Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

Can you get over infidelity?

CB1980
CB1980

Hi everyone, new to the group.


I've been with my wife for 17 years, married for 9 of them. We have three children together. We never argue or have any conflict, we've always been able to talk through any issues we've had - or so I thought. She's never really been an affectionate person, cringes at the idea of public displays of affection. And I've always accepted her for that. She's never really up for sex although I would do it all the time, and always tell her she's beautiful and I would love to be intimate in any way....



Anyway, in December 2022 I found out that she'd been having an affair which started in the February. She says it was mostly texting (sex stuff and photos being sent). But she said they had sex in the feb, and then met up again in the December and did oral.... I asked her why and she said she had been feeling lonely, and disconnected from me because she had been taking care of our family by herself. I admit my accountability here because I wasn't getting any affection or intamicy from her I had withdrawn a bit and was probably not pulling my weight as I should have been.


We've decided to try and work through it and make the marriage better by listening to each others needs more, and being more there for each other.


it's been roughly 3 months now and I still can't stop thinking about it, I go all cold and get the shakes when the thought of it starts resurfacing and I keep wondering if she's lied to me about how much stuff went on between them.


should I just accept that the affair happened and not speculate any more on the specifics of how often they met up etc - because it's driving me nuts. Every time I try to talk to her about it she gets really upset and sets us back in our healing process.


I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from this....

calirn13
calirn13
Yes you can recover from this. Depends how bad you both want it to work.
Gelrdev
Gelrdev
I think you have to work with prayer, discipline yourself to spirituality to quiet your mind then you can feel loved and give love to your wife. God loves you unconditional,he doesn't judge for your weakness, tell Him your issues honestly and look for people who support your marriage.
Yesterday a Guru told us to love unconditional our spouse even if we see them kissing a woman or man. Because God's love we detach, we don't get angry, vengeance we forgive, we don't act like the world.
Barr62
Barr62
I live that feeling day by day , its a roller coaster ride, but? I myself is withdrawn , because I only got 2 words , she says i live in the past , but I had to stand my ground and remind her your past not miine and your past is in the present , because you put no clarity into it 2 words do not fix it, however like someone said your both gotta work at it ... you both gotta show each other this is what you both want, no more 3rd parties ! , but ? working on the trust issue is even harder good luck
serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
Personally some can move past cheating and do. I myself have never been able to do it. takes a lot of work and it’s just hard to trust when it’s broken. She also doesn’t seem to be accepting her part from what you wrote here. While she may not what to relive why she did there needs to be some communication about it and how to move on effectively. Therapy possibly needs to be tried I say. I think it’s great you’re accepting and while I by no means think affection or sex make up a marriage. It seems that’s necessary to
Some degree. I can’t imagine being with someone that doesn’t want to have sex if I understood it right or have affection. This is coming from a person whom isn’t even that affectionate too. But if you are with someone I think you naturally want to provide some of that to your partner.
healingslowly
healingslowly
Just here to say I'm sorry this happened to you -you sound like such a caring, sweet man and did not deserve this to happen. Counseling is the best step at this point...you can't just sweep this under the rug. Please keep us posted on how things are going....
hasty_05
hasty_05
CB1980, I suspect you are not getting the entire story or the truth because it sounds like she doesn’t take ownership or responsibility for the affair. It is common for the lying to continue and for the guilty one to minimize. So your obsession about if she’s done more sexually with the guy seems like it fits the situation you are in. I’m saying if she took ownership that means allowing you to talk all you need to. To allow you to feel how you feel. To want to heal together and to be 100% remorseful. No getting overly emotional upset when you need to talk about your feelings. That behavior of hers only serves to shut down healing or dismiss your feelings. She’s trying to pretend this isn’t a big issue, make or break the marriage. It sounds like maybe she is shutting you down and continues to push you away emotionally or hold you an arms length from her emotions. Can this change? Yes If she’s willing to change and if you’re willing to change also. I’m not saying you are wrong or bad. I’m saying both parties have to change and become real partners, intimacy, best friends, true partners. Will she do couples therapy with you? If no, get yourself to a good therapist for yourself. If yes, you guys might be able to create a good marriage. We have to accept people for who they are and how they are. Tough and painful situation, and I’m sorry you are experiencing this.
hasty_05
hasty_05
Let me say something else. The person who had the affair has to be 100% accountable. The person who didn’t have the affair has to also decide to let bygones be bygones. Forgive. But it can’t be buried and not talked about. The healing has to start with accountability and truth. You have to tell her how you feel and what you need emotionally and sexually from her as a partner and she has to do the same. No more not being true partners. If you aren’t getting the truth from her, well that’s getting obfuscation or flat out lies. How does one make a good marriage without truth, trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and love? You can decide to be roommates to raise the kids if you don’t want to divorce at this time. You still have to acknowledge how you feel about her affair. And how she has pushed you away for years. If she won’t listen, then at least be honest with yourself.
Les-THAN-zero
Les-THAN-zero
Do you or can you really trust her now?
oregongal
oregongal
I think having a spouse that cheats and has an affair forever changes you. It did me. I opted to stay with my spouse. We had been high school sweethearts and each others one and only until the affair (that lasted five years with a gal at work) then came boo coo years of lying until the truth was totally out. The lying forever changed us. So all I can say is. For me...it lives in me to this day and I found out in 2011. He had been having the affair for five years at that point, which during those years I asked questions and even asked if he loved me at times....if he had a girlfriend (jokingly) and dreams....and what i call intuition ....and listen to your gut. I knew I should stay....we have three grandkids and a son (one daughter that passed during our time after the affair) and he is a great changed man now. But on the flip, I am forever changed and I always say not for the better....I believe I have PTSD from all the lying and crap that went down. BUT we are great friends and I love him dearly. Sex is null....but rest of life is great. Oh we can have sex and it be great (but the drive to want and love feeling I had) gone. I have told him he can go and find love again and he just says he loves me. Good Luck. I don't think you can ever totally trust that it won't happen again. Or that you are what you thought you were to your spouse ...like you did before the affair.
oregongal
oregongal
No you can not get over infedility ...well let me change that. IF you are the person who cheated and lied, yeah you get over it (at least that is what I have been told by my husband) If you are the person who was cheated on, no I do not believe you ever get over it. Pain might get less, or hell maybe it is just deeper and you can live with it.....I know for me small things bring it back up, subject matter, a movie about love that I am a skeptic now....I used to be a believer in fairy tale love stories....not so much anymore. I feel there are always unknown and lies in there somewhere...I call bullshit on perfect romance. So I say if you were cheated on NO you NEVER get over it. I found out in 2011, still with my spouse and I am not over it. I live with it, I am a different person, not anything the person I was....which makes me sad
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