goes out, comes home ad gives me a walmart bag with an unsigned card...with th receipt still in th bag..I neer put myself in the position to be hurt like that again. I tried to discuss it (sex, expectations) with him and he shut down. He is my best friend in terms that he helps with the houe...good conversation...we both like roller coasters and he fun to be with...But the sex is short and unfulling. If my husband came to me and had a issue about something...I wouldnt do nothing..I would try to find out where the feeling is coming from. When i bring up sex...I get one word answers, no dialogue he just shuts dwn. he just doesnt see it a a big deal

I can imagine that you are starving for affection under the circumstances you describe. Shutting down to protect yourself and seeking that rapport elsewhere will, most likely, end poorly for everyone. REALLY poorly! It's not the best way for you to cope with the neglect you have described. Would you consider talking to a counsellor in order to help you figure out the healthiest next-step for yourself?

Let me say CHEATING is unacceptable on any level. I know you say you are sure he is not having an "A". I would have never though my H would have an "A" but he did. You sound like you have the same life I have been living except my H was a drinker (now in AA) when we did have sex I was lucky it was 10mim due to the drinking. He also was not very good at remembering dates like birthdays ect. and there was no talking or handling things I did all of that. But not once did I think of Cheating you just have to dig down deep inside youself and try to find a way to deal you life. I did that for almost all of my marriage because this was the person I LOVE and have children with and when he was not drinking he was nice. Neadless to day I had no idea that I would find out he as haveing an A for the last 10+ years. So please look deeper and make it is not he who is cheating. Please read some of the posting and see the hurt everyone here is feeling after finding out about their spouces A. Just know that I am not judging you for what you are think as that is not my place.

Saw a therapist in the past that encouraged me to focus on whats working, be appreciative of whats working at the same time to explore other ways to connect with H that are not focused mainly on sex. You are right...it is the affection seeking, the need for approval and validation. But at the sam time...I recogniz that sex IS important to me. I put more into my work that keeps me busy and i do alot of family outing with my son and friends. Therefoe, I try to limited my time at home. I'm no sex addict or nothing like that...I just want a sexually satifying expierence that isnot being fulfilled by my husband and he refuses to take steps to make this part of our relationship better. Not an ultmauim just being honest..that I need his help and if he is unable to help US, what does he suggust I do,

You had mentioned on another thread that you were thinking about having another affair.

On yet another thread, you mentioned that you were the OW to the man you are married to now (who was married to someone else).

So, let me get this straight.

You were previously married and unhappy with the sex.
You began having an affair with your now present H (who was also having an affair).
You divorced and married your affair partner.
Now.....
You are not satisfied with your present marriage or sex life.
Now you want to have another affair.

Is this correct?
If so, have you considered what your contributions may be to these failed marriages and pursuant affairs?

This may sound stupid...but if I did find out it wa an A, i'd be kinda relieved because now I would know what I was dealing wth. Right now, I have no clue why he wont deal with this problem and he wont communucate with me and he wont go to counseling. Leaving my marriage just because our sex life isnt good is rediculous. What if he was impotent and couldnt have sex...see...i could deal with that..theres a reason....Right now there is no reason why he wont deal with this issue especially since I have verbalized how our sex life has mad me feel

You sound very frustrated at hitting a communicative brick wall with him. (I could be off. It's just how I am interpreting what you say). Your last counsellor gave you some constructive coping mechanisms. That seems not to have resolved the issues for you. That doesn't mean that you have exhausted other healthy options. Resolving one problem by adding another will only compound your problems, not solve them. Lets face it, affairs compromise EVERYONE. My advice would be to give counselling another shot. Kind of like a booster shot. Hopefully, it will help you to find a resolution that will minimize the damage for you, your husband, and child.

hmm, a typo too where you say your son is 14. I'm not the typo police, but frankly it sounds like you are somehow not keeping your story straight. Either way, sounds like you need support, so welcome.

Im 44, Hubby 54 son 14.....

Blindside..just to clearify. Met present hubby (H-2) when we were both legally married to other people (I was the OW)...We divorced our previous spouses( H-1, W-1) and married each other.

Married H-1 right out of HS. There were no sexual issues with previous husband (H-1). I was separated for a number of years from H-1 and legally divorced him (H-1) when I met H-2

My sexual issues that I have are with H-2 present spouse. I have tried may times to go to counseling with him but he won't go. I expressed how I felt about our lack os sex andhe has taken no steps to addresss this issue. The closest i get is...i dont feel like having sex like I use to and I'm not 22

Deep down..I really dont want to have an A. I'm sexually frustrated. My emotional needs arent being met, there is no intimacy, no affection, I have a horrible sex life. i tried to communicate this with my partner and I'm like WTF am I to do?

I never cheated on H-2 and I really dont want to

My contributions to both failed marriages? H-1 was an alcoholic, a mama's boy and a horrible person. Married him only because I was pregnant (this son is 23 and living on his own in another state). Left him because the relationship was becoming abusive and I didnt respect him as a man . Met H-2...everything was good at first. Married, had our son, worked and raised the kid. I guess in the last 3 years, i began to have this "intimacy" discussions with him. I actually felt this way for about 10 years but with working, raising the kid, running a business, sex and intimacy wasn't on the top of my list. Actually...I guess I just never had the nerve to discuss it. Like in said about 3 years ago, we moved to another state and I always had strong feelings for my husband but I felt as if i wasn't getting it in return.

Thinking back. My son entered JHS and now he was able to take cre of himself more and i kinda wanted my hubby more. I hit 40/41 and my feelings for mu hubby started to get stronger and I needed him more. Sexually...i was horney as hell:)...i guess when he was hitting 50, his libedo began to fall. I began to have the discussions about less and less sex and here we are.

I don't consider this a failed marriage. I'm trying to save it. How do you save a sex life that requires 2 people and only one person is working on it.

i challenged myself to think..What do i want out of an A? What will it accomplish? I'm still thinking but one thing for sure passion and hot sex is high on the list. IM SO CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED!!!!!!

From the other post:

".I am now married to him and lonely because he is not emotionally giving or emotionally available. He is an xcellent father and provider but a LOUSY husband. No I love yous, no valentine day, no birthday gifts, no intimacy, sex maybe once per month (that may last 10 minutes)...He prefers the computer and video games. He's 54 Im 44 our son is 14. he (hubby) has no friends,no buddies, no one calls the house for hm. I have to push him to interact with his son and if I don't plan a family vaction,we don't go. I know I am an emotionally needy person and I'm stuck with an emotional cripple. I have MAJOR trust issues a I'm very controlling."

How can a person like this possibly be your best friend? He's completely checked out and involved in another (online) world that doesn't involve you at all. If this is a real post, it sounds like you both have huge issues to address before you even think about working on the marriage.

wait I am still confused on timing and ages then.

Your son is 14 and you are 44.

The problem started when your son entered JHS which was when you were 40/41.

So your son started Junior high when he was 10?

Years ago...I read this book called Matainece Man (MM). It was about how highly successful and sexually frustrated women would pay to have sex with men. thei husbands providd and protected and the MM would pick up where the husband wa slacking. For the women, it was the best of both worlds. Then HBO came out with a series called HUNG about this man and this woman who had a escort service business. He was well "HUNG" and he would provide sexual sevices to high class and successul women.

I cant be too far of from this subject. Maybe I should find a post "are you sexualy frustated in your marriage". Wht do nyou btnk about this post idea nd what cataory wil it go under" maybe woman's health?