Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been struggling with so many things after discovering my wife was not faithful. In the begining after discovery I thought I had to try anything and everything to save my marriage as I still loved her and we had a family that deserved better and I was going to try to forgive and work on us as best I could. We did counseling for a very long time with many different counselors and would change mostly because my wife thought she was smarter than them and as soon as she could no longer manipulate them we would change. She said all the right things to me but the words had no meaning. All I ever asked her was to be honest with me but she can not and that is my biggest struggle of all. I slowly have given up and now am secretly planning to leave her and the date is coming very soon.
I just wanted to share one reason/situation why I know I am doing the right thing. We came home from work the other day and one of my daughters had a freind over swimming. Nice looking young man but just a friend so I am told. Never met this person and niether did my wife. I didn't pay to much attention to him and when I got home I had some things to do so I started working on them in the garage. My wife asked if I was going outside to meet this young man and I said I will wait til my daughter comes in and introduces him to us.
Now the part that just validates one reason why this is never going to work. I am in the garage and came back inside and my wife is outside talking to my daughter and meeting this young man. I didn't give it much thought until my wife came back inside. While I was out in the garage she went upstairs and changed her clothes into a low cut top showing her cleevage and did her hair and make-up and dressed slutty just to go outside and meet this person. I was stunned that she did that and this kid is propably 20-22 and my wife is 42 and had no business dressing like that. She had to go outside dressed like that to prove what? I would have not even thought twice about this had she just went out when we first came home and she went out dressed in her business attire and she looked fine just the way she was dressed but to go out of her way and change into a whore outfit just proves to me that I am doing the right thing and planning to divorce her.
This is just me venting but needed to get this out as I am stunned still of what my wife is capable of doing and just a matter of time before she cheats again because it is and always will be about her needing attention.
I just wanted to share one reason/situation why I know I am doing the right thing. We came home from work the other day and one of my daughters had a freind over swimming. Nice looking young man but just a friend so I am told. Never met this person and niether did my wife. I didn't pay to much attention to him and when I got home I had some things to do so I started working on them in the garage. My wife asked if I was going outside to meet this young man and I said I will wait til my daughter comes in and introduces him to us.
Now the part that just validates one reason why this is never going to work. I am in the garage and came back inside and my wife is outside talking to my daughter and meeting this young man. I didn't give it much thought until my wife came back inside. While I was out in the garage she went upstairs and changed her clothes into a low cut top showing her cleevage and did her hair and make-up and dressed slutty just to go outside and meet this person. I was stunned that she did that and this kid is propably 20-22 and my wife is 42 and had no business dressing like that. She had to go outside dressed like that to prove what? I would have not even thought twice about this had she just went out when we first came home and she went out dressed in her business attire and she looked fine just the way she was dressed but to go out of her way and change into a whore outfit just proves to me that I am doing the right thing and planning to divorce her.
This is just me venting but needed to get this out as I am stunned still of what my wife is capable of doing and just a matter of time before she cheats again because it is and always will be about her needing attention.
Best wishes, and I hope everything turns out okay for you and your son.
On that note, if I were in your shoes and saw her behave that way, I would take her behaviour as a red flag. Also, I would take her behaviour during counseling as a red flag too. I think that someone who thinks of themselves too highly to listen to a therapist during counseling is a good indicator of their character and how much empathy they have towards other people. I mean, the counselor is there to be a neutral third party to help you sort out your issues. To me, it seems like she has trouble trying to understand how you feel after her cheating and sounds like she has trouble accepting responsibility for her actions. I could be wrong, but from what you wrote I read it that way.
Silver, there were so many red flags for years but I just didn't want to believe them, the the fool in me thinking not my wife or for that matter, this couldn't happen to me. I always have had a sense of pride, morals, and family values and never did I want to turn around and see my wife for what she has always been. Looking back the past 22 years, whatafool I have been. My wife isn't the person I thought she was and she never has been. She is, was, and will be a cheater and nothing I do can change her or save our marriage. I can only choose to not be abused anymore. Believe it or not, I still love her very much but I need to love myself more and be a good father and not worry about being a husband. I hate, and I mean hate that i could not get past this but "THIS" had nothing to do with me and I choose not to be abused anymore.
It's so hard to heed the warning signs when you are in the mix of it all and don't want to think or believe they would do some of the things they end up being capable of doing. For me, it was only when I got out of the weeds of it that I was able to truly and clearly see how incredibly different he ended up showing himself to be vs. the man I fell in love with. Just wow. Smh.
And the sad thing is, they'll take those defects and that (usually) cyclical behavior and move on to their next victim in due time.
I'm glad you are keeping it on the down low too about leaving. She deserves nothing more from you in that sense. Time to get your ducks in a row and do what you can to protect yourself along with the kids.
After the cheating and failed efforts of getting it back right, it is painful journey. We go through too many lows than highs day out n night. In this situation if you have gathered yourself to a decision point, it is in itself achievement. It is not easy to decide either.
In my case, my husband cheated and didn't feel genuine sorry for so long. It was his wrong but it was my wrong too.. because he could easily see I was still emotionally attached and dependent. I felt it was my behavior too which gave him that confidence and I'd felt bad about it.
It was only when I started thinking and doing things for myself -small or big, taking my own decisions, acting on my decisions, gave me confidence and helped me put myself back together.
We really need to work towards ourselves. If we are not integrated we can't do much - neither to ourselves nor to anybody else.
So whatever it takes to put you together it is fine.
As you can probably tell, I was a victim of abuse at some point in my life and I am completely against any type of abuse. I've been through what you are now going through, and I know it takes a lot of time, effort, and work to realize this.
Nothing related to trust
Fool me once shame on you, I love you enough to let you fool me twice shame on me,
And now johntn you tell me that I gotta keep letting fool me
You got some splaining to do lucy
It does suck when you give them a second chance after infidelity and they squander it. But sometimes "giving someone a second chance is like giving them a loaded gun because they missed you the first time."
I tried the reconciliation route for 3 years of my precious life. Total.waste. of. my. time! Live and learn though. I went the route you went too. When I realized that I was done with the ex. I didn't tell him until my ducks were in a row.Those ducks included a lawyer to make sure he wasn't hiding assets or spending them on the old or potentially new affair partner. Little known fact is that you can recuperate any lost assets in an affair-even in a no fault state.
Lawyer up buddy! Document any proof you have that you're the more responsible parent too so you can at the very least get shared custody.
She won't see it coming-they rarely do. Mine was completely blindsided which I figured I owed him anyway since he blindsided me with the affair. He also thought that he was entitled to our reconciliation and my forgiveness. Not so much.
Good luck!
Again, I have a very long story to tell but probably a story told many times by many of us. In the end it only matters how we learn from it and I have learned the hard way to not be so trusting in a person who showed me who she was a long time ago. Now I belive her for what she is, was, and will be, that is a very good liar, a very good cheater, and a person who only cares about herself. I still have a hard time trying to forgive myself for not wanting to believe she could do this but I believe it now and there is not help for her and I can only help myself.
I hope she's got better role models; do you have a sister?
Thank you for your concern and that has always been my greatest fear of how this affects them.