Have sex with her boyfriend. That might demonstrate it.....



And yes that was a joke. Kind of.

I'm not an expert and I've not experienced infidelity myself but in general, I think trying to get someone to understand anything they've not experienced themselves is wasted energy. I think if you truly want to be friends with her, you'd almost have to accept that she doesn't get it and be ok with that. That's a tall order, man. If you don't want to be friends with her, for real, then I think just telling her no thanks, end of story, is completely acceptable. I mean, why burden yourself with her request? In fact, I'd question her motives for her calling you out of no where. Maybe she's just easing her guilt.

Several of my friends are divorced, and not due to infidelity, and yet none of them are friends with their spouses. If they have kids together, they're cordial. That's it. My husband was married before and has kids and is not friends with his ex. They are polite and friendly but not friends. I think friendship after any relationship ends is more the exception. Me personally, there's no way I could be friends after something like that. I know it can happen; I just can't see for me how my sheer rage over being crapped on would allow it. But that's me.

I think Copingjust hitting the nail on the head. Really the only thing you could do to demonstrate it is to sleep with her boyfriend.

Rmb sums it up by saying "I think trying to get someone to understand anything they've not experienced themselves is wasted energy."

Boy is it ever a waste of energy. You can lead a horse to water...

My first question to you is why would you want to be friends with a liar and a cheater? What kind of friendship could you ever expect to have with someone who can't understand that what they did was wrong is every sense of the word?

Why would you want to invite trouble back into your life now that you've moved on. Why would you want to rehash all the emotional turmoil that you've delicately tucked away in the bottom drawer?

I can understand that you have a lot of crap you want to heave at her, and nothing would satisfy more than to hear her confess and admit to it. But it's never going to happen, she couldn't wear that dress back then so what makes you think she can fit into it now?

I understand you are still in pain, as are most of us, long after d day. But take care of yourself. Know that who she is ain't ever gonna change. She'll probably end up cheating on boyfriend of 1500 miles away eventually, because she hasn't changed.

She's reaching out because she needs forgiveness, and needs to know that she didn't leave you in a pile shit to figure out for yourself. Imagine what she's told her boyfriend about your relationship and why it ended? He probably hasn't a clue about her lying and cheating ways.

Maybe you should accept her invitation and set up a meeting with them where you can tell her boyfriend of 1500 miles away, what a lying whoring bitch she really is. Oops, I'm sorry, did I say that?

Keep It Simple Sam. I wish you good things to come your way.

Of all the billions of people in the world who haven't hurt you like she did, why would you want to be friends with her?

She doesn't want forgiveness. I think she wants to keep her options open.

Well, you're right to want to have an amicable relationship with her, and forgiving her is for YOUR benefit, not hers. But expecting her to understand your pain is a very difficult thing indeed. She probably didn't understand it before, or she would not have inflicted it on you, and now she wants to be friends? Allowing her "in" or "closer" as a friend to you may only open you up to more pain because she's not changed. Maybe some day she'll understand, and she'll sincerely apologize and seek forgiveness from you, but until that day, I hope you can keep her at arm's length. HUGS and blessings to you!

~ Seek the Light ~

"She wants to know that I'm happy and doing well."

Are you happy? Are you doing well? If so, tell her that. The rest? Let it go.

As others have suggested, unless she actually goes through it herself (being cheated on) she will never fully understand it. Ever. So, that's wasted time and energy on your part in trying to impart to her how much she hurt you.

One wanting to be friends with an ex always comes with ulterior motives. Always. Whether its for ones own selfish gains now, or keeping the ex as potential back up or to fill any emotional pot-holes as needed. Don't fall for it. She's your ex for a very good reason. Let her stay that way.

You owe her nothing. Thank her for her concern, wish her well and find another friend. If the marriage ended because of the pain she caused, why would that be a person you choose as a friend? Do you have kids together? If not, then a friendship seems like asking for further pain.

I am "friends" with my ex husband, and am even on civil terms with the woman he cheated on me with.

We are in a situation where we still wind up being around eachother. Just this past weekend we were all at a suprise party for a very good mututal friend of ours.
I'm not about to stop living my life just because they live in the same town, and I would never want to put anyone I care about in an awkward position by even giving them the impression I expect them to choose.
So, in my case, it was just easier to say "whatever" and slap a smile on my face. It was really hard at first, but it didnt take me long to realize... I'm not mad anymore.

I'm happier now than I ever could have been if I had stayed married. They both did me a favor. In fact, I often say the nicest thing he ever did for me was kick me out.

He will never understand what I experienced, and there is nothing I could ever do or say to change that. I wouldnt want to.
We do not talk about it, ever. Not yet, anyway. Its kind of just simpler, when we are near each other, to pretend none of it ever happened. It can be tough at times, I actually wound up crying over it for the first time in a year after the party this past weekend. It can be sort of a mindf*ck. So be prepared for that if you decide to get friendly.

I do also know other people that are friends with their ex spouses.

I realize my situation is not the norm, and its not quite the same as yours. I just wanted to offer a different prespective than what you were getting.

divorce that has infidelty involved means that a monster (more like 2) involved, you owe zero, zilch, nada, and i very much doubt that she'd have the capacity to understand, cheaters are oftem maniplutors and concerned with craftinga public image, this sound like it is more about her looking the part of concerned human

Yeah, don't even bother. You see you are back here wondering about something that shouldn't even be on your radar. The fact that you have to question it should tell you that this is not a good idea. If you thought it was you would have went on and did it without a second thought.

Some people know how to push the right button. She knows you want those answers and what better way to punish you even more than to have her divorce husband (who SHE CHEATED on) after her for those answers and her feeling like she is getting even more attention. Nope she is the new boyfriends problem now, let him give her that attention that she is obviously seeking.

Thanks for all of your replies. :) I guess I just needed to hear it from other knowledgable people on the outside of the situation to help me know what I should do. It never hurts to have a 2nd opinion (or many second opinions lol). Thanks again everyone! :)

Why would you WANT to be friends with her? Seriously? She lives 1,500 miles away, so you arent likely to just hang out on Saturday afternoons, playing X-Box.

Dude, let it go. Let. It. Go. If she didnt care enough to read a book or article back in 2009, she isnt going to read one now. And frankly, the concept really isnt all that complex: You promised to be faithful. You werent. You embarrassed me and wrecked my life. I am hurt, and I am ENTITLED to be hurt. She didnt get it in 2009, she doesnt get it now, and she will NEVER get it.

I can truly appreciate your need to be heard. But really, at this point, what difference does it make?

Am I right, or am I right?

Even the most well intentioned cs who work desperately hard at rebuilding and read every book can't fully "get it". She's probably got some residual guilt and needs you to ease that for her by accepting her friendship.

Here's a quote that might help

"You just shat on me and my entire life, so of course we should still be friends, so NO ONE ever!"

She wants to be friends with you, and know you are happy and doing well, so that she can get the guilt of what she did off her shoulders...

....so that she can say to herself, 'I may have done this wrong, but I did the right thing. See? He's fine and happy too.'

It's up to you if you want her to have that.

L~