Onyx, I still blame myself. He and his mother blamed me for putting the kids first and "too much time into them". I think we just do it bc of what they say to us, or how we tend to look at things.

I think all of us play a part in some way of the demise, but not to the extent they make it out to be. Some will blame you to make themselves feel better. I think our minds, because we are hurting so bad, just go to that place of self blame, if that makes any sense. Maybe we need to make sense of it all in the end. Maybe it's just easier to blame ourselves than it is to try to figure out what went wrong or to get into someone else's head looking for an answer you will NEVER receive.

I think it is only human nature to take a hard look at yourself after discovery and play the what ifs game inside your head. You never expect someone you love to do such betrayal so it is only natural to look back and ask what did I do wrong. When in reality it was nothing you did wrong or didn't do that caused the other to cheat. That was a choice they made in their mind. And honestly no matter the fault on the BS side, nothing justifies cheating.

That's easy. If we blame ourselves we can have some semblence of control in an out of control situation. It doesn't help that the majority of CS deflect blame to the BS but we are mostly willing enablers.

I am guilty. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to dday and just smack some sense into me. My gut instinct was to run away and tell him to shove his blameshifting up his sorry ass but I talked myself out of it. I thought if I improved myself and the marriage he would not cheat again. Now I realize that I had nothing to do with his choice to have an affair and I can't control what other people do.

That is just it neverceases....the affair is not due to ANY fault of the BS, it is a choice made by the cheater,so why do they want us to work on us and on the marriage, when clearly it is their fault that allowed them to choose incorrectly....does that mean I am perfect by no stretch, but clearly I have better coping skills, a better grasp on reality as to how relationships are suppose to work....I feel inadequit and dirty when we have sex now, I wonder is he seeing me or is he seeing her, same position differnt flavor, no pun intended....I am not to blame but he sees us as equals(says he doesn't all the time but his actions and word analygies prove other wise) truthfully he is still lost and in a fog, and until he "gets" it we don't stand a chance, everytime he puts us on equal ground I walk a little farther away, become a little more numb....what we had before was normal marriage stuff, that could have been fixed, it would have taken him to listen to what he was reading and hearing, to be a christian husband....once again his choice, and could I have been a more christian wife, sure, when we met I was better equiped for it, but through the breakdowns in what he believed and what I believed I got hurt and started putting protection walls up, so I would not get my heart broken again, oh well....so I blame myself for not trusting my gut, and taking the appropriate steps....and we blame ourselves because we all have weekness' we would like to do better with and hope that our chosen spouse will love us "....even if the healing doesn't come..."

We blame ourselves because it's the normal thing to do. My therapist
said it's what 100% of betrayed spouses do!

But what's so funny, as in ironic, is my husband told me his affair
had nothing to do with me! Interesting, eh?

He never really did blame me. I still don't know the whole story after a year now. And months in MC. All he did blame was my attitude. But my attitude came about because of his bad behavior.

I still think if I did this, or if I had done that - maybe he wouldn't have cheated. Who knows.

I would like to know how it is that they are so willing to put so much at risk - like throwing away a long-term marriage, hurting the kids,
parents, maybe even losing a job, lost of respect among friends, etc. The list goes on.

I still have issues with blaming myself, but I think it's because he always made everything my fault and emotionally abused me. It is strange how we feel guilty, think somehow we could've prevented the infidelity/affairs, but in reality it was the cheating spouse's decision to stray and usually there is no logical explanation. I'm done with the why's but now I need to get past the pain of the betrayal/wanting karma to get them back. Ugh...it's a long process and the pain comes in waves. I guess we all need to just keep moving forward.

I blamed myself at first onyx, but then I started reading and came here and I realized that a lot of the same horsehockey that my wife was laying on me was mentioned either here or in my reading. I don't blame myself anymore at all. As a matter of a fact if anything I do as a result of this gets a label of "my problems" by my CS, I immediately correct her and say "this is not MY problem, it's YOURS".

Part of blaming ourselves is because if its something we've done, then we feel we have the power to change it. Fix it, make it all better. It's a big ole shock to realize we don't have that power! I don't know about you guys but I hate feeling no control over how my relationship goes!

I never blamed myself. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I never blamed myself.

I was extremely defensive about it when he attempted to tell me it was my fault. He never attempted to blame me.

I've never taken blame for the affair but take full blame for my part in the troubles within the marriage. Prior to the affair. There are behaviors I could have changed and maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to supplement me.

I believe he had to cheat in order to really truly understand what I meant to him. Crazy thought I know but that's just how I see it. Like it was predestined that he make those horrible selfish choices to become the man he is today.

Oops. In my first line I say he never attempted to blame me. That should say "he never attempted to blame me again"

I blamed myself.I still do sometimes.He has said that if we were having sex,then he would never have done it.Wow

After the first time I upped the intensity if what was already a good sex life, hoping that would be the answer. Tried harder to be a porn star in bed. Ha ha. Guess that wasn't the issue after all! Our sex life was amazing and he still kept cheating.

If you don't blame yourself anymore, and you are in a new relationship, what is the purpose of the question?

i like to start conversations - i think it may help others to know where i started (as well as potentially them) and where they my head up -

Blaming yourself seems natural - i do reflect on the situation because I'm not shallow. lessons learned.

I will pretty much always start these conversations because i will be doing someting around the house - cleaning out my car etc and a thought will pop in my head - why did I blame myself? is that normal - that kind of thought.