Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Do they ever understand how you feel. My wife and I had an arguement and would like your take on this if I am being an ass or my wife just doesn't get it. We have been dealing with her having 2 affairs and it has been 2 years since discovery of one of her affairs and slow trickling of the truth and her prior affair slowly coming out. Counseling, and doing whatever it takes to stay married.
Now the arguement. She told me she was going out to dinner the next day with the girls to a restaurant and I had a problem with that because it was a bar/restaurant that she previously went to meet her lover. I am not a pushover by no means but I am also not a person who is going to say no you can't go because I am never going to live my life telling another person how to live thiers. I just assumed she would understand how it made me feel. She became extremely confrontational about this and yelled and screamed like a little kid and diverting blame back to me and telling me I have issues. She can't keep living like this she yells and at that point I just listen. I tell her exactly why I am pissed about this and she just doesn't care. The next morning we are driving to work and she tells me "what is wrong", not ask, tells me. I tell her I do not like the fact that she is going to dinner with her freinds at a place she used to meet her boyfriend and again she flips out. We argue all the way to work and I drop her off and yet again she yells "you have issues".
After about 2 hours I get a text and she says she is sorry and understands why I am acting the way I am. She also changes the restaurant to make me feel better. It was a restaurant without a bar and a true restaurant. I drive her there after work as we commute to and from work and one of her friends will drive her home so I drop her off so it wasn't like she was meeting a man and I also said hellow to her group. It was around 5 p.m. and off I go home to do some things with the kids as we are having a movie night with some of their friends.
I am busy at home setting up the projector outside and feeding my son and getting snacks and things ready for our guests. Around 8 p.m. I am getting uncomfortable about my wife being out to dinner for 3 hours. I call and she doesn't answer. That really upsets me because that was what she did while in the middle of her affairs and not answer my calls. Her phone never leaves her side except when I try to call. She calls back around 45 minutes later and says she is jut getting finished and didn't hear my call. I am upset and tell her I would have thought she would have a little more understanding to not answer her phone.
The next morning I am still upset, not mad, more hurt so I ask her if I can talk to her and have her just listen. I told her how it made me feel with her going out with the girls and then not answering her phone or at least giving me some thought and letting me know she is going to be late. 4 hours for dinner is a long time and not really my point. My point is don't you have any understanding of how it makes me feel when you are running late and I can't get a hold of you and there is no excuse for not picking up you cell phone and letting me know you are going to be late.
What I expected from her was for her to say I am sorry and I understand. What I got was excuses like we didn't get seated until 6, one of her freinds was running late, her other friends mom showed up, she didn't realize how late it really was, she had to wait for one of her freinds to be picked up.
Now my question to you is am I just being an ass for letting her know how it makes me feel, do I have insecuirty issues, was I out of line or does she still not understand how I feel.
Now the arguement. She told me she was going out to dinner the next day with the girls to a restaurant and I had a problem with that because it was a bar/restaurant that she previously went to meet her lover. I am not a pushover by no means but I am also not a person who is going to say no you can't go because I am never going to live my life telling another person how to live thiers. I just assumed she would understand how it made me feel. She became extremely confrontational about this and yelled and screamed like a little kid and diverting blame back to me and telling me I have issues. She can't keep living like this she yells and at that point I just listen. I tell her exactly why I am pissed about this and she just doesn't care. The next morning we are driving to work and she tells me "what is wrong", not ask, tells me. I tell her I do not like the fact that she is going to dinner with her freinds at a place she used to meet her boyfriend and again she flips out. We argue all the way to work and I drop her off and yet again she yells "you have issues".
After about 2 hours I get a text and she says she is sorry and understands why I am acting the way I am. She also changes the restaurant to make me feel better. It was a restaurant without a bar and a true restaurant. I drive her there after work as we commute to and from work and one of her friends will drive her home so I drop her off so it wasn't like she was meeting a man and I also said hellow to her group. It was around 5 p.m. and off I go home to do some things with the kids as we are having a movie night with some of their friends.
I am busy at home setting up the projector outside and feeding my son and getting snacks and things ready for our guests. Around 8 p.m. I am getting uncomfortable about my wife being out to dinner for 3 hours. I call and she doesn't answer. That really upsets me because that was what she did while in the middle of her affairs and not answer my calls. Her phone never leaves her side except when I try to call. She calls back around 45 minutes later and says she is jut getting finished and didn't hear my call. I am upset and tell her I would have thought she would have a little more understanding to not answer her phone.
The next morning I am still upset, not mad, more hurt so I ask her if I can talk to her and have her just listen. I told her how it made me feel with her going out with the girls and then not answering her phone or at least giving me some thought and letting me know she is going to be late. 4 hours for dinner is a long time and not really my point. My point is don't you have any understanding of how it makes me feel when you are running late and I can't get a hold of you and there is no excuse for not picking up you cell phone and letting me know you are going to be late.
What I expected from her was for her to say I am sorry and I understand. What I got was excuses like we didn't get seated until 6, one of her freinds was running late, her other friends mom showed up, she didn't realize how late it really was, she had to wait for one of her freinds to be picked up.
Now my question to you is am I just being an ass for letting her know how it makes me feel, do I have insecuirty issues, was I out of line or does she still not understand how I feel.
for me.. we have luckily got to the point where he knows he needs to be texting me or something while he is out with the guys. he knows I'm at home stressing out, worrying something bad will happen again. a lot of the time he just invites me to go out with him and the guys but I know guys need guy time and girls need girl time.
there are probably a ton of legit reasons why her dinner could have run late... but there isn't one for why she didn't at least text you to let you know or to show you that you were on her mind.
o and you probably do have some insecurity issues... but that's because of the things she did and she should be helping you deal with those, not getting pissed off at you for having them.
She is cheating and you the one who is:
Home feeding the kids
Requesting she be more sensitive to your feelings
Wondering where she is
If you don't get MACHO on her ass, you will turn into something you don't want to be.
Lay down the law ASAP setting rules, boundaries, and ultimatums.
Please don't let this woman do this to you.
Now once the ground work of solid communication and understanding on both sides is put down, that is when the situations will become less confrontational.
I went trough all of this as well.
It is amazing how they like to return to the scene of the crime.
Maybe they like to feel slutty? Maybe they like to feel dirty?
I mean getting screwed in the ally of a grocery store....WTF? Getting bent over in a dirty disgusting place.....
All I asked is that she find another grocery store to go to.
There are dozens within a few miles of us, but that is her store.
She says she knows where everything is, I of course ask/tell her....
What, the condom aisle? They all have condom aisle.
always predictable. I think these cheaters count on that.
On the positive side, she did say she was sorry, she did change the restaurant. That was big probably, for her. Thank her. Reinforce that.
It does seem like you are the one doing all the work to keep this together. Me, too! Maybe that is because we are the stronger ones, who knows . . . !
I say, keep talking when you are both calm. Tell her what you expect from her. Tell her what you need from her. But also let her
know that this is it. Two affairs is two too many. It's time for her
to appreciate YOU. And stop being so predictable. Let her handle the kids and YOU go out with the guys.
Good luck!
Blindside, I understand what you are trying to say but you need to be a little less direct with your idea of what a Man is. Maybe I should just start slapping her around because I can't control her or telling her to go screw anyone she wants because I am so unMACHO and will not do anything but sit in the corner and cry about what she did. Never call a man out for trying to be a good father.
I think my point of all this was to see if my own insecurities are now creating more problems and maybe grasping that my wife has no idea of how to understand how I feel when she still thinks she isn't doing anything wrong.
You allow people to treat you the way they do! I do not think you are asking anything that anyone else would not.
Good luck to you both!
I do not think you are weak at all. Actually you are just the opposite for staying and trying to work it out. I also stayed for 5 yrs after the first and 6 mths after the 2nd for the same reasons as you. You are strong person and sometimes you can get thru it and some times you can't. But if you tell her how you feel and she still does not care or try to make it easier for you I really do feel you have blinders on if you stay.
Anywho, I think your W knows she can "get away with it" because she did. Twice. Twice she had affairs, and twice you took her back.
In all these stories I read about people reconciling, it seems this issue of the CS being available on the phone or text every minute for the BS is a biggie. At this pt, you have told her this. Many times.
She seems to regard your feelings with little to no sensitivity. But, like I said, she also cheated twice and got taken back, so maybe she doesn't see where she HAS to be more sensitive?
believe me it has taken everything in me to stay with her and my commitment to my family and the vow I made when we got married, I take seriously, Yes, I am sure she has used that against me for the man I am but I am not going to change who I am to try to prove a point and become more of an ass just to stoop down to where she was.
I am not sure even after this long I am going to make it and more and more I am seeing signs that are telling me we are not going to make it. I may be a fool for my belief in vows and commitments but I am not stupid to the fact of who she is. If I leave I want to never have to look back and say I didn't try and leave knowing I did everything I could to make my marriage work. I never wanted to be divorced and love life as a family man, father, and husband but didn't expect of frankly deserve this.
That was my goal as well. If it failed, I wanted to say I tried.
I wouldn't use ultimatums. But establish boundaries and let her know what the consequences of crossing/staying crossed is? Yes. She needs to know what responses you'll have to her actions.
To your question, given the fragile trust she should be trying to rebuild, she should be eager to sooth your pains due to issues she inflicted on you. Off course you have issues. I still have issues at times, and I'm doing quite well after two years. No one comes away from the trauma of learning you're best friend and lover betrayed you behind your back, stole your love and gave it to someone else, without incurring issues like what you are having.
That said, you may be using techniques good for a cooperative CS on an uncooperative CS, which don't tend to work. If she is unwilling to open her life and heart to you, then perhaps she needs to feel a "coldness" coming from you. To put it in Shirley Glass terms (author of "Not 'Just Friends'), if she closes a window, you close a window. If she opens one up, you open one up. It might do some good to read my article on the 180:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3932216
If she's serous about wanting to rebuild, have her get and read: "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful" by Linda MacDonald. It may help her get it and know what to do. Best case scenario, she is lost on how to "fix" this. If so, reading that book will help her tons. If she's not committed to rebuilding, she'll avoid reading it, or if she does, will ignore it.
L~
The book cole mentions seems to be great for the cs who doesn't do all the right things and tries to minimize their bs feelings. I've never read it but my H (although he deffinately wasn't perfect during rebuild) tried very hard to undrestand my feelings or atleast respect them and completely allow me to express them whenever I needed to and still does.
She needs to wake the hell up and see the big picture.