Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Taking a step back and looking at the reality of did I make the right choice. My wife had two affiars that I know of but I believe there was more. I made a choice to work on staying married and have been working on this for 2 years since the discovery of the first affair.
During these past 2 years I have to ask myself what has changed. I honestly believe she isn't cheating now but did she come to me and give me the truth, no. I had to discover her affiars in the worst ways. After her lies, denial, and blame she could no longer deny her affair when i discovered the detailed emails, facebook, nude photos and call logs. Then it was trying everything and anything to get validation from marriage counselors to justify her behavior. Call it marriage counselor shopping trying to find the right one who would listen to her stories and lies. Then still knowing she was lying I looked at old credit card reciepts she had in a storage container to find out about the previous affair she was hiding. Thousands of dollars she spent flying to meet and paying for hotels. I even felt bad prior to knowing about her affairs that she was having money issues and i paid off one of the credit cards she was using as we have always had seperate accounts and now I know why she insisted we do that. Still so many lies that she still will not come clean with and to many to actually write about.
Then while telling me I have to forgive her if we are going to get past this, she continued to feed me little bits and pieces to still hide what she has done. Yes, "I did say telling me", she has never asked for forgiveness as if it has to be given in order for us to get past this. The sense of entitlement without asking. Forgiveness would come so easily if I knew what I was forgiving.
Now I am going to sound shallow but it must be said. My wife looked very good while she was off having her affairs the past few year and keeping herself up getting her nails done, hair done, working out, shaved, and keeping up in the newest trends in clothing. Spent alot of money always trying to out do her friends. I even was feeding this buying her gifts knowing this made her happy. Gucci purses, glasses, boots, BMW convertable, and even upgraded her wedding ring because again it made her happy to have the finer things in life. It made me feel good that I could give those things to her. Now the reality and the shallow part of me for saying this. She has let herself go, gained 60lbs and doesn't keep herself up the way she did during her affairs. Sorry again for this but I i feel like crap because it makes me feel like she kept herself up for other men and now she treats me like it doesn't matter anymore because who does she have to look good for now. I still love her no matter how she looks but feeling like she doesn't care enough for me and has let herself go and doesn't care.
She still acts like I need to just get over this and stop talking about it and stop questioning her lies because she has no answers for them. it isn't like I am even questioning her about it, she has always had that attitude towards this and that has never changed. The only way I even discovered all of this was because of my intuition she was lying. The problem is my intuition still knows she is lying and she just wants me to forget about it, not talk about it, and move on past it even after 2 years.
So my question to ponder is, did I make the right choice.
During these past 2 years I have to ask myself what has changed. I honestly believe she isn't cheating now but did she come to me and give me the truth, no. I had to discover her affiars in the worst ways. After her lies, denial, and blame she could no longer deny her affair when i discovered the detailed emails, facebook, nude photos and call logs. Then it was trying everything and anything to get validation from marriage counselors to justify her behavior. Call it marriage counselor shopping trying to find the right one who would listen to her stories and lies. Then still knowing she was lying I looked at old credit card reciepts she had in a storage container to find out about the previous affair she was hiding. Thousands of dollars she spent flying to meet and paying for hotels. I even felt bad prior to knowing about her affairs that she was having money issues and i paid off one of the credit cards she was using as we have always had seperate accounts and now I know why she insisted we do that. Still so many lies that she still will not come clean with and to many to actually write about.
Then while telling me I have to forgive her if we are going to get past this, she continued to feed me little bits and pieces to still hide what she has done. Yes, "I did say telling me", she has never asked for forgiveness as if it has to be given in order for us to get past this. The sense of entitlement without asking. Forgiveness would come so easily if I knew what I was forgiving.
Now I am going to sound shallow but it must be said. My wife looked very good while she was off having her affairs the past few year and keeping herself up getting her nails done, hair done, working out, shaved, and keeping up in the newest trends in clothing. Spent alot of money always trying to out do her friends. I even was feeding this buying her gifts knowing this made her happy. Gucci purses, glasses, boots, BMW convertable, and even upgraded her wedding ring because again it made her happy to have the finer things in life. It made me feel good that I could give those things to her. Now the reality and the shallow part of me for saying this. She has let herself go, gained 60lbs and doesn't keep herself up the way she did during her affairs. Sorry again for this but I i feel like crap because it makes me feel like she kept herself up for other men and now she treats me like it doesn't matter anymore because who does she have to look good for now. I still love her no matter how she looks but feeling like she doesn't care enough for me and has let herself go and doesn't care.
She still acts like I need to just get over this and stop talking about it and stop questioning her lies because she has no answers for them. it isn't like I am even questioning her about it, she has always had that attitude towards this and that has never changed. The only way I even discovered all of this was because of my intuition she was lying. The problem is my intuition still knows she is lying and she just wants me to forget about it, not talk about it, and move on past it even after 2 years.
So my question to ponder is, did I make the right choice.
I personally would be resentful as H3LL if my CS only gave the best of himself to someone else and I got the throwaway leftovers.
I have a feeling that the fact you even made this post means you're considering ending it and just need a nudge from an outsider to set the ball rolling...
I can identify with a lot of what you are going through. The trickle truth, the lying, the not coming clean, the forgiveness thing.
I think that the not coming clean has to do with these cheaters protecting themselves and their lovers. Or, maybe, it's because they fear they WILL lose us if we know the whole story. Anyone have any better insight into this?
My cheating husband just wants me to forget, too. I don't have
Alzheimer's, thank you! I still have nightmares; now they are about
the other woman. I make him apologize to me when I wake up from one of these dreams. I only have them because of what he has done. It's called ownership. They need to own their own crap.
Forgiveness? Never. I'm not Jesus. Don't be so ready to forgive.
She needs to take responsibility for her horrible behavior.
The fact that your wife has let herself go is interesting. 60 lbs.???
Sounds like she's depressed. That just isn't normal. It doesn't seem like she is involved with anyone now. But to go from being a fashion plate to this? Self-destructive behavior?
I think you need to get yourself into individual counseling. You also
need to be talking with her. Talk not about the affairs right away but about yourselves, your marriage, your goals for your life together. Ask what is going on with her that she let herself go. She needs to know that you have certain standards when it comes to grooming.
She sounds very messed up and you sound like so many of us feel. I think you have to ask for what you want from her. She needs to address her problems. If this is not happening . . . . move on.
You sound like a great guy. You deserve better, much better!
I would feel like you don't want to have this situation repeat itself in the future because the thought of cheating/getting a disease/ money being spent etc and just infidelity by the one you love is a great great pain.
So just getting over it? I would make sure she gets the bigger picture of - this is unacceptable period - in now way shape or form is this ok and making sure she knows this is not ok in any freakin level.
If she knows all of this and shows true remorse and builds back trust and makes you feel safe - then perhaps in "time" you can move on and feel comfortable again with her.
Otherwise - getting over it will never happen unless you just don't care about her and then start moving away from her - cause you have to protect yourself - perhaps even cheating yourself and don't give a rats ass where she is at any given time - which actually could happen as well.
You getting over it involves a lot of work on her end. Not really on your end.
Either way, she needs therapy and you two need to explore this together.
Only time will tell if you made the right decision or not, but that decision made by both of you means ongoing work and commitment.
Hang in there brother, she did not keep herself up just for these other guys. She is messed up because of the affairs. She tells you that you need to just get over them, but she is really talking to herself. Being depressed and not taking care of yourself in not dealing with her affairs.
The part I found shallow was " I even was feeding this buying her gifts knowing this made her happy. Gucci purses, glasses, boots, BMW convertable, and even upgraded her wedding ring because again it made her happy to have the finer things in life."
I do not consider these things to be the finer things in life. They certainly don't bring happiness as you have learned. If anything, it makes one appear pretentious and greedy.
Do you know how many meals just ONE Gucci purse can buy for the poor?
You mearly fed a desire for her to be a pretentious show off, which is not conducive to anything positive.
If she fed the poor with the thousands of meaningless gifts, she would have been better off. Unfortunately, I suspect she would feel better stepping over the homeless person on her way to Gucci's.
Her affairs is another example of her selfishness.
She is a hollow, empty woman, trying to fill a void. I actually pity her .
Infidelity ruins the relationship you are in. THE END. Do you trust her? Do you ever think you can be happy with her again? If you answer no to either one of those questions then make a decision.
Who cares if your shallow?
Do what's right for you. (By the way, no one here can tell you that). Just make up your mind and do what's right for YOU.
goingtobeok said "she is letting herself go because she does not trust herself and attention from other guys is too powerful, so she is doing this to remove her sexuality from the mix."
This is a real possibility. For me, putting on a pair of heels and a hot skirt got me the attention I needed to get high. It was easy and absolutely addictive. For me to get sober and find my real value I had to go cold turkey, and that meant giving all that up. I went as far a shaving my head and, holy cow, did that ever work! Better than I expected, and I put myself through quite a sudden withdrawal, actually unable to secure any supply of my 'drug of choice'. I approached deep depression while I was waiting on a Self Esteem workshop to start, where I could rebuild the emotional tools and real confidence I once had.
blindsided talked about the Gucci purses etc. filling a void and he's right. When there is an emptiness where that inner core should be, that is when we might try to build up our self image by improving how others see us. It doesn't work. The solution lies in stripping away all that outer bullshit and finding Self, that basic value that has always been there. Truly, feeding the poor, doing something that really matters, giving something of real value is one way of seeing our own worth and that we've got something more than sexuality to give, and more than approval to gain.
About two years ago, I reverted to Islam and also began wearing hijab. It was amazing to notice how much more I was treated with respect instead of getting hit on. (Just a scarf- Turkish style- not those black tents!)
I'm not suggesting that's the answer to anybody's problems, but it takes a certain type of person to do that. Funny- my actions may seem extreme to some... why isn't dressing suggestively???
I remember when brittany spears shaved her head and had the public melt down.
They have to hit rock bottom - understand that there is way more to life then surface level activity.
She wants you to get over "it" - that it emcompases a lot of stuff.
I wouldnt get over it until there is major major improvement - and you are better off on your own until she comes to that conclusion.
This whole experience just basically suxs when you are single - you live and learn - when you have kids it is devastating to say the least on so many freakin levels.
She needs to clean her act up and hopefully she comes full circle and actually starts to do that.
I don't have any advice for you on how to actually do that - either then to ask her questions and point out things here and there about what you notice other destructive people doing. perhaps others can add advice or you can use your own escape pod and get out of the marriage.
A lot of these cheaters are ticking time bombs though.
That was the real key to recovering...how do I want to be valued, and how do I value myself? whatafool, I would challenge you to look at your own values, what you consider to be important in a person, what all those status symbols mean to you, what it says about you to have a wife who meets that oh-so-arbitrary societal standard. If you find that all that surface stuff matters to you, then ask yourself 'why?'. If you find that it does not then you might wonder if your wife knows that.
We cheat because we suffer from low self esteem, period. Simple. End of explanation. What if your wife was afraid that you didn't want her anymore? What if she went looking for the attention of other men to gain reassurance that someone would want her? You feeding into it by buying her all the stuff probably confirmed that idea for her, that you want her to present in a certain way.
Then, having done the unthinkable, she only compounded her fear. Now, not only is she concerned that you aren't attracted to her for who she is, she's afraid now of who she is. She's afraid that if you really knew her you would not love her. That has probably been her fear all along.
Not keeping herself up might be a test of sorts, to see if you can love her with extra weight and without the hair/clothes/makeup. There's likely an internal dialogue that goes something like 'will he love me if I gain 10 pounds? He does? Okay. Will he still love me if I stop using deodorant? He does? Okay. Will he still love me when I'm old, gray and wrinkled, have a bad hip, need my diapers changed, can't see well enough to find the BMW let alone drive it? He will? Okay. Now maybe, just maybe, I can feel secure.'
So, two things, two core beliefs: if he knew me, he wouldn't love me, and I need to find the line where his love will stop so I don't cross it and lose him. Then it's a crazy balancing act of trying to sneak up on that line to identify it without letting you see who she is.
Examine your own values, communicate those to her. Help her to strip away all the outer bullshit and find her Self, hold her hand while she learns to love that Self and comes to see that you do, too. Maybe find your own Self, as well. Then you both start to heal.
She does not wish to be a member if any club that would allow here to join. Self esteem is non existent in her case , all a matter of external praise and attention.Superficiality is a big draw for some kinds of people.
I was a single mother dealing with a very strong willed, challenging child for about 10 years. I sought guidance from every parenting expert who would give me a moment. The consistent conclusion was that I was the one person in this kids life she felt she could count on, so I was her dumping ground for all the crap she couldn't deliver where it belonged, with others who were hurtful to her. I was the one she trusted to be there for her no matter what. It was hard for me to accept that my child did not, in fact, hate me but actually loved and trusted me more than anyone. With my own low self esteem, I wanted to take it personally and negatively.
It really sucks being the one who is trusted to hold all the crap that can't be dumped elsewhere.
I would also like to touch on the material things I mentioned and some of you comented on. I am an extremely giving person and perhaps it was not a good idea to give her things some of you would find offensive. Looking back at it I see how this fed into her insecurites with material things to make her feel good about herself and I too must acknowledge my role in this material giving "look at me" attitude but I did not do that for self worth, I did that because it made me feel good to see my wife smile. I also give much of my time, money, donations to numerous charities, church and volunteer work and teach my child that value and am very fortunate to have that opportunity to do so. That too makes me smile. I grew up extremely poor and understand that there are many in need and I do as much as I can to help and if you knew me you would not judge me. I mentioned those things in my post to try present a better understanding of things i didn't see I was doing wrong or signs that was there all along and the mistake I made. I was trying to be open and sorry if I sounded materialistic.
I too am learning more and more about myself and the things that I should have been aware of all along.