I know what you are saying. I thought there was no way he would EVER do something like this. Shows how STUPID I was.
He's trying I think I'm trying but I don't know somedays.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!
I WANT THIS SHIT TO GO AWAY!!!!!!
Its as if someone has died and I have no grave to go and grieve.

Yes I think that but try not to dwell, and sad to say that I think that I would be better off.

I was raised to honor my commitments / promises as well as care for my child.

In my assesment, I had no other choice but to stick it out. The emotional cost to me is and has been very high.

One of my conselors said that he hopes that (given my path choice) that I don't turn into a bitter old man. I can see his point and not sure how it is going to work out for me BUT my daughter will have the support and love that she needs!

Yeah I think about it now and then but the I decide that's not productive since I choose to remain together. The fact of the matter is our marriage wasn't so great before her A. We were more like roommates, no spark between us. Yeah I take my share of the blame for that but I also tried to get her to help change that situation. I would tell her I felt like a live-in handyman/manservant. She spent way too much time on her job (both at work and socially afterward) and herself. My job allows for more freedom so I was able to carry the slack but it got to the point where,one she resented me for doing so much and two, she took advantage of the situation. Then her friendship with this guy from her work turned into an EA and things began to go downhill worse.

Long story short is things are better now than before her A. Are they where I want them to be no but our relationship is a lot better. I guess in a twisted way it took hitting rock bottom with her A to make her see her other shortcomings and for us to deal with our other issues.

Would I be better off seperated or divorced today? Probably not due to financial situations. The strain on the kids would be rough too. The main thing is now I refuse to be treated the way I was in the past and things are better than before the A. All I can hope for is tomorrow is better than today and today is better than yesterday. For the most part things are headed in that direction.

I really understand the lock and key you mention. Those were my thoughts too. I never believed in that fate stuff, but when we met I thought that no 2 people ever needed to find each other like we did, that no matter what stain there was, beneath it all we are locked in a true bond that could never be broken. wat a dumbass i am. 40 year old man believing in fairy tales.

When my husband told me about his affairs. The first thing I had said to him was "NO YOU DIDN'T YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME!!" this was in june 2007...His last affair was in 2003 well I was visiting home. If anything had been going on when I was told I would have left him in a heartbeat regardless of any feelings I had for him.

We are "rebuilding" thinga are going good. he really is trying and I believe he is remorseful. But I don't love him like I did. Before I had such a strong passionate love for him. I would have died for him. Now I would push him in front of the train first. My marriage that I had is DEAD!! My husband killed it. Now we are starting over. New rings everything.I can't even look at my wedding band, Don't get me wrong I still love him with all my heart but he lost so much and will never get it back...His loss.

I know if I had left I would be fine. If I had left I would not have had any regrets. I wanted to make sure of my feeling that's why my husband knew that I could leave at any time. In one day in one year in 10 years. I want to be sure it's right for me.

I am glad I didn't leave because he really is working hard on this and I see now what his hang ups had been, he was the Billy-Bad-ASS type of guy, wanting to take care of the damsel in distress...Because I could take care of my self he couldn't fool me with that oh poor baby thing. His choices had been low life easy target Damsels in distress that boosted his ego.

I have been with my h for 15 years. He has cheated more than once, the first time (that I know of) was while I was out of state with my father who was dying. I have separated from him several times but I always have gone back. I am still not happy the way I was pre affair. I no longer trust him and question to my self everything he says. We do have good times, not a lot though. I spend most of my time wondering what if. It is a little death to know that your partner can so casually replace you in his/her bed. To never have the ultimate confidence that I am the only woman for him and he would never be with someone else. I understand exactly what you're going through cause I am still there and it's been almost 5 years since the last time. I don't know if the wound will ever heal. ~~Sandy~~

Shoulda, woulda, coulda! Still do!!! Still might!!!

I'm putting everything I have in rebuilding the marriage. I think h's needs are being met. Mine are still in question.

I know my son only has two more years of highschool and at that time I will re-evaluate the situation.

Prayers to us ALL!

OMG...Years32 has stated exactly how I feel! I feel like I am living someone elses life & not my own! I'm role playing in a play that I don't want to be in & can't stop the play. I died, my life died but I'm still here living each day; just going thru the motions without happiness & without joy. No relief, no peace.....xoxoE

I "what if" everyday, wishing that I had not done the things I have, hurt the people that I have, shamed my family, and truly devastating my wife.

Absoltutely I have thought about!! Let's see for me the children are all grown, sell the house I get half, I would go for half of his pension(good money that I can collect for as long as we were married so I would get that until I am 87 years old). The only negative for me would have been the health insurance. Finding and paying for a new health care provider now would be expensive.

The only good that came out of this A is that he has a W now that doesn't put up with any of his bull s##t. I want to go somewhere I go if he wants to come he's more than welcome. I quit all the yard work and he's now in charge of it All. He washes his truck he has to wash my car. I did everything around this home and for our children. When he didn't work on weekends he had absolutely nothing to do at home because I had it done so he could rest for the weekend. Not anymore.

This A opened pandoras box for him. He now see's a W that has NO PROBLEM communicating her wants or her needs. I had a H who was controling when it came to himself. What ever he wanted or needed he got. The knowledge of this A has now given me a H that can not control me but he also has a W now who found her voice. He also knows that I am willing to rebuild, but he also knows that at anytime that I can't get the A out of my head or I can't forgive him I will be gone. Time is my need and he knows it.

You said that you have never loved a man the way you love your H, but you don't know if that's enough. Remember he crushed the love you had. To keep me going is this. The man I married was a cheater. The woman he married was submissive, and could be controled. Now the communication and attentiveness I get now is the man I thought I married and now he has the W he thought he married. I speak my mind, I tell him my wants and needs. I no longer sit back and allow him to dictate over me. Working great now and I have to say we both smile so much more now. Sure the A pops into my head but I tell him as soon as they do. He has to listen to the triggers that do that to me with no questions asked. He caused this W to become part of our lives with out my permission so now he has to learn to deal with the outcome!!!

I have a quote on my email that goes along these lines.

IF I loved you while you were unfaithful, WHAT would have happened if you were true? Jean Rancine.

I definitely have had those thoughts and every so often it does pop into my head. More like..'Why didn't I make him move out...why didn't we separate...why didn't I just see what being without him felt like?' But honestly...we had a great marriage b4 things got difficult and then he cheated. So there was a good foundation to rebuild on. AND probably the biggest thing was his complete and total honesty about the affair and his unending desire to earn my trust again. If he was the least bit unwilling I couldn't have seen me staying. But the thoughts do pop up in my head and after a brief head check...I know I made the right decision.

Anyway...we did 6 months of intense counselling and I can say that it was worth it to remain in this marriage. We are very happy overall and we have 3 wonderful children who are blessed their parents still love one another and believe in each other. I can't say I will ever trust him 100% like I blindly did before ..because now I know him to be human...but I also know how we together have to nuture our marriage so we don't end up down the same road that made us both unhappy.

If your husband hasn't made significant efforts and changes to repair the relationship with you...then YES...I would wonder constantly why I did stay and if I should still remain.

Leany struck a chord with me about my turnabout in communication skills. So funny but this whole thing has had a silver lining in that I now have the "trump card" and it's not that I am using it, but the fact that he knows it, that makes the difference. He has been so loving and kind. We are communicating as equals now! Before he pretty much dominated and made all the decisions. Now he actually talks to me about things, and really wants to please me!

Well, this may be funny, seeing as I am all divorced for about 3 years now, but I did try to work it all out with my ex -- even after the ink was well dried on my divorce papers.

I did move back home for a few months and tried like hell to make it all work out, but all the same stuff started happening again and again. It was doubly hard to leave again. Hated it. But I knew she was still around - this OW - and he was just not a strong enough person to put a true end to it -- and I left him twice.

So, do I wonder what would have been if I left him? I did. I am living it. Do I wonder what would have happened if I tried to work it all out with him? I have the answer to that one too.

At this point, maybe it's better that I do have those answers for myself.

For those who wish to stay and work it all out, I give you much credit. It was just something that I couldn't do -- the sting was just too deep.

I do wish you reconcilers the very best.

Hi Tanjat,

I know exactly what you are saying... I wish I had made the decision to leave at the time of finding out about the affair but I was scared. Looking back at that awful time, it would have been a scary time for me if I had left, but I would have made it through and perhaps on the road to a total recovery.

Alas, I am still here but the marriage is very different to what we once had. I have resumed by career and very successfully (now in a management role) and really enjoying my work. Ironically, it is my H who craves our old life pre affair but my attitude towards him has changed so much. I am very nonchalant in my approach to him and I don't do as many things for him now as I once did.

So now I think because I am no longer the same person, then perhaps I should have left and recovered alone. Now I am finding it harder to leave because I the time I have left it. Does that make sense?