Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Taking a step back and looking at the reality of did I make the right choice. My wife had two affiars that I know of but I believe there was more. I made a choice to work on staying married and have been working on this for 2 years since the discovery of the first affair.
During these past 2 years I have to ask myself what has changed. I honestly believe she isn't cheating now but did she come to me and give me the truth, no. I had to discover her affiars in the worst ways. After her lies, denial, and blame she could no longer deny her affair when i discovered the detailed emails, facebook, nude photos and call logs. Then it was trying everything and anything to get validation from marriage counselors to justify her behavior. Call it marriage counselor shopping trying to find the right one who would listen to her stories and lies. Then still knowing she was lying I looked at old credit card reciepts she had in a storage container to find out about the previous affair she was hiding. Thousands of dollars she spent flying to meet and paying for hotels. I even felt bad prior to knowing about her affairs that she was having money issues and i paid off one of the credit cards she was using as we have always had seperate accounts and now I know why she insisted we do that. Still so many lies that she still will not come clean with and to many to actually write about.
Then while telling me I have to forgive her if we are going to get past this, she continued to feed me little bits and pieces to still hide what she has done. Yes, "I did say telling me", she has never asked for forgiveness as if it has to be given in order for us to get past this. The sense of entitlement without asking. Forgiveness would come so easily if I knew what I was forgiving.
Now I am going to sound shallow but it must be said. My wife looked very good while she was off having her affairs the past few year and keeping herself up getting her nails done, hair done, working out, shaved, and keeping up in the newest trends in clothing. Spent alot of money always trying to out do her friends. I even was feeding this buying her gifts knowing this made her happy. Gucci purses, glasses, boots, BMW convertable, and even upgraded her wedding ring because again it made her happy to have the finer things in life. It made me feel good that I could give those things to her. Now the reality and the shallow part of me for saying this. She has let herself go, gained 60lbs and doesn't keep herself up the way she did during her affairs. Sorry again for this but I i feel like crap because it makes me feel like she kept herself up for other men and now she treats me like it doesn't matter anymore because who does she have to look good for now. I still love her no matter how she looks but feeling like she doesn't care enough for me and has let herself go and doesn't care.
She still acts like I need to just get over this and stop talking about it and stop questioning her lies because she has no answers for them. it isn't like I am even questioning her about it, she has always had that attitude towards this and that has never changed. The only way I even discovered all of this was because of my intuition she was lying. The problem is my intuition still knows she is lying and she just wants me to forget about it, not talk about it, and move on past it even after 2 years.
So my question to ponder is, did I make the right choice.
During these past 2 years I have to ask myself what has changed. I honestly believe she isn't cheating now but did she come to me and give me the truth, no. I had to discover her affiars in the worst ways. After her lies, denial, and blame she could no longer deny her affair when i discovered the detailed emails, facebook, nude photos and call logs. Then it was trying everything and anything to get validation from marriage counselors to justify her behavior. Call it marriage counselor shopping trying to find the right one who would listen to her stories and lies. Then still knowing she was lying I looked at old credit card reciepts she had in a storage container to find out about the previous affair she was hiding. Thousands of dollars she spent flying to meet and paying for hotels. I even felt bad prior to knowing about her affairs that she was having money issues and i paid off one of the credit cards she was using as we have always had seperate accounts and now I know why she insisted we do that. Still so many lies that she still will not come clean with and to many to actually write about.
Then while telling me I have to forgive her if we are going to get past this, she continued to feed me little bits and pieces to still hide what she has done. Yes, "I did say telling me", she has never asked for forgiveness as if it has to be given in order for us to get past this. The sense of entitlement without asking. Forgiveness would come so easily if I knew what I was forgiving.
Now I am going to sound shallow but it must be said. My wife looked very good while she was off having her affairs the past few year and keeping herself up getting her nails done, hair done, working out, shaved, and keeping up in the newest trends in clothing. Spent alot of money always trying to out do her friends. I even was feeding this buying her gifts knowing this made her happy. Gucci purses, glasses, boots, BMW convertable, and even upgraded her wedding ring because again it made her happy to have the finer things in life. It made me feel good that I could give those things to her. Now the reality and the shallow part of me for saying this. She has let herself go, gained 60lbs and doesn't keep herself up the way she did during her affairs. Sorry again for this but I i feel like crap because it makes me feel like she kept herself up for other men and now she treats me like it doesn't matter anymore because who does she have to look good for now. I still love her no matter how she looks but feeling like she doesn't care enough for me and has let herself go and doesn't care.
She still acts like I need to just get over this and stop talking about it and stop questioning her lies because she has no answers for them. it isn't like I am even questioning her about it, she has always had that attitude towards this and that has never changed. The only way I even discovered all of this was because of my intuition she was lying. The problem is my intuition still knows she is lying and she just wants me to forget about it, not talk about it, and move on past it even after 2 years.
So my question to ponder is, did I make the right choice.
He actually ended up in the hospital on DDay because he was suicidal. Even with in-patient treatment, it took MONTHS before he could tell me the whole truth, and another year before we could discuss it outside of MC.
It's up to you whether you made the right choice or not, but I just wanted to let you know that it's possible for things to turn around, even when it takes an incredibly long time.
Our MC taught me to look back 6 months and compare to today; if it's better today than it was 6 months ago, we're still making progress. If not, it's time to confront the stalling. So far, I've always seen improvement.
Good luck to you!
This is why your not making progress with forgiving and reconciling, because the lack of remorse and transparency limit your ability to have an authentic marriage going forward.
You can't polish shit -- and a reconciliation still filled with lies has as its foundation a crock of shit.
Sorry, man! Dry your lines in the sand and stick to them, or wake up years down the road even more resentful and with more layers of crap to deal with.
"We cheat because we suffer from low self esteem, period. Simple. End of explanation."
My only observation is - perhaps mainly for women? - but what about the dudes who just want more tail? more action.
I don't think their self esteem is that low is it? I think that some dudes have an instinctive aspect of trying to fill in a very low need perhaps? or conquest.
They like the chase and then thats it? Is there a difference for women than men?
I think my STBX had the low self esteem + resentment + she really like the control factor it gave her over me cause I had no idea what was going on. - my personal experience.
I also like what you said -
Then, having done the unthinkable, she only compounded her fear. Now, not only is she concerned that you aren't attracted to her for who she is, she's afraid now of who she is. She's afraid that if you really knew her you would not love her. That has probably been her fear all along.
Why do you think she lies to him? is it that she has fear of him leaving her?
I like your view point so any information I think helps all.
Thanks for the chuckle. I have noticed something similar with myself, although mine happened more gradually than your dramatic makeover......AGING. Not that I feel like a complete wash up.....but I am knocking on 50's door.
Years ago, I looked a lot better than I do now, which I suppose is a normal part of aging. Woman flirted with me far more than they do now, and I must admit that I liked the attention. I also had an attitude that went along with it. Now, I am basically invisible to the opposite sex......and frankly....it has benefits. I feel much more real now.
I DON'T LIKE YOUR AVATAR. I sure hope that you don't feel foolish.....you are NOT a fool. You are a man whose wife made some terrible choices.
When I read my post again.....sometimes I think....WOW, I sound like a real D*#K (this happens often). My writing style needs work, but after all these years, I fear I am hopeless in improving it.
I want to BACKPEDDLE/clarify my post.
I think it's awesome that you purchase gifts for your wife. It was the brand names that I took issue with. The fact that you were purchasing special things for your wife indicates that you thought of her often.....that you wanted to please her. These are great characteristics, which many partners lack. Some people go out and treat THEMSELVES....you thought of HER.
That all said......you may be a member of the NICE GUY Club. Many guys on here were members (I'm not a member, as you may have guessed).
What do you think? Do you think that your wife took advantage of the nice guy?
Sounds like your wife is really struggling - is she in counseling?
gina, yes, I was having trouble with self-control at the time. I was very much driven by addiction and compulsion. While I was controlling my actions, as in not getting involved with men, I couldn't control the high I got when they hit on me. Shaving my head removed a source of temptation, just as going to detox removes access to substances. There's nothing wrong with preventing access while one gathers the strength needed to abstain more voluntarily. I did what I needed to do to get well.
I have worked very hard to do whatever it takes but now it takes her to realize who she is and seek help and the fear again in me is she still is hiding it and as long as I don't do anything about it she can live a life as a liar and do I keep dealing with this fake half of her or confront the other half of her and leave. Torn is so many ways that there is not much left of me.
Not really asking all of you what I should do, I just am greatful there are others who have gone the same journey and understand what I am saying. The counseling part of my journey is indeed geared towards the reconciliation but who stands up for us, who feels our pain, who knows that the craziness in us was not caused by us. We live our life in silence in order to regain our strength from the one who took the strength of love and gave it to another. Do I have enough strength in me to share again with the one person who doesn't deserve it. My heart only knows love.
Just needed to have an ear to listen. Thanks to all of you again for standing with me.
Like when you are in bed watching TV going out with her etc.
That must be painful now. How do you deal with that?
There are things that we dont want to happen but have to accept, things we dont want to know but have to learn, and people we cant live without but have to let go.
Yeah, you love her but need to let her go. Maybe and only then will she see what she has really done, and perhaps then you will get transparency and honesty. Right now you not getting that, or you would not have so many questions.
Your being asked to put it in the past, on the surface. What you are really being asked is to sweep the mess under the rub (rug sweeping) and you know this means you two will have to deal with it again at a later time.
Sorry brother! Sometimes we love people who are too far messed up to receive our gifts. When this is the case, it is time to love us more, put ourselves first, and recognize that this is not about being selfish, it is about self-preservation.
Sometimes, it pops the person out of their dysfunction too, but don't do it for this reason. Do it for yourself.
Peace
I'm sorry, but I don't think that should be the job of a husband or wife. I think that needs to be done by the perons themselves with a therapist.
I did that work on my own. If my husband had to do that with/for me, I don't think I'd ever be able to look him in the face again. It's just too degrading. It's one thing to share things with another person and make yourself vulnerable. But if they are to one to get you on the floor and then pick you back up, isn't that still relying on someone else for your sense of identity?
Really, I'm talking about one spouse supporting the other in discovering her authentic self, and reassuring her that that Self will be lovable and loved. Not suggesting that he should act as her therapist, but to encourage her and loan her strength and support so that she can approach that without fear of being rejected for who she is deep down.
I don't see that as a problem, or too much to ask of a spouse. If it is, then it's probably not a marriage worth saving.