Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I just wanted to start up this conversation and let people know because I have seen others posting about this subject in their replies that anyone has the power to cheat or have an affiar actually.
I think those who have been cheated on really have that nuclear option that they can hold on their pocket and use at any given time.
I mean you as the BS can do this at anytime anywhere and no one would really say much to the affect.
People would even side with you actually. Say yea they deserved it give them a taste of their own medicine. It really would put them in their place.
You can do this at anytime actual and no one would really judge you it might feel good to do it but there are hidden consequences to it.
If your spouse is trying to help you rebuild and showing you full remorse I would say their guilt of their sins are being shown in full display so what would be the point? You are going down to their level probably not a good place to be.
I would also say if they left you or there is no remorse or no option of repair then its just you trying to move on and be with someone cause no one wants to be lonely and we are all on this planet trying to find someone and share memories with or make them with. Thats my 2 cents.
I think those who have been cheated on really have that nuclear option that they can hold on their pocket and use at any given time.
I mean you as the BS can do this at anytime anywhere and no one would really say much to the affect.
People would even side with you actually. Say yea they deserved it give them a taste of their own medicine. It really would put them in their place.
You can do this at anytime actual and no one would really judge you it might feel good to do it but there are hidden consequences to it.
If your spouse is trying to help you rebuild and showing you full remorse I would say their guilt of their sins are being shown in full display so what would be the point? You are going down to their level probably not a good place to be.
I would also say if they left you or there is no remorse or no option of repair then its just you trying to move on and be with someone cause no one wants to be lonely and we are all on this planet trying to find someone and share memories with or make them with. Thats my 2 cents.
1. Revenge never pays. I mean it may feel good for a while...but ONLY for a while.
2. Revenge is not a path to peace. It is never good to choose things that do not lead to peace of mind.
3. People sometimes have an affair out of revenge as a means of shrouding the pain. Don't do that!! Allow yourself to feel the pain and then heal. You will learn to love yourself in an extraordinary manner at the end of it, and you will also learn how not to allow anyone to ever hurt you so badly again.
4. If you've been cheated on, only move on to another relationship when you have worked through your feelings on the first and when you are ready to take on the seriousness of a new relationship. The ideal is to finish completely with one before moving into another. It is a funny thing but you actually still love and be in love with someone who has cheated on you. You need to deal with all that stuff first. By being revengeful you will only hurt yourself.
So I hope who needs to hear this has heard it. Now sleep well who ever you are, and if it's already tomorrow, do have a pleasant day!
You will either win the lottery or something good will happen to you. You deserve it.
Jimmy, you said: "Again, some people get over it, at least they think they do.
It will always be in the back of your mind. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. "
This is true of every relationship. Anyone can cheat on you. We live in a false bubble upon falling in love and getting married that our spouse would never do that. But it is a blind trust. When it is violated, correct, you never get back to that blind trust, which shouldn't have been there in the first place. Blind trust is what prevents us from keeping boundaries.
Of course my wife could do it again. If I'm not careful and attentive, I could fall into that trap as well, as it appears you are doing. Your choice, I just don't think it is a good one. Bottom line, if being cheated on is so bad for you, how can you justify doing the same thing?
But what I think doesn't matter in your case. Your life. But I only see more pain and anger coming from it.
She cheated.
She got caught.
Every time it comes up she tells me she is over him.
She tells me I am what she wants.
We moved out of the old house because I could not live with the thought of another man banging my wife in that one. The next thing I know he is driving by my new house. Hmmm, how did he know where we moved to?
A few years go by and everything seems ok.
One day I check her facebook and I check her search history in facebook. There are his kids names and a woman he is seeing now.
She is keeping track of him on a daily basis.
Over him?
With me?
So now, I feel that she does not realize how much hurt she has caused me. All the BS she has fed me that last few years. Telling me the same shit over and over and then going to work and looking him up after telling me "I love you so much".
Am I angry? Actually not at all anymore.
My eyes are more open now than ever before.
Am I going to leave her? I would say probably yes.
I do know that if I have revenge sex/affair it will destroy everything.
That is my choice.
Will it make things better for me? Probably not.
I have done everything in my power to make this marriage work and she destroyed that trust again. So, obviously she does not care about what I think or how I feel. She is selfish.
Just like she said in her recorded conversation with him.
I CAN HAVE ANY GUY I WANT!
That is how she feels in her head. If a women has that mentality she always will in the back of her mind. This is what makes her feel better about herself because that is all she cares about.
Again, do not judge me. I am not angry. I have seen the light.
And regardless of how much they tell you they are sorry and they will never do it again, it is in that back of their mind. It is like a drug addiction.
Just as it will always be in the back of your mind. Every time they turn off their cell phone.
Every time they are on their email account.
Every time they want a night out with the girls.
Every time she sees or hears of the other man.
You will be wondering. It will always be there.
Trust is a very fragile thing. Once it is broken, you can try and glue it together, but it will never be the same.
I have tried the drugs
I have tried the therapy.
The drugs made me shake all day and night.
I tried the therapy, and all he told me was leave her.
I should have listened to him. Instead almost 6 years have gone by.
Ask yourselves, are you ok with wasting 6 years of your life so you can get crapped on again?
Revenge affair won't do anything to her. Her Bubble is very much alive. She has learned how to manipulate you to get what she needs until she finds what she really wants.
What you need to do is figure out a way to metaphorically slam your own head with a sledgehammer!!! WTF are you still doing with her?!!
Have some mercy on yourself...for God's sake. Face your fears. Loneliness will only be temporary. Your CS has set the bar so low, practically anyone, I mean ANYONE, will be better than this.
WALK AWAY...Just do it! Shift into gear and floor it! Good luck!
The only reason I am still here is the kids and I do not want to move back in with my parents at 47. Even if it is temporary.
I wouldn't stay for the kids - even though it has been very hard for me - my pride took over - let your pride take over - live with your parents for a while - you will probably find a girl that already has a place and deserves you.
That is my advice but you are living this - not us. I wish you strength.
God damn! That fucking bitch was willing to ruin MY LIFE! You bet
revenge is sweet. Planning mine on HER. I already told her husband about their affair. That was sweet. She bad-mouthed me to my husband and blamed me. She didn't know it was me. Her spouse protected me. I HOPE THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Revenge feels sooo good! I have all her Facebook friends' names written down. Just wondering now what exactly to do!
Ideas?
What are you waiting for?!
FIRE AT WILL...!!
Not to stir the pot too much, but you think like I do.
I have thought about creating an alias Facebook using a name from their class (from classmates.com) add them to your friends list and wait until the time is right and then plot your revenge. You can do so many things, but it has to be timed right. The only bad thing is everything you do is traceable on the internet. If you send anything threatening, they can trace your IP address to your house. Keep it fun, and be creative.
1. I know there are some different views on this, but sex is a marital bonding activity. One of the reasons cheating hurts is it violates that bond. In essence, "marrying" another person does little to break a bond the CS has already broken. They will not so much as feel hurt as feel justified. What kind of revenge is that?
2. A "revenge" affair hurts you more than it hurts the CS. In part for the reasons above. But also because what the CS has done hurt themselves as well. How will inflicting more hurt on yourself serve to get revenge?
3. You will also be hurting whoever you involve yourself with to do the revenge affair. You suck another person, innocent or not, into the pain of an affair, just so you can get back at someone else. How would you feel in her shoes if you were she and discovered that is why she wanted to have sex with you? Creating a meaningless physical bond with her will only hurt her.
Most all us BSs understand the desire to get revenge in one form or another, but few that have had revenge affairs will suggest it was worth it once time passed and the air cleared enough to think straight. Anger is natural, but don't let it lead you to do things you'll later regret merely to satisfy some sense of getting back at them for what they've done.
As I said, you can do what you want. But realize, this choice does carry some serious consequences, and most likely will do little to get back at them, and will probably sabotage any chance there may have been to reconcile and heal the relationship.
I just went back and read your post (I so wish DS would get the thread notifications straightened out on this forum, I don't get any of them) you posted shortly after the one before tonight's.
I get where you are coming from. To me, what you are suggesting isn't so much a revenge affair, but an exit affair. Which has its own problems. If in your mind it is over, then end it so you can move on with a clean conscious and then find someone you can love and who can love you the right way. I agree, your wife sounds like she never healed. Probably swept her issues under the carpet, and instead of being dealt with and healed, they festered and grew worse. I don't blame you for feeling like it is over with her.
You said, "Again, do not judge me. I am not angry. I have seen the light. And regardless of how much they tell you they are sorry and they will never do it again, it is in that back of their mind. It is like a drug addiction."
That is true of some, not all. There are CSs who heal from this. I count my wife as one who has done a lot of healing. Is my radar for cheating signs up a lot higher than before? You bet. And there have been triggers, all proved unfounded. But she doesn't fit the clinical definition of a sex addict. Though the feelings she had at the time were addictive in scope, the addictive behaviors didn't have time to turn her into an addict.
Some cheat because their narcissistic, have a long history of cheating (often one of their parents cheated too, so it came across as what a "healthy" relationship looked like growing up) and so are addicted to it in one way or the other, some simply don't see anything wrong with it, and think it is their right to sleep with whoever, no matter what pretenses they have to put on for society's sake. In most of those cases, a repeat offense is highly likely short of some major commitment on their part, and aggressive therapy. Most of them don't ever get their, and you're wife sounds like one who isn't.
But there are those who are tempted, and for whatever reason, fall to that temptation. Whether a one-night stand that just "happened" or like in my wife's case, a man who whittled away at her conviction not to, and one small, seemingly innocent step at a time, she found herself desiring to cheat on me, even when she knew she couldn't or really didn't want to. But he triggered an addictive response in her, and over two months time, it wore her down until she gave in. Much longer story, but while hers was much more than a one-night stand, or a brief affair, she had no history of cheating. Her personality changed radically when it started, and gradually returned in the months after dday. For these CSs, if they do what it takes to heal from this, there is a very good chance they won't return to the pig pen.
But my only suggestion for you is to not involve yourself with another woman for the sake or revenge on your wife. Do so because you have love for her, and have severed your relationship with your current wife who has already severed hers with you, apparently. Whoever you hook up with deserves to have all of you, and to have you want them for who they are, not for who your wife is not.
No judgment here, only warning where I see potential pitfalls. It is up to you to take this and evaluate in your case, and make your own decisions. None of us can tell you what you should do, only give our opinions and insight as we have it. What you do with it is in your hands. I trust you'll find the right path for you.
After he found that the OW was a nut case, he wouldn't leave the house, whereas she had sent me an email telling me that during their love affair " he was never in any hurry to leave my side". Now he is that way with me. But I have seen how easy it was for him to turn his back on me. I can never depend on him. How do you love someone deeply and freely AFTER they have betrayed you? Don't you ALL feel like you are holding back ( if not even a little bit0? :You can NEVER be your real self with this person you have chosen to stay with because of what they have done to you. They have changed YOU. They have changed you and the type of relationship that you are in. They have diminished what could have been. You can never be in the type of relationship you dreamed about - where you are best friends, where he/she hasn't betrayed you.
Onyx..you quoted: your posts your CS is trying and he most likely truly loves you - why would he do what he did? cause he made a huge mistake - had a chance and went for it. Wasnt thinking
A HUGE mistake?? Had a chance? Went for it??
A chance at what? Getting a new piece of A__.. That was a HUGE chance..a memorable experience, well worth betraying a person who had never harmed him or wished him anything but happiness. To hell with THAT person, I have " a chance' to cheat on her/him and experience a new piece so forget my promises, I'm GOING for it.
After all " He/she will NEVER find out..( Ha. How many CS think they will never be found out?)" How shallow. As they say, " you can tell the character of a man by what he does when he thinks no one is watching."
And yes, they were thinking..