Ugh, welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Please know that individual counseling for each of you is the first step. Couples counseling this soon after DDay only provides the cheater with a platform to manipulate and possibly hurt you more. As in "So Joe, tell us what you did to contribute to the demise of your marriage"? Do not buy into that line of crap. There is NOTHING that you did or did not do as a husband and father that forced her into an affair. It is possible that this has gone on since the 7 year period she mentions where ILYBINILWY and could have been screwing various other people. Please get yourself tested for STDs!!! Not joking. And the ILYBINILWY is absolutely a classic line from a person who is planning an exit. You are her plan B. You need to see genuine remorse from her and a commitment to change. Anything less is manipulation and a waste of your time. I'm sorry you have to be here today.

As mentioned the journey of reconciliation starts when the cheating spouse owns up to his/her affair. There is no one to blame but herself for the situation. Adultery isn't a product of a bad marriages. It obviously makes it more vulnerable but the real culprit is the character of the cheater.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

This is for sure one club i did not want to join...... FML

But thank you for taking the time to read my life's current demise.

I will not let this define who i am and i do know that in time i will heal.

We had 2 sessions as a couple so far and the next one is the last one we will have together.
Our next visit to the counselor she will need to decide if she wants to save whats there or move on. One advised simple exercise of holding hands and staring in each others eyes for 5 minutes was too difficult for her since she has no feelings for me.

If she decides to leave know that cheaters are inherently unhappy people. It is that void or unhappiness that leads them to the self destructive path of adultery. It really doesn't bring them sustained contentment but robs them of integrity and self worth as they spiral lower.

If she decides to commit to change and reconciliation, she will have to take a good look at her character and the pain she has caused in order to move forward.

You need to take care of yourself and commit to living as a good man that is deserving of a honest spouse, regardless of what she decides.

Also, I just wanted to add that she probably should have had a few session of individual counseling before you started couples counseling.

Thanks ForwardMotion... As you can imagine im pretty lost and trying my best to keep things together and not just lose control of my emotions in front of the kids. Its a minute by minute and not a day by day feeling as of right now. And you are right i do deserve an honest spouse, deserve to be loved and desired...

And during her affair she did have counseling for herself i believe 2 sessions and they told her that she was unable to be satisfied, and otherwise normal.... I beg to differ. Utterly destroying someone you supposedly love is not normal to me...

I'm someone who received counseling immediately after my affair. I went to two sessions beforehand, and my husband went to one on his own. Now we go together almost every week.

Someone mentioned counseling soon after the affair only allows the cheater to manipulate their spouse? I don't agree with that at all. If anything, it has given my husband and I a platform to be open and utterly honest with each other. My counselor has always told my husband that the responsibility and blame lies within me, but she has also recognized some issues (mainly communication) that we dealt with beforehand that effected our marriage. It seems your wife is in the same boat as me - she sucked at expressing her emotions, she let them fester and build up, until she made a mistake and cheated.

I guess where I don't relate to your wife is I would never tell my husband "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She seems like she's very conflicted on whether she wants to stay in the marriage, and for me, it was never a question. You either want to make it work, or you don't.

Just from observation from these boards and personal opinion, I think there are many factors that play into whether a couple survives an affair. It seems when the cheating spouse comes forward soon after and willingly confesses their actions, along with ending their affair and cutting ties with the other person, seeks counseling and takes steps not only to better their marriage but better themselves as well, the couple seems to make it out alive. I'm not sure of your circumstances and how the affair came to light, or if your wife is trying to talk to a professional to figure out what's going on with herself that made her do this, but if it's YOU who is pushing her, she will never change.

Why Me, you are in emotional ICU right now. Those of us betrayed know exactly how you feel. I remember what it is like trying to just survive, breathe, live minute by minute. Add children into the mix and its a really hard to not just meltdown. We get what its like. Cheaters will never know what its like for your naive happily married life as you knew it to end in an instant. Hang in there, try to eat, try to get some rest and exercise (to tire yourself out) if you can. While you're getting tested for STDs ask your provider if you feel like you need short term pharmaceutical help (sleep or anxiety) if this applies in your case. Losing a lot of weight, extreme anxiety, inability to sleep, focus or barely function is very common. Seek whatever form of support you need. Come here often. We betrayed understand and wish you well.

Cheaters: This soon out from Day is NOT a good time to try to rationalize with a newly betrayed about why you cheated and how you worked it all out and don't push her to change and blah blah blah. The last thing a newly betrayed needs is advice or input from a cheater; it is a ginormous trigger. It takes a REALLY long time to even be able to listen to the same kind of person who could willingly inflict this kind of damage on the one they "love".

Unfortunately, no matter what happens, you will be caught up in drama for a long time to come. It took my wife a long LONG time to realize the depth of her "mistake." We were separated for two and a half years. At the beginning she told me the same thing ("ILYBINILWY"). And now my wife is horrified at what she did - not just to me, but to our children. Affairs are like a very powerful drug. Basically your wife is a crack-head. Affairs are fun and exciting and new and exhilarating, etc. And now you're asking her to kick that habit by going cold turkey. That's not easy to do. Meanwhile: This site was really a life-line for me. PM me if you want to talk about it more.

@betrayedtodeath - I seek advice from both betrayed spouses and those who committed the affair. I find in my process of rebuilding my marriage, it has helped getting different perspectives.

No relationship or situation is identical, as no one is the same. I never heard the theory that people who receive counseling are out to do it because they want to manipulate others. Maybe your ex did, but that doesn't mean this man's wife is doing that. If you're concerned about providing comfort to those who come here, saying things like that isn't going to help.

Counseling is ALWAYS a good option. No LICENSED professional would tell you otherwise. If a person is trying to manipulate someone, it's because they are a master manipulators, not because they are seeing a shrink!

My advice to whymewhynot, you are on an emotional roller coaster right now, experiencing deep sorrow and frustration, and it is my guess you're holding it all in for the sake of your children. Try to see your counselor independently. I have also been betrayed before, and it does turn everything upside down. It has the capability of magnifying everything you thought was stable in your relationship and excessively questioning it all. You'll need someone to talk to. It is good to lean on others here, but no relationship or circumstance will ever be the same as yours.

Be careful and fully und strand if she is stilling her friend

If she moved to divorce she'll use the kids and the line "it's fur the children."
She'll want to give them stability through the process

I don't think she was thinking about the kids stability while she was taking off her wedding ring or sucking his cock

She will use your concern for the kids to feather her nest

Don't fall for that selfish bullshit

Protect your kids stable parent , You

Protect your kids stable family , the one with you

So sorry you're going through this. Well at least know ur not alone. We're all in the same shitty situation. Some further along some fresh from D-day some worked things out some split. It's a very helpful site to me so far. I thinks lots of great wise words have been said already but I agree that she needs to do counseling herself. And u too. It will sure help you to come out of this stronger. And she is pretty messed up doesn't have things straight she needs to see what she has done before she can move forward.
I think couples counseling is ok but that exercise of staring in each other's eyes is too early.
It sounds like ur wife at this point has no remorse. I'm sorry to say but don't try to safe ur marriage if ur wife is not remorsefull and truly committed u would only set urself up for a lot of additional pain.
I agree too to get tested for STD. Maybe ur wife had only 1 partner but that guy may have had a ton of partners. Take care of ur health. Wish u well. Feel free to message if u like to talk.

Marglaw: cheaters with narcissistic personality disorders DO agree to couples counseling to 1: fool the betrayed and take the heat off themselves until their partner shuts up or caves in 2: blameshifting the cheating so it becomes the fault of the betrayed. 3: learn to mirror feelings they don't actually feel. Good therapists don't allow this to happen. Unaware therapists do. Narcissists can be very charming when they want to be. And no, my cheating husband has not done this, but thanks so much for that super helpful gaslighting. And he's not an ex at this point, thanks again for your caring and concern. Individual counseling only and separately by different therapists for each partner is the gold standard followed by couples counseling with a 3rd therapist after a lot of healing, generally a year. Ask any betrayed who's been around the block. But I've made it my business to become educated about the personality and character disordered. I can't imagine a betrayed wanting to lean on a cheater but hey maybe it's possible to want to surround yourself with yet another snake. Take compassion on the betrayed and GTFO with your advice and opinions for the newly betrayed. If for some crazy reason a newly betrayed wants to hear from a cheater, wait for them to ask your opinions. Cheating is not a "mistake" as you call it, it's a deliberate choice!

Exactly my situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this Patrick57!

I am there with you right now and can't eat or sleep. He once once truyly expressed remorse about his affair after I first found out and now he simply blames me because our sex life was dull. He emotionally ignored me for YEARS- in the almost 17 years he never planned a date night- never planned a trip- never planned an event with our daughter- never helped around the house- yet I should be a sexual vixen from all this neglect. All I hear is how sexually neglected he felt- so clearly that suggests he blames me for the affair. When I accept some responsibility and want to go to counseling, he is still in touch with her even when he promised not to and knew I would leave if he did not break contact. I sit here at 2am unable to sleep and dumbfounded on what to do next. He refuses to leave our home and I can't live with this liar anymore so I have to move myself and my daughter out I guess. Hang in there and do in your heart what you know is best. For me, I am learning that I need to leave and that I can't be the only one truly committed to change.