Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
From what I've watched/read, it's never a good idea to contact the OW/AP.
My H affair was exposed a few months ago when the OW contacted my family through social media. She tried to add my family/friends on social media with a profile photo of my H and her.
She sent a DM to my family saying that my H has been cheating on me for over 2 years. The night when this all unfolded I told my H to contact OW and tell her to leave my family out of the situation. The next day OW sent me a DM saying "she only contacted the people around me because she thought I was in the dark like her."
From what my H told me, the A happened and ended 2 years ago. He said it was very brief and he only met up with her 3 times. Most of their interaction was when he was working at a different site for a few months. Initially OW didn't know he was married but she found out later on but she still wanted to continue seeing him. OW still kept contacting my H even after he ended things with her - she would send messages like "hi, how are you?" and apparently my H would just reply "I'm busy".
The reason why I've been thinking to contact OW is because I want to get information from her. I don't have any proof ie: emails, messages or phone records about the A. I want to know did they really only meet 3 times like what my H told me? Did they talk on the phone? How often did they message each other? Did she really not know about me? If she didn't, how did she find me/my family in social media?
My H told me they didn't get to know each other on a personal level. He doesn't even know when her birthday is. I want to ask her if she knows my H birthday. If the A really went on for 2 years like what OW said, wouldn't she have known personal things like that about my H? Did she not wonder why in over 2 years he never brought her to his (our place) - I know he didn't because we used to live with my parents who were always home. Did she not wonder why she didn't meet or speak with my H family (his mum, dad etc.)?
From the way OW spoke to me via message, I feel she would lie to me if I did speak with her. She said she contacted the people around me about my H infidelity because she wanted to let me know - why didn't she contact me directly? Why did she feel the need to contact my whole family to get her message across to me?
I don't know - I just really want to know the whole truth about the A but it looks like I'll never get that.
Anyone out there contacted the AP? What was your experience like?
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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What is your intent to talk to the other woman? If it is to gather evidence from the last two years, AND your plan is to divorce him... then Yes, you need that evidence for your divorce attorney.
But, if your intent is to stay in your marriage, then No, don't contact her. She could lie, you already know he's been lying, and believe me, I know how tempting it is to want to know the REAL truth... I understand that completely.... but the problem is, will she lie about the details? Who knows?
What is this picture she has of her and your husband, can you tell when that was taken?
Has your husband shown remorse, been completely transparent (you can look in his phone and computer at any time, he is where he says he is, etc)? Has he gone to therapy? Because he probably should.
So, I guess the answer is - It depends. It depends what you hope to accomplish, such as I wrote above.
Good luck, you are going to be okay, no matter what happens.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have been through this and it is horrible. You are right-- that most of the time contacting the OW is not recommended. I found out just like you did through her contacting and finding me through social media. She desperately wanted me to contact her.... and kept following up with more messaging til I blocked her. She knew what she was doing... he ended it... and she wanted revenge on him by telling me. I never contacted her. Why did I want her to hear how devastated I was. She already stole a lot from me, she was not going to hear how distraught and upset I was. I was not allowing her to get that.. Plus, why would I believe anything from this woman at all... and why should you.... you shouldn't.... With that being said, what has your husband done to show you remorse... He needs to be completely transparent with social media, his phone, his where abouts. Has he begged for forgiveness? Has he agreed to counseling? He needs to show you these things.... As for all the little details-- i believe it would cause more problems than good. For now, take care of yourself, see a counselor, don't contact her, delete her info... Ask yourself prior to doing something if what you hear or see will actually make you feel better. I will pray that you husband changes his poor behavior and shows you that he is committed to making you feel safe and loved.
At this stage my intention is to stay and work on the marriage. I’m saying “at this stage” because I’m not 100% sure of what I feel about the whole situation yet - and I don’t want to make life altering decisions whilst I’m still hurting. I know I love my H but I just don’t know if I’ll be able to put the betrayal behind me. Or at least not think about it as much because at the moment it’s consuming me.
I wanted to talk to the OW to get more details about the A. But I think I already answered my own question about her likely lying to me.
About the photo - it does look like it was taken a couple of years ago based on OW hairstyle (after she messaged me I looked her up in social media).
H has shown remorse. He’s also transparent with his phone, laptops, email etc. We are seeing a MC which he suggested. I can see he’s doing everything he can to show me he’s sorry and wants to save the marriage: comforting me and giving me reassurances. He’s even trying to be a better H and father (which he wasn’t before the A was exposed).
I know to move forward eventually I have to accept that this happened. But that’s what I’m worried about, I’m not sure if I can. I told him before infidelity is something I don’t think I can forgive - and here I am.
I really hope so, I don’t like the person I’ve become after I found out about his A.
That’s true. And the information I was hoping to get won’t change anything anyway.
I think that's a good idea. Don't do anything hasty or make any life-altering decisions while you're still in a very emotional state. And I am glad that you two are going to marriage counseling.
There's something I don't understand though. If your husband says this happened a few times but it was 2 years ago, then why is the OW contacting your family just a few months ago? Wouldn't she have contacted your people closer to 2 years ago?
And also, he must have NO CONTACT with her whatsoever. This is important if you two have any chance to save this marriage. He doesn't still work with her ever, does he? He must block her phone number, block her on social media, everywhere.
Take your time, take care of YOU (this is a trauma, and you need to take care of you right now), and take the time you need to see how you feel about things in awhile. It could take awhile to get past this, so be patient. I'm so sorry you have to go through this at all. It's just not fair. Hugs and best wishes to you.
You’re right, me knowing all the details is likely not to do me any good. Also the way OW was talking to me (via message), using foul language and cursing at me - I don’t know why she was so angry at me when I’m the betrayed one - probably best I don’t interact with her at all.
H has begged for forgiveness and doing everything he can to show me he wants to save the marriage. Even on times when I’m quiet and staring into space, he knows I’m thinking - he’ll ask me if there’s anything he can do.
Thank you for your advice. I’m sorry that we are all here because of this horrible experience. I do hope things are going well for you.
Reconstructing history to match what happened instead of what you think happened is part of the healing process. However, you'll never be able to get the whole story. It isn't possible. Some stuff your husband may not tell you because he's scared or ashamed or even genuinely forgot. Some of what he shares may not be the truth (or at least not wholly accurate). All you can do is gather as much as he's willing to share and move forward.
Some questions I had to ask myself when I would ask my husband for information about the infidelity:
1) Why do I want to know?
2) How does this help me?
3) How does this help us rebuild our marriage?
So, knowing intimate details of what they said or did may not be the most productive. "Did you ever call her beautiful?" isn't as important as, say, "Did you use protection?" Knowing the sweet things he may have said to her only reminds me of the betrayal, whereas the other question might inspire me to see a doctor for a medical screening.
This is what H told me:
when he ended things with her, apparently OW implied to him she was happy to continue seeing H even though he’s married/has family. After H ended things with OW, she still continued to message him but he would just reply “I’m at work, I’m busy”.
After a few months H still not engaging with OW messages, she started doing things to ruin him. OW called H boss at work (pretending to be me,
the W) to complain H worked too much and that she was going to take legal action against the company. Then OW started threatening H “oh what if I tell your wife what happened between us?”. This was around the time I was getting a lot of messages from random people in social media but I never opened them (thinking might be scammer/hacker). Again this was also around the time OW started messaging H asking if I (his W) received any messages.
H called her and told her to leave us alone. OW was quiet for a few months.
Then one day - DDay, just a few months ago - she contacted all of my family (except me) and told them about H infidelity.
They no longer have contact. H changed his number. H told me she moved to a different state 1.5 year ago - Visa reasons.
Thank you for your kind words and advises.
I know I just have to let it go and accept the fact that I will never know the full details of the A.
I need to focus on the now, me/my healing and my marriage.
Easier said than done.
I can’t wait for the day when I’m finally out of the cloud.