Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Do they ever understand how you feel. My wife and I had an arguement and would like your take on this if I am being an ass or my wife just doesn't get it. We have been dealing with her having 2 affairs and it has been 2 years since discovery of one of her affairs and slow trickling of the truth and her prior affair slowly coming out. Counseling, and doing whatever it takes to stay married.
Now the arguement. She told me she was going out to dinner the next day with the girls to a restaurant and I had a problem with that because it was a bar/restaurant that she previously went to meet her lover. I am not a pushover by no means but I am also not a person who is going to say no you can't go because I am never going to live my life telling another person how to live thiers. I just assumed she would understand how it made me feel. She became extremely confrontational about this and yelled and screamed like a little kid and diverting blame back to me and telling me I have issues. She can't keep living like this she yells and at that point I just listen. I tell her exactly why I am pissed about this and she just doesn't care. The next morning we are driving to work and she tells me "what is wrong", not ask, tells me. I tell her I do not like the fact that she is going to dinner with her freinds at a place she used to meet her boyfriend and again she flips out. We argue all the way to work and I drop her off and yet again she yells "you have issues".
After about 2 hours I get a text and she says she is sorry and understands why I am acting the way I am. She also changes the restaurant to make me feel better. It was a restaurant without a bar and a true restaurant. I drive her there after work as we commute to and from work and one of her friends will drive her home so I drop her off so it wasn't like she was meeting a man and I also said hellow to her group. It was around 5 p.m. and off I go home to do some things with the kids as we are having a movie night with some of their friends.
I am busy at home setting up the projector outside and feeding my son and getting snacks and things ready for our guests. Around 8 p.m. I am getting uncomfortable about my wife being out to dinner for 3 hours. I call and she doesn't answer. That really upsets me because that was what she did while in the middle of her affairs and not answer my calls. Her phone never leaves her side except when I try to call. She calls back around 45 minutes later and says she is jut getting finished and didn't hear my call. I am upset and tell her I would have thought she would have a little more understanding to not answer her phone.
The next morning I am still upset, not mad, more hurt so I ask her if I can talk to her and have her just listen. I told her how it made me feel with her going out with the girls and then not answering her phone or at least giving me some thought and letting me know she is going to be late. 4 hours for dinner is a long time and not really my point. My point is don't you have any understanding of how it makes me feel when you are running late and I can't get a hold of you and there is no excuse for not picking up you cell phone and letting me know you are going to be late.
What I expected from her was for her to say I am sorry and I understand. What I got was excuses like we didn't get seated until 6, one of her freinds was running late, her other friends mom showed up, she didn't realize how late it really was, she had to wait for one of her freinds to be picked up.
Now my question to you is am I just being an ass for letting her know how it makes me feel, do I have insecuirty issues, was I out of line or does she still not understand how I feel.
Now the arguement. She told me she was going out to dinner the next day with the girls to a restaurant and I had a problem with that because it was a bar/restaurant that she previously went to meet her lover. I am not a pushover by no means but I am also not a person who is going to say no you can't go because I am never going to live my life telling another person how to live thiers. I just assumed she would understand how it made me feel. She became extremely confrontational about this and yelled and screamed like a little kid and diverting blame back to me and telling me I have issues. She can't keep living like this she yells and at that point I just listen. I tell her exactly why I am pissed about this and she just doesn't care. The next morning we are driving to work and she tells me "what is wrong", not ask, tells me. I tell her I do not like the fact that she is going to dinner with her freinds at a place she used to meet her boyfriend and again she flips out. We argue all the way to work and I drop her off and yet again she yells "you have issues".
After about 2 hours I get a text and she says she is sorry and understands why I am acting the way I am. She also changes the restaurant to make me feel better. It was a restaurant without a bar and a true restaurant. I drive her there after work as we commute to and from work and one of her friends will drive her home so I drop her off so it wasn't like she was meeting a man and I also said hellow to her group. It was around 5 p.m. and off I go home to do some things with the kids as we are having a movie night with some of their friends.
I am busy at home setting up the projector outside and feeding my son and getting snacks and things ready for our guests. Around 8 p.m. I am getting uncomfortable about my wife being out to dinner for 3 hours. I call and she doesn't answer. That really upsets me because that was what she did while in the middle of her affairs and not answer my calls. Her phone never leaves her side except when I try to call. She calls back around 45 minutes later and says she is jut getting finished and didn't hear my call. I am upset and tell her I would have thought she would have a little more understanding to not answer her phone.
The next morning I am still upset, not mad, more hurt so I ask her if I can talk to her and have her just listen. I told her how it made me feel with her going out with the girls and then not answering her phone or at least giving me some thought and letting me know she is going to be late. 4 hours for dinner is a long time and not really my point. My point is don't you have any understanding of how it makes me feel when you are running late and I can't get a hold of you and there is no excuse for not picking up you cell phone and letting me know you are going to be late.
What I expected from her was for her to say I am sorry and I understand. What I got was excuses like we didn't get seated until 6, one of her freinds was running late, her other friends mom showed up, she didn't realize how late it really was, she had to wait for one of her freinds to be picked up.
Now my question to you is am I just being an ass for letting her know how it makes me feel, do I have insecuirty issues, was I out of line or does she still not understand how I feel.
Let me explain a little.
I do NOT think you are a beta, or weak man because your wife cheated. I ALSO do not think you are less of a man because of the PRE-affair dynamics.
I was focusing on your behavior AFTER the affair, which IMO is WAY to passive.
She basically shit on you in her most recent escapade and you explored her to be more considerate. This is NOT a good strategy IMO, and unfortunately, there ARE strategies that must be employed to combat her ridiculous POST affair behavior.
Yes, I wanted to SHAKE you into not accepting ONE MORE SECOND of her selfish behavior.
Remember, I too got cheated on. However,...AFTER the discovery ......I showed her that I will not accept ANY bullshit.
Yes, I know my verbal style comes off like I am an Axxhole, but I want to help you.
Also, I personally had to learn how to convey my feelings without attacking. It sounds like you did a good job of expressing your feelings without being accusatory, but I still would be careful of wording.
Just be mindful of how you're presenting things. There were times when I would get very angry/hostile when trying to tell my husband I was uncomfortable with a choice he wanted to make, and I didn't even realize it until he'd say, "Geeze, why are you so MAD at me?" Which would only make me more angry, because DUH WHY DO YOU THINK I AM MAD YOU DUMMY HEAD!!? :)
When I do training on how to manage groups of youth, I play a game with the adults. I go around the room to each adult and say, "Don't put your hands there! Don't put your hands there! DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS THERE! STOP PUTTING YOUR HANDS THERE!!" I get more and more loud/aggressive as I go around the room until the frustration/discomfort level has built up a little. At that point I stop and say: "OK everyone put both hands up in the air as high as you can." When they do I say, "Geeze, why didn't you guys just do that to begin with!?"
The point? Be clear and concise in your expectations and the behavior/choices you want from her. Communication between EVERYONE is the same, not just kids. You gotta tell people what you DO want, not just what you don't want. Telling your wife that you'd be more comfortable with her going to a restaurant without a bar, or a place where she hadn't gone with OM is perfectly ok and necessary for her to understand what it is you DO want from her.
At any rate letting her know what your boundaries are and what you're OK with is NOT being an ass. It's being a loving partner and coaching her into making YOU happier/safer/more comfortable.