Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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doing the right thing

whatafool
whatafool
I have been struggling with so many things after discovering my wife was not faithful. In the begining after discovery I thought I had to try anything and everything to save my marriage as I still loved her and we had a family that deserved better and I was going to try to forgive and work on us as best I could. We did counseling for a very long time with many different counselors and would change mostly because my wife thought she was smarter than them and as soon as she could no longer manipulate them we would change. She said all the right things to me but the words had no meaning. All I ever asked her was to be honest with me but she can not and that is my biggest struggle of all. I slowly have given up and now am secretly planning to leave her and the date is coming very soon.

I just wanted to share one reason/situation why I know I am doing the right thing. We came home from work the other day and one of my daughters had a freind over swimming. Nice looking young man but just a friend so I am told. Never met this person and niether did my wife. I didn't pay to much attention to him and when I got home I had some things to do so I started working on them in the garage. My wife asked if I was going outside to meet this young man and I said I will wait til my daughter comes in and introduces him to us.

Now the part that just validates one reason why this is never going to work. I am in the garage and came back inside and my wife is outside talking to my daughter and meeting this young man. I didn't give it much thought until my wife came back inside. While I was out in the garage she went upstairs and changed her clothes into a low cut top showing her cleevage and did her hair and make-up and dressed slutty just to go outside and meet this person. I was stunned that she did that and this kid is propably 20-22 and my wife is 42 and had no business dressing like that. She had to go outside dressed like that to prove what? I would have not even thought twice about this had she just went out when we first came home and she went out dressed in her business attire and she looked fine just the way she was dressed but to go out of her way and change into a whore outfit just proves to me that I am doing the right thing and planning to divorce her.

This is just me venting but needed to get this out as I am stunned still of what my wife is capable of doing and just a matter of time before she cheats again because it is and always will be about her needing attention.
Cole50
Cole50
Rock, I think John was just going with what is healthy in a normal relationship. Which normally would be honesty. If whatafool were trying to rebuild, it would be more appropriate.

But obviously his wife's judgment is greatly impaired, driven by selfish desires over the well being of her husband and children. As long as she's lying and in that frame of mind, all that being honest with her would do at this point is to allow her to take advantage of him.

This is an example of the CS closing a window, the BS responds in kind. A healthy relationship requires *mutual* honesty. When one side isn't, it creates an unhealthy relationship that being honest by the other won't fix, but can get one taken advantage of.

John's new to this forum and experience. No need to go rough on him. None of us always give the perfect advice.
Learningskills
Learningskills
What: I think that you already tried to make an honest relationship with a dishonest person. I think you owe her nothing. You only answer to yourself at this point. If you think that keeping your decision to yourself is in your best interests, then it is. I think I've come to understand that I have both the right and the obligation to take care of myself. When a partner, or anyone for that matter, has only their personal interests in mind, and does not share in an honest desire to tend the relationship, then I must tend my own needs. And, since she is behaving as obviously as she is, then your reasoning seems right on target.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Cole & John
I could have said it differently, trust taken advantage of is not a relationship, trust broken breaks "the deal"
Restoring trust falls on the cheater
deleted_user
deleted_user
I love that you are dropping a "you cheated - I'm leaving" bomb on her. I am a bitter BH who regrets staying for the kids and my own fear of being alone. I'm always happy to see one of my ilk break the chains and make that dash for freedom! Best of luck.
whatafool
whatafool
drifter777, I too stayed for a very long time and I get no pleaseure out of leaving as I really wanted to make this work. I tried with everything in me but in the end she just can't come clean and I can't live like this anymore. I understand your regrets but you can look at it as you trying and giving it everything. I only wish my wife appreciated my effort but she doesn't and only wanted to move on and not deal with her issues and never will. This I am doing for me, myself, and I in order to save my own sanity. Long story with so many things to tell but in the end nothing will ever change in her and I can't live like this anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user
HMMM......Definite "RED FLAG" on the changing of clothes to meet a 20 year old. I am 41, and would never consider trying to impress a 20 year old. Let alone one that was dating my daughter? I can certainly understand if she was in her PJ's. I do not think you need to share your plans for divorcing her in the future. I agree you should make sure your ducks are in a row before you leave. I would have to say you are doing the right thing. When you are in the middle of the situation, it is much harder to see clearly what those around you see. Her behavior with the change of dress tells me pretty much everything there is to say. She is desperately looking for attention from others, and not trying to make her marriage work. Sorry for the heart ache your facing now. Just know that it does get easier over time.
Lstecker
Lstecker
Ugh, this stuff so sucks...that is positively ratchet.

What she did was really crappy and all. On the one hand, it showed you what you needed to know. On the other hand, it showed you what you needed to know.

Yeah, I said it like I meant it.

While this was hard to see and hard to digest and accept, the truth is always hard to see. But sometimes, seeing it is necessary.

I get it - I didn't like finding out that my H cheated on me, but I am thankful that I found out that my EX was cheating on me. I would rather know the truth than walk around looking downright frickin' silly.

Maybe you feel the same?

L~
whatafool
whatafool
The one positive, if you can call it that, is I tried and that was all I could do. Red flags have been there all along but I just didn't want to see them, who really wants to admit that you have been a fool for so many years. I thought our marriage was good and that is such a hard thing for me to understand and the way she used my trust in her was unbelievable. Never could imagine she could do the things she was but now reality hits and hit me really hard. I just have to understand she is who she is and she is who she wants to be and she just will not change and I can't make her change, that is something she will have to figure out herself.