Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Sparkie119 04/20/2011

Let me start off by saying that CHEATING IS WRONG !!!!

With that said....I love my H. I find him to be one of the sexiest men on earth. Im 40. he's 50. We are in a sexless marriage. There is no intimacy, no passion, no zest, no life.We have sex maybe once a month. It lasts about 10 minutes no matter who initates it.My H is an emotioal cripple. there are no I love yous, no flowers, no valentines day, birthday and mother'sday are always looked over. I realize that I am an emotionally needy person and I seek approval and validation from others. We are opposites. He likes to sit home..TV, computer, viedo games. He does help out with chores an the upkeep of the house. He does everything I tell/sk him to do. It's like a parent child marriage. I...on the other hand am very passionate, love life,love sex, outdoors, camping, exploring, travelling, doing new things. I feel like an old married couple.

In the beginning (together 15 years 2nd marriage for us both), sex was satisfying and exciting. I put alot into it (purfume, outfits, ego stoking, passion, music etc..). After awhile, I was puttin in all this effort and not getting the "emotional" return. I felt like he was doing me a favor. This all began to change about 10 years ago. Yes...I've been feeling like this this long. All our kids are 15 an older and I gotmore time on my hands.

I have expressed my feeling about the lack of our sex life to him including my fear of having an affair. I have suggested counseling. He wont go. He says hes not 25 any more...i get that...neither am... but some dirty talk,pillow talk, toys, props, and role-play can do a lot for the imagination..Sent him to the doctor he says everything is fine" He says he just doesn't feel like having sex like he use to. I find myself on porn sites, reading erotic material...keeing that passion built up until we do have sex (it last 10 minutes)...What am I to do? Is any one else in a sexless, passionless relationship. I need help before I find myself in a situation being fulfilled by some Fabio look alike who is going to give me some great memories :)

PS...Divorce and leaving is OUT of the question.I love him too much.We are the best of friends. Beses our sex life, everything is great. Is this the rest of my life ? I'm only 40. I really DONT want to cheat and I hate emotionless sex (did that in my early 20's). Any suggesions?

deleted_user 04/20/2011

My marriage was like this but he was cheating, that's why he wasn't interested in sex with me. Didn't you say your relationship started as an affair? Maybe he's having another one...

znzsmom 04/20/2011

Oy, this is a tough one. I don't know how I'd live in a marriage like this either, but infidelity is most certainly not the answer. It sounds to me that there is a deeper problem than sex. You said it was emotionless and that your H is an "emotional cripple". Obviously, the problem is with your H. Actually, the problem is that he doesn't want to address his problem. You said you love him and you two are best friends other than the sex. In the times when you are just enjoying things together as best friends, what is he like then? Do you see him emote at those times? Is he affectionate with your children? If he can show love and affection in some areas but not during sex, it seems to me this can be fixable, but only if he is willing to address it. Communication at this point is a must. Keep expressing your concerns, but in a loving way, or he will get defensive and shut down. Keep suggesting therapy, because you are in this marriage too. His refusal to address this is hurting both of you. In the meantime, be patient, focus on the love you two share, and learn how to pleasure yourself for a while. That wasn't meant as a joke, really. I hope he comes around and I beg you to resist an A; you'll end up feeling worse than you do now...trust me. God bless.

Learningskills 04/20/2011

Well, you can always insist on counseling. There is no reason to cheat. None. If he won't go to counseling, then I would tell him that though there is a lot of good in the relationship, it must end. Divorce up front and honest, is better than lying and cheating. What does that ever gain?

Sparkie119 04/20/2011

We began a relationship when we were legally married to other people (that was 17 years ago). I'm 100% sure he is not having an A. Other than in sexual sitations, we have a blast! we enjoy roller coasters, we have a RV and travel every summer. Good converstion..He is like my best friend with NO bnefits. He's emotionally distant with our son also. he rearly says i love you to anyone. He has a military and law enforcement back ground which allows his to detach emotions quickly. When i say "I love ouy" his response if "me too". He NEVER initinates the I love yous. He does shut down when i bring up sex. He just doesnt respond to my questions or I get yes no answers. Talking about sex with him is like pulling teeth. I'm afraid of finding myself in a position to have an A and out of desperation...getting into one...even when I realize its not right to have an affair. We speak to each other almost daily at work. Ride home together and he has the sexiest voice. Hes like the eye candy of the 50's...salt and pepper all over big tall handsome....but NO sex!!!! an he doesn't want to deal with the issue either.It like having a nicely gift wrapped empty display package.

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Infidelity is DEFINITELY NOT answer. You say you love him too much to leave him, if you love him that much then don't damage him with an affair. My husband cheated for a very short time (a week and a half) but during that time would NOT have sex. I was pregnant at the time and was all over him 24.7 (gotta love pregnancy hormones) and he rejected every advance which was very unusual. I don't want to say he's doing anything but have you investigated it or suspect at all that maybe he's getting needs me somewhere else? A porn problem can do this too.

Sparkie119 04/20/2011

I can see his needs being met online if anything...other than that nothing...What about my needs? He clearly wont help himself to help me. Divorce is NOT an option...this is my best friend. I am definately NOT better off without him. I just need to learn how to deal with situation. as for self pleasure...I view porn, read excotic matrial etc... and build it all up until we do have sex (once a month for 10 minutes) then its like the flood gates opening up. Bests to believe...I get mine before he gets his...the sex is horrible.. no kissing, no talking...no emotions...I call it prostitute sex. When I told him I feel like he makes love to me like a prostutes (short, no emotions, no pillow talk etc...) he just doesnt say anything. Other than sex...everything else is ok..No drug/alc problems, Finances or ok, no legal issues, own our home, no medical issues, both college grads, both professionals, both are visually attractive..I am lost on to how to deal with this without having an A. Now mind you..i dont go out looking for an affair either. I'm not anywhere trying to pick up men

deleted_user 04/20/2011

This answer might not be appreciated by all.

You don't want to divorce. He isn't going to change. You are unfulfilled, and have thoughts of cheating. Something has to change.

So ask him for his explicit permission to seek other relationships outside of your marriage.

Don't go into it saying "It will only be sex, no emotions." That doesn't work. The reality is that purely sex based relationships rarely occur, unless you are having a series of one or two-night stands.

Instead (sorry but this is a long monologue):

"Honey I want to be completely honest with you. I don't want our marriage to have deceit. I love you very much and want you to be the only man in my life. I love most of our relationship, but there is a gaping wound in our relationship called "sex". I am unfulfilled sexually. I have pled with you to help me improve this part of our relationship, but so far nothing has been done to help this situation.

"I want your permission for me to seek partners elsewhere. While what I want is sex, there is the risk that I will have emotions for these other partners, and that is a risk we both you and I have to be willing to accept."

"If you don't give me your permission, then I NEED you to do something about this. I need a permanent fix, not something that starts great and fades in a month or two."

"Otherwise I will end up going outside of the marriage without your permission. I will not consider this cheating, because I have been completely honest with you about this situation and I will not be sneeking around and lying to you."

"Do you have any questions for me?"

Then you are not living a life of deceit. Then you have been completely clear with your husband. You will also be using "I" statements, and being careful not to place blame squarely on him.

deleted_user 04/20/2011

I don't get the concept of possibly cheating, but divorce isn't an option. So many of us here that have been betrayed always say, "If I had known how bad it was...why didn't he just talk to me, etc". Your problems are not unusual; In any marriage, regardless of age, the initial excitement isn't there on a daily basis...and sex, I mean great hot sex, doesn't happen every night. However, instead, there is a deep respect, committment, love, etc that takes the place of the "fun, exciting beginning feelings". Most of us, but I will speak for myself (and I decided to divorce) were upset about the friendship with our H or EX we experienced. Knowing your " best friend" could hurt you like that.
I think talking to him, seeing a counselor, really letting him know how you feel is the BEST way to go. What is your alternative? Cheating? And, for what? So you can selfishly make HIM look like a fool while you get it on with someone, but keep your H stringing along? That may not be your intention, but that is how he will feel.
There are two in a marriage. It's not just you, and trust me, your H has problems too...it's natural. I think focusing on HIM is your best bet, instead of possibly causing damage you simply will not be able to undo.

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Why don't you copy your posting and let him read it?

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Also, ten years is a long time to go feeling like you were owed favors by him. I think about my marriage, and how divorce was my best option because, at 31, I wasn't going to spend another ten years in limbo hell with someone who didn't want to fight for me, and then find myself at 41 starting over.
I think marriage is hard, hard work. It's not the roses and birds chirping people think it will be. This is your second marriage, so you've been down that road. Even if he doesn't seem receptive to your ideas, you took vows to be faithful to this man, and he is owed at least that.

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Okay basic question: has he been to see a doctor? Is this physical? Low testosterone or something like that? I'm not a man so I don't know exactly if it is like this for all but one of the running themes here is if men are having problems in intimacy they shut down rather than face it because it goes beyond just physical. It seems to me (men feel free to correct this assessment because again, I'm a girl) that sexual dysfunction effects them to the core. It's earthshaking and scary. So perhaps a good physical is in order before an open marriage. However, what ImDealing suggested is still 1000 times better than cheating.

deleted_user 04/20/2011

"Other than sex...everything else is ok.."

At the risk of sounding harsh (which is not my intent), that's not what I am reading from your words.

Have you considered going to counselling independently? It's worth a try before you do something that will irrevocably change your relationship (for the worse).

Blindsidedagain 04/20/2011

On another thread, you mention that H is 54, and you are 44.

On this thread, you say that H is 50, and you are 40.

Age is not really a factor, should we assume that this is 2 typo's?

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Actually, on the OW thread, you describe your relationship with your husband as awful in many ways, and say that he is a "great father but a terrible husband", not as your "best friend".

Can you clarify? I am unclear about which position you are coming from in seeking support and advice.

znzsmom 04/20/2011

I'd also like to add that this seems more of an emotional problem than a sexual problem. You are not just starving for sex, but for reall, heartfelt emotion from your H. We don't need that deeply felt, emotional connection from our friends all the time, but we do from our spouse.

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