Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've noticed something, and felt maybe it would be good to clarify things.
Sometimes it has been noted that one's spouse cheated because the OP stroked their ego. I'm sure in many cases this is true. And I'm not attempting to say it isn't so with anyone who has said this.
But often it is said in a fashion that makes it sound as if it was a shallow and worthless reason. For sure, I would not say that such a thing justifies cheating. But what reason does? Short of an abusive spouse, not much (and even then we could say get out of that first).
But I think we forget something. We all need our egos stoked to some degree. The difference is, for some of us, we don't necessarily experience love from our partner that way, while others do. Those that don't tend to dismiss that need as worthless, shallow, not worthy of being addressed.
But let's put this in another perspective. When I filled out what five needs I have that if my wife fulfilled them, I would feel like she loved me, "Respect" was number one on my list. Sex was second.
For me to feel love from her, I need her to respect me. Translated, that means I need her to appreciate me, look up to me, feel I am important to her...in short, that she strokes my ego. If I don't feel that, I will feel she doesn't love me, would rather not be married to me. How can you love someone you don't respect? And isn't that what one gets when they date? You each think the other can do no wrong during the infatuation phase?
And isn't that what an affair is, two people infatuated with each other just like in a new dating relationship? If your current spouse always complains about what you do or fail to do, never gives you any compliments, and acts like she/he simply puts up with having you around, then someone comes along and the infatuation of a new relationship suddenly comes into the picture, which one is going to be a feeling of "she loves me" to the affected spouse? It doesn't excuse it, but it makes it real obvious the temptation that needs to be resisted.
Here's the deal. When a man or woman who has cheated attempts to lay out why they did what they did, it does more damage to the relationship to diss that reason they might give. Sure, maybe he or she is blame shifting. Maybe they are doing it without realizing it. Or, they may simply be trying to figure out the reasons it happened as well.
But if someone says they have a need that the spouse didn't fulfill, the answer isn't to diss the need since that is a real need that person is expressing. Just because it isn't a need you have, doesn't mean it isn't a valid need the other person has. The spouses job isn't to meet the needs he or she thinks his or her spouse has, but to meet the needs they express they have, no matter how petty you may think it is.
Any need any of us express is selfish. My wife needs me to help with the chores on occasion. I could suggest that my writing is more important, that her need is petty and she is just trying to get out of work. And I would be right to a degree. But that doesn't mean it isn't a valid need she has that I should meet anyway, simply because I love her. If she feels my love for her by meeting that need, it doesn't matter how important I think that need is.
So, yes, I need my ego stroked. And if she wants me to feel like she loves me, she had better meet that need. I'm not saying I'm going to go cheat on her if I don't get it. But it is still a valid need I have. I, however, simply call it respect. And if the respect isn't there, I don't have a workable relationship with her. For me to feel she loves me, I need to feel she respects me. And that means giving me ego strokes. It isn't shallow with me. It is essential if our marriage is going to work.
So next time you diss that need in your spouse, realize you are dissing your own needs that he or she may think is petty and selfish. And learn to allow them to put the value on their needs no matter how valuable they are or aren't to you. You'll have a stronger relationship if instead of dismissing our spouse's stated needs, we begin to meet them.
Just felt I needed to get that off my chest.
Sometimes it has been noted that one's spouse cheated because the OP stroked their ego. I'm sure in many cases this is true. And I'm not attempting to say it isn't so with anyone who has said this.
But often it is said in a fashion that makes it sound as if it was a shallow and worthless reason. For sure, I would not say that such a thing justifies cheating. But what reason does? Short of an abusive spouse, not much (and even then we could say get out of that first).
But I think we forget something. We all need our egos stoked to some degree. The difference is, for some of us, we don't necessarily experience love from our partner that way, while others do. Those that don't tend to dismiss that need as worthless, shallow, not worthy of being addressed.
But let's put this in another perspective. When I filled out what five needs I have that if my wife fulfilled them, I would feel like she loved me, "Respect" was number one on my list. Sex was second.
For me to feel love from her, I need her to respect me. Translated, that means I need her to appreciate me, look up to me, feel I am important to her...in short, that she strokes my ego. If I don't feel that, I will feel she doesn't love me, would rather not be married to me. How can you love someone you don't respect? And isn't that what one gets when they date? You each think the other can do no wrong during the infatuation phase?
And isn't that what an affair is, two people infatuated with each other just like in a new dating relationship? If your current spouse always complains about what you do or fail to do, never gives you any compliments, and acts like she/he simply puts up with having you around, then someone comes along and the infatuation of a new relationship suddenly comes into the picture, which one is going to be a feeling of "she loves me" to the affected spouse? It doesn't excuse it, but it makes it real obvious the temptation that needs to be resisted.
Here's the deal. When a man or woman who has cheated attempts to lay out why they did what they did, it does more damage to the relationship to diss that reason they might give. Sure, maybe he or she is blame shifting. Maybe they are doing it without realizing it. Or, they may simply be trying to figure out the reasons it happened as well.
But if someone says they have a need that the spouse didn't fulfill, the answer isn't to diss the need since that is a real need that person is expressing. Just because it isn't a need you have, doesn't mean it isn't a valid need the other person has. The spouses job isn't to meet the needs he or she thinks his or her spouse has, but to meet the needs they express they have, no matter how petty you may think it is.
Any need any of us express is selfish. My wife needs me to help with the chores on occasion. I could suggest that my writing is more important, that her need is petty and she is just trying to get out of work. And I would be right to a degree. But that doesn't mean it isn't a valid need she has that I should meet anyway, simply because I love her. If she feels my love for her by meeting that need, it doesn't matter how important I think that need is.
So, yes, I need my ego stroked. And if she wants me to feel like she loves me, she had better meet that need. I'm not saying I'm going to go cheat on her if I don't get it. But it is still a valid need I have. I, however, simply call it respect. And if the respect isn't there, I don't have a workable relationship with her. For me to feel she loves me, I need to feel she respects me. And that means giving me ego strokes. It isn't shallow with me. It is essential if our marriage is going to work.
So next time you diss that need in your spouse, realize you are dissing your own needs that he or she may think is petty and selfish. And learn to allow them to put the value on their needs no matter how valuable they are or aren't to you. You'll have a stronger relationship if instead of dismissing our spouse's stated needs, we begin to meet them.
Just felt I needed to get that off my chest.
Have you read, "His Needs, Her Needs?" Would your spouse read it with you? It opened my eyes to several things. And I believe my wife's as well. It might help both of you to evaluate what is important to each other and how to best say "I love you" to each other.
@blind,
That could possibly happen. But knowing her and both our commitments to love each other in the ways we both understand it, I don't think it will end anytime soon. If it does, it will be because we allow ourselves to start drifting apart again. But if i have anything to say about it, she'll never have to beg me to come to the store with her again. She won't have to beg me to spend time with her again. Not now that I understand what that means to her and myself. We may have coasted through the last 29 years, but we're not coasting through the remaining years, however many that is. We both realize what a good thing we've got, and neither of us wants to risk losing that again.