I just want this relationship to work but how do I deal with my insecurities regarding trust and why only after I mention being neglected does she respond I feel as though I’m trying to make her love me. I asked her tonight do u want this to work she says I’m here damn she’s the one that’s stepped out

I don't know how much I can help you but here is what I'm going through and it may help march 2014 my spouse had an affair I found a message in. November of 2014 I confronted him about it and he said it was an emotional affair pretty much I didn't let it go and in March 2015 kept digging found out it was physical it my world was crushed that day so he finally admitted to it we decided to stay together I immediately went to counseling which helped the relationship was ten times better but the fights were ten times worse too I was constantly worrying about what he was doing it consumed me it was not easy at first it has been a process for both of us I would get that answer also that he was here if he didn't want to here he wouldn't be and my response to that is you were here and stilll cheating so don't give me that I'm here shit but the year after I found out was heaven and hell all at the same time but he knows I check his messages social media,etc also track his phone he would call and let me know what he was doing i told him I wanted that reassurance that we were ok it has slowly gotten better we randomly have this conversation about our relationship to make sure we are both o. The same page making we sure are both getting what we need it's not easy and I still have the trust issue but he also understand what he did and we both had to change almost like starting a new relationship all over again but I don't know if it will help but that was my situation I mean there was a lot to it but that just a small breakdown of how we are trying to make things work

O and when have been together for 18 years 14 years when the affair happened

The problem with your situation is that you believe you can make your wife love you or change into a decent person.

Unfortunately none of these things are under your control.

Many BSes believe that if they just became "this" or gave them more "that" then the affair never would have happened and they can fix their spouse and marriage.

It comes from a place where you need to control things, which actually tells your spouse that it is your fault they had an affair and it is your job to make it better. They are already princesses and this enables them further.

The truth is that the affair had nothing to do with your marriage, your qualities, or how loveable you are.

The affair rests solely on the lack of character and duplicity of your spouse. If you allow them to avoid the consequences of their actions and allow them to be blameless there is no incentive to change.

Children have innate poor character and are incredibly selfish, the only way they learn is through negative consequences. You can't just tell them why it is good to be virtuous and expect them to comply.

Adulterers are still children in the character development and you need to hold them accountable for their actions.

What do we always tell children? We will treat you like an adult when you act like one.

I just can’t seem to process it the lies the trust I used to be so strong and confident. Why can’t I get full transparency and the truth there has to be sex the cards hotel charge at my wits end

You can't get full transparency because she doesn't WANT to give it. She is still lying. The lying perhaps is gaslighting you?

The hotel was for my girlfriend...but you said you stayed at her place that night..ok the hotel was for xyz...but I see these receipts right in front of me...why do you always have to argue with me or blow things out of proportion?...I must be a little bit crazy, there must be something wrong with me, maybe I should work harder to win her love.

Where did those roses come from...I bought them for myself...that seems a strange thing to do...you KNOW I like to buy myself flowers...maybe she did buy them for herself, I should have bought her flowers, maybe I should buy her flowers more often...what is your problem with the damned flowers? I TOLD you I bought them myself...why am I doubting myself? I guess its a plausible explanation. There really must be something wrong with me that I'm stressing out over flowers. My gut tells me something is really wrong here. But she says its nothing so I should believe her. I must be screwed up so I'll just work harder to win her back and buy her flowers more often.

Do you see how the gaslighting over really simple things can take a huge toll on your thought processes, and your sense of self when it occurs over and over? You wind up convincing yourself what you know to be untrue or ridiculous and then blame it on your own supposed failings. Learn to place the blame where it belongs...with the liar. Learn to trust your gut again.

Lifetime recipient of gaslighting here. It takes a lot of work.

All this happened back in aug when I found out finally confronted her with the cards I found from him or her.it was on aug 13 2017 that I asked her was she cheating. She said no then I showed her the cards and she was shocked. Now I know I’m about to get long winded but here goes. A week before I confronted her I keep asking her was she cheating she kept saying no. 2 months prior she left divorce papers on the dining room table she said she did that to wake me up now fast forward to aug during the week she was acting strange texting me things like tell me 5 things u want to do with me I would respond then 2 days later she texted me that it was over she has done her job, our son was leaving for college in September. I said after 17 yrs of marriage and being together for 22yrs u break up with me in a text.? Then she says let’s go to dinner and talk . That was on a Friday I didn’t go instead I confronted her again r u cheating again she says no. That weekend something didn’t feel right so I started looking through things, no mind u I’ve never done this before no matter how bad things had ever been between us I always thought we were solid yes I neglected her but provided a house and stable life for us and our family.. so I found the cards and confronted her she said they were old and that the affair was emotional and was over in earlier that year. She said she was in control and thier was no sex it got close one time but then she realizes she wanted her marriage to work after that day my whole life turned upside down I couldn’t handle it she answered all my questions but It didn’t seem right . I said what about those roses that were in the house back I may she said she brought them. And yes my wife occasionally buys flowers but never rises and come to think of it ever since this happened she hasn’t brought any flowers maybe all this time the flowers came from someone else anyway after that day i forgave her and wanted to make this marriage work. The weeks after we had sex more in one week trhen we had in the last year. Things got better but the trust was gone then I couldn’t sleep took a leave of absence from my job for a week decided to leave told her and she begged me to stay. I left for one night then came back. Went back to work but then lost my job this past January anyway the days and months after she finally admitted to the emotional affair I started to find things I kept snooping that’s when after everything happened she left her visa statement on the side of the bed this was aug 26 2 weeks after she came clean about the affair. The hotel charge was for July 21 and that was the night she called me and said she was drinking with her girlfriend and was a little tipsy and was staying over I confronted her and she said that was a charge for her friend Karon for her and her boyfriend. I said but I were drinking with her that night and didn’t come home plus she has her in apartment why would she have to leave? She denied it wasn’t her I sad whatevet but she did finally say that the roses were from the person she was seeing but didn’t admit that the hotel charge was for her since aug we have had our ups and downs but my insecurities which I never had before are overwhelming as the days and weeks passed I would occasionally look for things in September I found a valentine days card from 2017 that said to my lover friend and my everything I held that card for a while then showed it to her later In September and said if the relationship was emotional why was it signed to my lover. She said she didn’t know and look I didn’t even use the gift card for the spa that was inside. I left it alone but then earlier this year she asked me didn’t she have a gift card to the spa that she never used I was shocked that she would ask about it all these months later I said yeah u have that gift card from u friend how could u even ask to use it and why would u ask me if I had a card for u. U knew it was from ur friend. Then In March of this year she went out which is fine but she came home early because it started to snow and when I came downstairs to see her I noticed her rings weren’t on her hand as she was cleaning up something on the rug then as I came downstairs she went upstairs I should have asked her then about it but didn’t I went back upstairs about 10 min later and questioned her. She said I saw u staring at my hand and flipping out. I took the rings off because I spilled wine on the rug and was cleaning it and my hands were sticky so I took them they were right thier on the table I said I didn’t see them furthermore if u saw me bugging out why didn’t I just tell me and show me why let
Me go through the anxious moments. No answer I said u could have avoided this fight by just showing me. And I think I didnt confront her right away because I was scared that they would probably be in her purse. I had my chance but didn’t take it. Maybe she was telling the truth but why would she let me go through that anxiety. I know I’m all over the map but people bear with me. Let’s back track to last October this is 2 months after she admitted to the emotional affair. I called her best friend Karon their thick as thieves friends forever and actually I knew Karon before my wife I met my wife through Karon. So anyway thier always together it’s like Karon is her husband their always together. It’s ridiculous they go out together and she comes home and their on the phone. Anyway I said I’ll do something nice so I surprised my wife and took her and Karon to the movies and dinner after the movies and dinner I said I will take Karon home, we all went in the same car so why would I drive home and drop my wife and Karon off so she could take her home. After I dropped Karon off and we went home. I went into the basement my man cave to catch the end of the game. She texted me and said I don’t know what u and Karon are trying to pull but now u know where she lives. I said I always knew where she lived why are u getting so defensive. Why r u flipping out I was trying to do something nice now with all that said here we r in May I’m out of work, I’m collectimg unemployment but it barely covers the mortgage I’ve gained over 25 pounds drinking more smoking more. I’m a mess I’ve never been this uncondident. So unsure of myself. Why doesn’t my wife do more to put me at ease do more to show me we’re good. She said she had the emotional affair because I neglected her and she tried to tell me she wasn’t happy I said why didn’t u sit me down and just tell me if I didn’t start paying u more attention u were going to leave or step out.. but now it’s as if she’s me and her I’m craving attention and love but she’s still doing her. She says she has to get used to me wanting to do things with her give her time to adjust stop pressuring me back off some and I’ll adjust. I did that and still no time spent together she doesn’t initiate sex tells me
To stop always asking.its only after I say something does she say oh let’s go out and the other morning she initiated sex. But it’s only after I say something as I did this past weekend. She went out with Karon on Saturday then had to work her part time job then Sunday she went out again so I was like wtf when do I stop being a after thought? We do we spend time together.. I’m tired of being and acting like a bitch I was never like this I look and notice everything. For instance today we went to the store to look at a new bedroom frame. I forgot my phone so the man at the store was going to give me the number to the other store to c if they had what we were looking for. I said give me ur phone so I can call she was on her way to the bathroom. She said why after the third time I said forget it he’s writing the number down. Now that could be harmless but I’m so insecure I read into everything. I was never like this. What do I do.i know if I agreed to move on I have to let things be but it always these little things. One more thing back in July and August when this came to light I would check her face book page and this guy would say good morning to her every morning I noticed last July then he even said good morning one day with the heart eyes when I asked her about it she said he was a friend that went to school with her I said why is he saying good morning to u ever day and what’s the heart eyes about . I said tell him it makes me uncomfortable she got upset he doesn’t do it anymore the last good morning was in November. I’m just tired of being so insecure

You are being played hard. The lying and trickle truth is all through your post. The refusal to let you use her phone: red flag. The having to ask for attention: red flag. The insisting you back off and stop pressuring her: red flag. Divorce papers, hotel receipt, roses, cards, spa gift card: all red flags. Accusing you of something fishy or wanting to see where she lives when you drove Karon home and getting all defensive about it (this is called projection): red flag. The expectation that you need to just move on and let all these little things go (because she refuses to do the work to actually repair the damage she has caused) is called rug sweeping: red flag. She is not respecting your boundaries when you tell her the messages from a man makes you uncomfortable: red flag. I guess you have to ask yourself if this relationship is acceptable to you or not. It doesn't seem likely she will change...she hasn't so far and hasn't taken any responsibility or gone to individual counseling (from what I can tell).

I completely understand what you are going through. I am in the same shoes as you. I found out in January that my bf of six years had been talking with and receiving pictures from multiple of his ex’s. It had been going on for about two years. The hurt is something that you can’t describe. And you constantly question everything especially whether or not you will ever be able to trust them again. It hurts just to see any pictures of us from that time because I know he was doing this. I really hope you are able to get through this and be happy with her again!

I Just hate the way I feel look no confidence why am I so fucked up. I’m looking for acceptance in another person instead of finding it in my self If we agreed to work on it than I need to find a way to move on. Why does she have a problem talking about it why is it the 800 pound gorilla in the room. She should know why I feel the way I do. But why am I abusing myself. Why Am i so afraid. She didn’t think I would change and I did. She said I was doing me and not paying her any attention. It’s true but that’s no reason to step out All this happened back in aug it’s been 8 months when will I stop worrying and being so consumed needed the gratification of another to justify me simply pathetic

I don't think it's your insecurity per say. While you may be insecure she is still blame shifting, and not being accountable to you through transparency.

She trickle truths you and that whole hotel lie is probably going to be disclosed some time or another even though you know.

My wife knows how precarious her position is with me and I make no secret of it. I've let her know that I have no issue ending the marriage.

When someone has an affair that relationship is over. In essence you have to ask yourself if you would want to start a new relationship with your spouse just like you would judge any other new relationship.

The only other factors you need to figure out is finances, children, and history. However, if the spouse isn't changed and changing......it isn't worth it.

you love her
she uses that to totally fuck with your head
she is a viscous manipulative evil rotten bitch
do yourself a favor
do your son a favor
leave

When the going got tough- she cheated and escaped. She revealed her true character to you and yes it is painful to realize this. I also had to realize that after my 18-year marriage fell apart and spending a year hoping he would work on things, only to find more lies, more D-days, more coverups. Please read- Leave a cheater- Gain a life by Tracy Schom. It opened my eyes and there were way too many things that were true for me in that book- I'm leaving now- I spent a year on hopium and I am broken and numb from all the lies. She had a decision tree of options for being unhappy, and fucking around on you was not one of them.

Do u think it’s possible for my wife to have had a emotional affair for 7-8 months and there really wasn’t any sec

Sex