Thank you all for the great advice and support. It was exactly what i was looking for...
As of now i am looking to reconcile thats not to say i wont be kicking her out though in the future.
No on has mentioned anything about divorcing except me and her breaking no contact, which is not a threat.

Just day by day and minute by minute... thank you all!

Marglaw did pick up on a few things a cheater can do to help make a relationship salvageable and a 2nd marriage to work.

1. Full ownership of affair and no contact with other
2. Full disclosure of affair and present communication with others
3. Full buy in to counseling, helping spouse heal, and personal growth
4. Ongoing truthfulness in admission and omission

I do agree and have seen many cases here where the spouse agrees to counseling as manipulation to keep the spouse around, but it is pretty obvious which ones are which. The manipulators don't do the homework, make excuses to skip, stop going, and/or not really engaging in the session. I make it a point to ask how her session went and what she learned.

We went to counseling immediately after I caught him for the 3rd time.
After about 3 sessions our counselor felt that out marriage couldn't be saved.
And helped me see what an arrogant narcissistic individual I was married to.
And yes I threatened him to go to session 2.
She was right on the money.

I also agree ILYBINILWY is a straight excuse to head out out the door. This is how Cheaters justify their actions.

You are very new with hearing the devastation but it really comes down with - she told you how she feels. She would have to be doing ALOT of work on her part to restore your marriage and from your post, she doesn't seem she is. Has she been completely transparent? Is the A over? Is there any contact whatsoever between her and the AP? Do you have access to all her emails and electronic devices? Is she in counseling alone?

Ironically, counseling helped empower ME to see what my marriage was and build enough strength to feel like it was the right thing to get out and take care of me and my children in the healthiest manner.

Unfortunately it comes down to this- people (including our spouses) will treat us how we are allowing them to treat us. If you choose to stay with her and she isn't doing the work- nothing will improve and the situation will just perpetuate.

Thanks JenniferA- and to answer your questions ....
By transparent if you mean answering all of my questions about the A then yes she is.
Yes the A is over, and there has been 1 instance of contact at a kids event. (contact was a wave across the room) i explained that this was not acceptable and she agreed to just ignore any other attempts.
I do have access to emails, texts and messengers apps with no signs but that doesnt mean i believe that its all over.
She is not in counseling alone, not yet we will be after the next counseling session.

@LRP so sorry ur going through this. Ur worth so much better. Proud of you for trying to get out. You told him you would so for ur own self respect leave. What an was that he makes u leave with kiddo instead of him leaving. He probably doesn't think u will go through with it. He blames you for not having sex. Of course that could contribute to cheating but never ever is that a reason to cheat. That was 100 percent his selfish choice. Don't let him tell you any different. It's not ur fault and doesn't sound like he has put any effort in ur sex Life himself. Him still talking to her how disrespectfull. Stay strong you don't need this ass in ur life.

I want to comment on the "I love you I am not in love with you"
People that are in it for the long haul start thinking of their marriage as something They have to get through...anytime people get "through" something together, traumatic incident, child's illness... sudden loss if an income... you feel love and respect for that person because they stuck it out...

people that are dating especially secretly feel excited, dangerous, persued... is that what love is? That exciting I can't wait to rip your clothes off feeling... well if it doesn't get causght it will be.

It's nice to feel desired... it feels nice to be persued ... I know as a woman it makes me walk a little taller, actually wear sexy stuff to bed.. (not sweat pants)
When my H actually listens to me and we talk about current events. Or he helps me out in some way... makes me just want him more!
But if he turns the TV on and watches the hunting channel and doesn't say one thing to me... sweat pants go right back on!

MARRIAGE COUNSLING TIP!
per my marriage counselor...
Marriage Counsling is not suppose to be forever! You are given tools to be able to identify issues and learn to fix them yourself!
She said if you actually are honest and do the work.. it should take less than a year. Key word is HONESTY. If one spouse is lying ... stop MC and that person needs to get into IC .... and the BS needs to file for divorce!
No joke! I was floored! That's why we kept going to her, she is frank and it was the no bullshit zone! We both were put on the spot more than once...
There are reasons for affairs... but never excuses!

I was betrayed by my husband of 20 years. So, I know where you are. It has devastated me. We had two pre-teenagers ita the time. 29 days after o confronted him, he killed himself in front of me. He was cheating with eight women - I am still devastated. With what he did, no insurance payout, 2 kids to raise, a mortgage, and a secret 50K in taxes that I didn't know anything about. Yes - I asked and he hid it. He had a whole secret life. If I could go back - I would have thrown him out on his ass the day I learned what was going on. But- that's just me. Buck up! Don't let this person do this to you or your kids! Put your kids first! Let her go figure this out and not screw it up anymore for those kids! They are first! Take control of this situation for them - even though I know how you feel. God loves you, your partner and your children. This doesn't mean you don't care or love her. But, it does mean that you don't have to be treated this way. God bless you man - I know where you are. Trust me - there are worse things. I'm now a single mom struggling with a high school boy with no father, and a freshman daughter in college. And - by the grace of God - we are doing well. Talk to God - he's always there with you. I know it's the hardest thing in the world. I am so sorry. Put your kids first -

6 months out and still can't stop crying...does it ever really get better? I have been with this man for 24 years..more than half my life. I NEVER thought I would be going through this shit. I had my suspicions early in the relationship but he always denied became defensive and just plain lied...I trusted him completely. We have 2 teenage kids one 17 and one 13. I had a gut feeling something was going on with him and my best friend back in 2007....I just didn't want to face it..I could not imagine they would really do something like that to me. Well I finally decided I had had enough of the non stop emotional abuse and confronted him....I told him her husband told me what they had done and he admitted to having a threesome with them...then it gets worse...he also tried to sleep with my sister, had sex with another friend of mine in our home ....On 2 separate occasions while I was in the house! This shit happened while we were having parties for holidays...while my family and I were upstairs he was in the basement screwing the town whore. I befriended this woman because I felt sorry for her..she had no friends due to being a drunk and a whore...I was a young nurse and felt it was not my place to judge...see what that got me. I never in a million years would have believed it if he hadnt told me himself. I have lost fourty lbs..can't sleep cry all the time...I am now finding out things I can not wrap my head around. No one that knows us would believe he was capable of the things he has done. I can see the patterns emerging now...he was never there for me or the kids ever...he completely shut me out of his life. I was busy working a stressful full time job raising two kids caring for my mentally ill sister and sick and dying parents as well as doing all of the household chores. Now that I have had enough and stood up for myself he wants counciling and is suddenly mr. Niceguy...I don't know why I am still here..not sure if I can even say I love this man. He has done some really shitty things to me financially as well as emotionally. I think I am just so broken inside now I can't even make a desision on my own. The person I was when I met him would never have tolerated this. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and I feel so terribly alone I have so much more to say but I guess I have given you guys an idea of what I am working through...anyone else have something like this done to them? I feel like a freak and a fool.

RE:nobody2u

I think the depth and length of his infidelities show a significant level of sociopathic tendency.

Given the fact the only time he suggested counseling was when you stood up for yourself is an indication that he is using counseling as a manipulation tool.

I wouldn't want someone like that around any of my loved ones. If my wife was this depraved and unrepentant I would have told her to leave right away.

1.5 years is a long time man, not sure I could come back from that....my W cheated for a month and I barely made it, still working on it and I have never promised her anything other than trying.
1,5 years is what they call an LTA (long term affair) and for someone to live a double life like that for so long they have some deep issues to work on for a long time.....sorry you here, it sucks and you didnt deserve it neither had any say on it....

Oh! I am truly sad for you and your heart. These asshatsvhave no idea what we're going through bc they are so damn shelf-absorbed! So frustrating!! Ok. Rant over.

Take your kids away for the weekend. Go to a park or place they've always wanted to go to. Enjoy a day of play without her. Once you do, you will see that you CAN live and move forward into your next phase. It doesn't have to be expensive, just you and your kids. Do it for them and for you.

I know--time, money, sadness....Is this time easy? No. But you are more than just a spouse. You are a dad, a friend, an employee, etc. so there is more than one demention to you. She doesn't get to defune you anymore. Remember that.

When I'm feeling triggered and the committee is talking up a storm, I clean. No, seriously. I clean and clean and clean. My house has never been this clean! LOL! I do this for any number of reasons, but what it gives me is control in a totally wacko and out of control situation. The added bonus is if the reconciliation doesn't work and I have to sell the house, shit is already gone!! Just pack up what remains and move on!

You are enough. You are more than enough. Now is the time to recapture yourself. We're all here to help.