Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi everyone,
I've never done this before but I need a fresh pairs of eyes. Sorry for the long post!!!
Last year was a year of hell. My father died early on of Covid.(after 12 years of taking care of him w Alzheimer) That same day my husband got laid off. My mother alsmost died in September and it was a 9 month process but is much better. This spring our teen son was hit by a truck-- he is much better thank God. Last October, I found 2 hook up apps on my husbands i tunes account. We have been married almost 29 years. We have family share and I was looking through to delete some apps on my devices, my kids had 80 apps downloaded. In that list I saw 2 apps had been downloaded in 2018 but they had been removed. The date stuck with me..it was downloaded 3 days after the most amazing European vacation, just he and I. But the app had been deleted from his phone, though the account still exists. I cant tell you what that did to me in that moment. I didn't say anything because his identity had been stolen a few years ago and I wanted to call Apple just to check this out. But they said apps of any kind don't just get downloaded, A few days later, I asked him about it and I was careful to come with a question first,, did you see this? He denied it was him and still does. We had a long conversation and swearing he would never cheat. I have to say in hindsight, I think I just put it out of my head because I had other immediate issues... until January.
Now after months of this up and down emotional roller coaster, I honestly don't know what to do. Jan-March we were very stressed. The one year mark came and went w his un employment- things looking better but....overall has not given me the transparency I need, reassure me or prove to me, if its not him, show me ( please! I know it was him!). even admit the apps were his. In addition, I found some deleted pics and little things I never paid attention to. I would bring it up then kind of just give up at that moment because of all the stress we/ he is under and after a huge fight where I asked for the big D.
My husband is a wonderful father, a good husband, we have 3 beautiful kids, he a good son in law.. He has said he loves me more in a year than the previous 5 years. He has spend most of last year workin on the house during the pandemic. We love each other and neither of us wants a divorce.. I truly don't. But this thing with the app and his not acknowledging my feelings really hursts. I told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him but not if I have to live with the uncertainty of future infidelity. Also, I don't actually know what he has done yet. We have put this on the back burner and its eating away at me. I started getting sick and realized why.. because I'm fooling myself about this infidelity.. I told him I need to see the app.. Nope
I always said cheating is a deal breaker., now I'm not sure it fits every situation. We have been though therapy but our therapist is lame and not at all accomidating. He recommended we go to our own individual therapists which I have been doing. He, no. But has been looking for one
After the day I asked for a Divorce he has laid it on thick with me, perfect husband and I wanted us to work this out (other health related things had happened to him over the years). I was told he is depressed and I agree but he has never gone for individual counseling. I have hired someone... but just recently because frankly I need some answers because he's giving me nothing. The person I hired said he doesn't see anything glaring and that he is probably very depressed. This person has 30 years experience and says it common for people to do stupid things, that women aren't the only ones that have menopause.. men get it too. he sialso said there is not long gap of absence at home. But now a days, people don't need to leave the house to cheat.
I have given him EVERYTHING. Most of all my fidelity and blind faith (never do that people). I feel I cannot make a decision about our future because I don't have a lot of information and like someone said on this group, I don't want to make a mistake... Should we maybe have a separation? Perhaps some time apart will give us space for clarity? Between looking for work, selling his parents property, finding new living arrangement.. I though maybe it would be good for us.. I don't know, I'm rambling but this really sucks..
I told him if he chooses to continues to deny everything, knowing that something else may come to the surface, then I will have my answer because then we will know he lied. I said I am still young, relatively attractive and I am fierce and I DO NOT DESERVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT HE IS GOING THROUGH and am prepared to divorce if there is more. The strangest thing for me personally, I have not cried at all. Not all year since before Covid. I feel numb..I wish I could cry......
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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I agree that it is infuriating when you have the evidence right there and the other person denies it, won't say how the apps got there, thinks that more "I love you's" will make this all go away and that you will just lay off of them and forget all about it. And yes, his silence is almost an admission of guilt.
But actions speak louder than words.
If he was just going through some curiosity thing, he would have just told you that. If nothing happened, he would be transparent in every way and happily show you his phone, computer, etc.
Him being out of work gives him more time to possibly be doing these things. I know you said it was first discovered in 2018. But keep an eye out for any new things that seem strange now that he is home more.
Sometimes.... when couples get together so young, as you two did, one or both people start to wonder who else is out there, what did I miss out on, is the grass greener with someone else. He may be feeling that he missed out on being with more women before getting married so young.
I agree that 29 years is a long time and that if he really truly is committed to this marriage, then he does need to get into individual counseling. Not "he's looking into it...." No. This has to be done. Now. He makes the appointment and he goes.
Continue with your own counseling. Whether you stay or go, you need some professional guidance into how to deal with all of these life changes you are dealing with, your huge losses in your life, and how to deal with all of your emotions.
Please know none of this was your fault. It had nothing to do with you. He chose to do this. He knew all too well what he was doing.
I can't say if this can be saved or not. It depends how dedicated he is to saving the marriage. He needs to get to counseling... like tomorrow.
Let us know how things go. Best wishes.
Is it possible that part of your unhappiness with the husband is that he is not employed and so money is tight? Do you feel he is not trying or is slacking off on his family responsibilities and it all falls on your shoulders?
Does your husband routinely lie and is he routinely self absorbed and lacks remorse when he hurts others? People who are all about themselves and who lie without remorse are difficult to live with as trust is often smashed to pieces by the lies and their lack of caring about others' feelings. Now he is being the so called perfect husband and this concerns me because it sounds like you think he is trying to fool you with this false self.
I wish you the best. I guess I would also say go to a divorce attorney and find out your rights and obligations should you decide to divorce. I think it is always helpful to know the legality of what one is dealing with.
I only discovered the apps 10 months ago but they had been downloaded in 2018. He is a good man. I spoke with an investigator yesterday and he said this will take time, Yes we married young and it’s interesting you say that because we all say that sometimes,,, what would it have been like. I feel that way sometimes but it has never temped me to stray. I travel (pre covid) about a dozen times a year and get hit on but never take the bait. Men truly do not care if a woman is married or not. What happened to the institution of marriage?
Yesterday he told me again he swears he has never cheated on me. I asked him what his definition of cheating was and he answered with what I would have said. In terms of his unemployment, We have always lived below our means so thankfully, we are hanging in in there but he is going crazy not being out their working. He and I are type A personalities so I understand what must be feeling..
The infidelity issue is something I’m not sure I can live with. I cannot have the nagging feeling in the back of my head…. I’ve already been through so much already. And yes the ball is in his court and I will wait and see what he does. He has agreed to go to a new therapist — I found one who specializes in trauma, infidelity ect in marriage. I don’t know, I’ve been thinking of a separation. Not just because our marriage needs it but he has to focus on himself and his career. He is not in a good place right now.. He is very depressed and has been for many years. But I am so very sad and down… I feel so numb actually, I can’t feel anything.
I have an attorney as well. BTW did I tell you I’m also in graduate school? I’m half way through. I love the learning and hope it will bring me more career opportunities
I I knew something drastic had changed in his life and I kept asking him to tell me what it was and as I mentioned it took about a year for him to finally confess.
It's not something that you want to wait a year to hear if you told me last year by this time we might be in a much better position but as it is the healing is only just now beginning because he finally confessed last week.
I responded because probably we all have certain things in common mind is that my fiance was depressed and ironically it was his affair that started his depression.
So once he admitted that aloud hes become a much better person more like the person that I fell in love with when we 1st met.
So I don't know if that helps you at all but he eventually finally fessed up.
And if it's possible for him to give you his phone and have you look at it all the time like I have to look at my boyfriend's your friend's now because now hes absolutely being on the straight and narrow a good boy and wants me to know that.
If I deleted his phone 2 weeks ago I'd seen stuff that I didn't want to see it you know what I'm saying.
Hopefully he will come to his senses and be completely honest because only an honesty is when the healing can begin you can't trust somebody who's not honest with you.
Even if you want to.