i confronted the OW twice. the first time i was nice but firm. i made if very clear what would happen if the affair continued. the second time, it got physical. i'm not proud of that but i did get some satisfaction out of it - along with a broken nose!

It's not the other man or other woman who needs to be confronted.
We tend to blame the other person for the problem when it boils down to a concious choice that our spouse made.
Confronting the other person will never serve a purpose in the healing process. It's your spouse who did the crime. Who they did it with is irrelavent. Just my humble opinion

stayingalive - you're right - but it is much easier to hate the other person than it is to hate the person we love and trust the most in the world. and, i believe that the other person must also be held accountable for their part. in my case, she knew full well that my H was married, had a family, etc. - yet, she still chose to pursue a relationship with him - granted because my H made himself available. i have enough anger for both of them! but as far as helping me heal - hitting her did not help - it felt good at the moment but that was about it.

I give myself a "fantasy diet" everyday. I get into the office and give myself exactly five minutes to fantasize about what I'd like to say and do. Over the weeks, I've cut the time down so I'm at about 3 minutes now. I've also gone to places where I've seen his car, like the park, and I'll go there and stare him down and make him uncomfortable. This is part of me reclaiming my ground and it is a very primal thing. Lastly, I'll call him every once in a while and ask him if he's staying away from my wife.

I confronted the whore on the phone after I found out via myspace. I wanted to hear what she had to say about everything. I did say some awful things to her and I would like to Bitch slap her but I'm sure that would not help anything. Someone on here once wrote that the fact that I won and she lost is satifaction enough adn I try to tell myself that everyday when I start getting upset.

I can certainly understand how you feel. And as Steph stated, you feel like the other person should too be held accountable.
However one person here, made a comment not too long ago stating that by contacting these OW/OM we are giving them 'Power' over us. I thought about that for a very long time, and since then, I have been able to stop some of those feelings.
The thought of giving such an evil person that kind of power over our family, is BS, and its better to just move on. Its been 16 months for me. I truely understand.
One thing too, is that I moved 1000 miles away, and that helps. If we still lived close, I would move!
All these emotions are so difficult.. Hugs!

I struggle with the anger all the time. I would love to contact the OW, it's easy to blame the other person but ultimately its your spouse that betrayed you and your family. Easier said then done but yes I have fantasized about what I'd like to do to her.

I talked over the phone twice to both the ow and her husband. I needed to speak with her especially because I knew he would never tell me what happened. When my divorce is final I will call the ow husband so he is aware. I blame them both for what they have done to us and our families. I know I have to stay cool right now but in a cool manner when all this is done they will know what I think of them and how hurtful this is to another human being.

I understand giving the OP powere and that is why I have not done anything,revenge can be sweeter if it is a suprise.I also relish in fantasy bashing and it has dwindled with time-it is negative energy and I need to focus positively on rebuilding marriage.and as steph said the other new my wife was maaried and had kids and was having some emotional/depression type issues.he did take advantage of that and she was weak enough to alter her values and morals-she does not know why but understands her terible mistake-she is brave and facing the piper so to speak...my wife has also suggested moving away soI did not have to worry about the proximity of the other person,but to me that would be caving in to that "demon"Time will tell I wish I could bring myself to forgive the OP instead of hate, but I have not come down to that point yet in my road to bebuidling!

It is very hard to control your anger and rage, I have never ever rasied a hand to my H ,ever until he told me he had slept the ow from the bar, he didnt even know her name and the next two nights he was intimate with me I lost it , it got very physical, but all the rage came out from the last several months, of trying to contain it, he never fought back he tried to ward off the blows , I just want to put a name and face together and I won't more then likey do anything about it, but it would be nice to know ,maybe her husband needs to know what his wife is up to, so he is not being played the fool like I have been , I only found out by sheer accident by intercepting a phone call,and I am not even sure the extent of what is going on between them.,

Ok another thing ,how can H come home and face us, thier wives, after what they have been up too, seems like the guilt would be eating them up, or they would be walking on eggshells thinking that the OW would call and start rasing hell , and telling us wives what our H's been up to ??

If I didn't have a son to take care of, I'm not sure I could control my anger.

Reil

In my case with the OW or who ever it might be I think I would want to confront them just so they know who I am and I Do exsist and I am a person wether or not they give a crap, but atleast they see that your a real person,

I called the bit^* a few times and at the time it did help because I vented then hung up. But when the little twerp tried to give me advice I quit calling. Also, she wanted to meet me and explain. She told my husband this and me. hubby thought it was her taking responsibility for her part in the affair and he thought it would be a good thing since she was such a nice girl> I laughed in his face and Since they both thought it would be the right thing to do I never would allow it! F*^@ them! I think she was just curious about me! What I looked like etc... too bad for her. She has a horse face anyway lol. I on the other hand am cute!

I did know him quite well and I obviously confronted him. I let people in his church know what he was doing. I talked to members of his family. He had the idea that we could all just keep quiet and get along and be friends again some day. WRONGO. I let him know that he blew whatever friendship there was and he would NEVER talk to my wife EVER again. I was also able to tell him that I forgive him before he moved away. He never asked for forgiveness, but I gave it to him so that I could feel some closure. He learned his lesson. I really don't care who I tell. I made no promises to protect him at all. I do try to protect my wife as much as possible. But, the affair was over two years ago. So, who cares who knows what at this point?