I was wondering why it affects you now, after 14 years of marriage? Did something happen recently to make you all of a sudden start thinking about this? 14 years is a long time. Didn't seem to bother you back then....

Are you feeling like *you* missed out on being with other women?

I am not clear what you mean that - "something was taken from me". You did know all about this when you got married.

Please look inside at what is going on with you. Don't create problems where there is none.

It has always occasionally bothered me not so often now but I still feel the same when it pops in my mind. When I say I missed out I don’t mean on being with other women. I mean on the excitement that comes from being with some one for the first time. I am a believer that you save yourself for marriage and I feel that’s what was stolen. My wife had a troubled childhood , divorce,step father didn’t show her much love. I know that had a lot to do with it. We have always had trouble with our sex life mainly her lack of desire. I think this is why I still have trouble with it. We have been talking and working on that lately and It’s getting a lot better but I think I finally need to accept her past not just give it time till it goes away for a while. She does talk to me about it when I need her to but it’s hard to tell her how I feel with out hurting her.

A guys first time is exciting.... a girls first time is painful and scary. Frankly you are glad it’s over and eventually you figure out that it’s pleasurable. Women and men have sex for different reasons.. ( usually) women it is to be close and affectionate. Men... it’s to have sex. Occasionally they have sex with someone they love.
May I suggest the book .. the 5 love languages- by Gary Chapman
You are associating her lack of sexual desire for you and her sexual desire for others before you. They have nothing to do with each other.

I don’t really think she has desires for other men now her first time was with a boyfriend she was pretty young after that her brother moved out of state to live with her dad then went through a break up with her boyfriend got into drugs and that’s when the other guys came along. I know it was along time ago and seems petty. I’ve never talked to or told anyone else about it i know what we have doesn’t compare to her past but I think I just needed to talk to some else besides her. She’s really understanding but it’s hard to say how I feel with out hurting her or making her feel bad. When she first told me about it all she said she just laid there each time. Then later on said it was a little more with the last guy it just makes me wonder if there’s more to it than what I’ve been told. I do believe she’s told me everything but it’s hard not to get in my own head at times

If you wanted to have "mutual first-time", you should have married a virgin like yourself.

You knew she wasn't a virgin - she was honest and up front with you. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. She is not the one you should be talking to regarding your feeling of being robbed of something. As you mentioned, by talking to her about this, you are punishing her for your choice in not marrying a virgin. You need to consult a therapist to resolve this. Do not put your hangup on your wife. That is unfair and will only lead to resentments. Like how much more can he run my nose into my youthful indiscretions.

I wonder if her lack of desire stems from being reproached about her sexual history.

I agree with you to an extent we were both young when we got married and I didn’t think much of it till later on. I know it’s not fair for he to have to keep talking about it. That’s why I’m here. I looked for a support group closer to what I’m dealing with but didn’t have any luck. I have looked into counseling just thought it would be good to start somewhere. I don’t think her lack of desire comes from this she has been the same since the beginning. My desire is probably a little higher than normal this is something we are both working on and talking more about I think that may be what triggered me to think about her past again. One question I do have is she has genetal warts. She has been to the doctor about them but seems reluctant to go back to see what can be done about removing them they came shortly after we got married the doctor said they can stay dormant for a long period of time for me it’s a reminder of her past I’m not sure how to approach her about that with out making her feel unattractive any advise.

Perhaps couples therapy would be helpful.

The genital warts adds a whole other dimension to the situation. I think as a couple and with the help of a therapist, you both need to have frank conversations. She needs to know she is not being branded with a scarlet letter for her past mistakes and you need to find a way to accept those mistakes for what they are - poor decisions made by a trouble teenager.

bottom live. She needs to get her heath in check. You may need to put your foot down. They can get rid of them .. she needs to follow through

I Googled it, and genital warts might possibly be from the HPV virus, which means she will have them forever. You most likely already have it as well., from her. Maybe you haven't shown physical signs of it yet, but you are most likely a carrier as well. It does seem that you two's lack of sexual satisfaction lately is making you turn to her past for the answers... but the problem is with you and her, today, not with her and her past guys. And you said you two have been talking and trying to work out your sex life, but that doesn't seem to be working, and *talking* about sex is kind of a turn off, to be honest! You can get counseling online (Skype, or by phone, etc) if there is no one in your area. The problem seems to be coming from your end and not from hers at all. You need to work on yourself, build up your confidence and self esteem, and forget all about what she did or didn't do 15 or more years ago. Look at yourself and how you are acting. Your attitude lately is probably not a turn on to her... But you can fix that.

Hey! I know how you feel. The first couple years of our marriage, I couldnt help but think the same thoughts. The bad thing is, she thought the same about me. We both had to accept our past and move on. Have you considered couples counseling? It helped us! I will be praying for you guys. Also.. like calirn13 stated... The book 5 love languages is a very good book.

Hi daniele84 the past- is just that the past. Yes I believe counseling is the right
approach.Hoping all can be discussed and worked through.

Also- when you get married it means you putall behind- you have a new life and you view that other person in a pure beautiful light.Life is just beginning
and nothing can interfere with that unless you let wandering thoughts interfere.
Thoughts are just that-thoughts until you give it power.
When the thought arises just it come-grab it and trow it away discard it
Dont let yourself act upon it and it run away taking you along with it.

Marriage takes alot of work patience- and working on Oneself. Peace to you
and Positivity your way.

I'm not trying to scare you but statistically marriages where someone has had sex earlier ~14 and has had many partners the chances of a stable marriage are about 20%.

As the age of first time and amount of pre marital partners decreases the likelihood of stable marriage improves.

The real underlying correlation is likely lack of father figure or a stable childhood.

Consciously or subconsciously you recognize the poor vetting process for a suitable wife.

I made the same mistake as you and wound up with an unfaithful wife.

I would suggest you get her some personal counseling and some marriage counseling together to pre-emptively deal with some of this brewing issues before it turns into something worse.